More To "I'm Down & Could Use Some Help"

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2004
More To "I'm Down & Could Use Some Help"
23
Sun, 06-25-2006 - 7:46pm
I started a post last week regarding the relationship between my mother and my husband as well as my feelings on my marriage. I needed to add this and see what everyone thought.
Tomorrow my niece is graduating college and there is a family dinner at a restaurant in the evening. My husband informed me that he will not be coming along, that is not a phony and doesn't want to come. He said "everyone" doesn't like him so why should he put himself through that. I said "don't include my sisters in how my mother feels" and his answer was "oh come on, it's obvious they don't like me". Now yesterday I went to a birthday party on his side and it was actually in the car on the way there that he told me he was not coming. Now at this late moment I have to give my sister some excuse as to why he is not coming. I feel that he should come for me, out of respect that I am his wife, but he does not feel that way. I am so angry at myself for going to his family party yesterday, when we were the "only" family members to show up. The rest were neighbors because the rest of the family "was either busy or working or too tired from the night before". When I tell him this he says no one in my family treats you bad. Bad, no. They don't treat you at all. You never hear from them, most of them don't show up at our children's parties either. Birthdays and Christmas come and goes without a call or a card. SO my questin is, do you think he should come or do you think he is justied in not coming?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005

Hi tessybell and welcome back.


Your husband certainly has the right to choose to not attend a function where he feels nobody likes him.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004

I agree with Kimbirdy on all counts.

Your husband is quite justified in avoiding a party where he doesn't feel welcome. But I'm wondering how unwelcoming your family is. Are his fears justified or do your sisters like him a lot? If your mother was to get on his case about being lazy, would your sisters agree with your mother or tell her to behave?

I had a similar situation with some friends of my husband. I did not like them but DH kept insisting that I should see them because I'm his partner and I should be there. I expressed that they drove me nuts and I would prefer to go out somewhere else when they visited us, but he didn't accept it. In the end, I ended up getting REALLY annoyed with their behaviour and gave them a total mouthful which has ended the friendship for everyone. You see, if my DH had listened to me and not made me participate in compulsory fun, none of this would have happened.

I also think it's unfair to compare parties and be resentful about attending his family party. Just because his family aren't in each other's pockets doesn't make them wrong. Just different from your family. And if this suits them, it's OK. If they make you feel welcome and loved when you DO see them, I don't see a problem.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2004
My sisters do not mistreat him and my mother would never start anything
at a family party. Usually the family parties go off without a hitch.
Everyone if polite and social. He just wants to make his stand. I just
feel this is a bit of a double standard because when his family never
shows up for our kids and then I would say "why should be attend their
children's party, they don't come to ours", his answer would be "we should
not take it out on the kids, it's not their fault". I feel this is the
same in this case. My niece has not done anything to him and he is refusing
to go.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2004
I need to add another thing. Whenever we need something or help with something
my family will be the first he wants to call. If we need to borrow something
he'll say "have them bring it over" or if we need help with something he
will say call one of your nephews. Like last night for instance, the batter died on our car. He said call your nephews. My nephew came at 11:15 PM to give us a jump.
My family does do a lot for us and attends every party and function we have, never
an excuse.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003

Okay, then stop arguing that he should go because you went to his family's party. Instead, tell him how this party is about your niece and you shouldn't take things out on her.

And IN THE FUTURE, when the battery is dead or what-not and he wants to call your family, tell him that you do not feel comfortable asking your family to help him (do this when it's a him request only). Since he feels they don't like him and he doesn't want to be around them, you just do NOT feel comfortable asking for things for him.

And let him choose, and you start choosing about his family functions. Don't want to go because YOU don't want to go, then don't. Not to pay back, not to make a point, just cuz you don't want to go.

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2006

You seem to keep justifying.

YES he should go even if he is uncomfortable, YES it is not fair you have to go to his and he doesn't want to go to yours, YES your family does more to help you, YES he should not feel uncomfortable if everyone is polite.

OK now we got that out of the way, what is fixed? If this is too much you always have the option of being RIGHT and DIVORCED. Then you and your mom and sisters can all sit around at these functions and just shake your head at how unsocial and lazy he is, and what a terrible family he comes from, and you can keep saying to yourself, I can't believe I married him.

Assuming this is not your desire, couple of ideas to make this better.

Choose your battles on the family functions. I would try to get him at the really big stuff, but give him a pass on other stuff. When it is really important to you that he be there, tell him that....as long as you only do this occasionally he will likely "do it for your sake." Chances are if he is feeling uncomfortable he is not a lot of fun to have around anyways, so why torture him and everyone else and make him attend everything. If your mother and sisters comment about how he is not there, ignore them....he comes from a different family background and has a different approach to these things. You are far better to accept him and try to create a compromise than train him. He may not be pefect but you love him anyways.

Let him take the lead on his family stuff, just be supportive. If you attend have a good time, go with the flow, do not try to control it, and most importantly try to avoid putting your family expectations on his family, and feeling responsible for trying to get his family to act more like your family. You are just setting yourself up for disappointment if you do this.

This is a marriage, not a competition. You win nothing by having a higher score for your family. You can enjoy your loving family and your husband, just do not send a message to your husband that your family is more important than his feelings ---- this can lead to disasterous consequences over tim IMO.

Good luck, P.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003

For those who aren't familiar, Tessybell's previous post can be found here:


I'm Down & Could Use Some Input








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003

I think it's his right to decide for himself (and yes, it's a lousy thing for him to do). But again, it's his decision and you do not control him. What I wouldn't do though, is make excuses for him. He has the right to decide not to go, but that doesn't mean you should lie for him. If he wants to choose not to go, he can be responsible for your family knowing why he didn't go. When they ask, you should either tell them that he doesn't feel anyone likes him. If you're not comfortable doing that, simply tell your family that they'll have to ask him why he didn't go and let him be the one to address the issue. Here again, it's not your issue, it's his. He needs to deal with his own issues, his own choices and the consequences of them, it's not your place to do that.


As far as going to his family's function, I can understand that you're angry that you went out of respect and support of him and feel he's not returning the "favor", but really, they're not connected. You made your choice to go, he made his not to go. He didn't control your choice and you don't control his.


A few books I'd suggest:"The Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships", by Harriet Lerner. and "Codependant No More" by Melodie Beatty . I'd also suggest counseling. If he won't see a couples counselor with you, I suggest you see one on your own to learn to deal with these issues more effectively and in a way that will improve your situation.








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2004
Ok, so here's how it went. During the day we e-mailed each other and I asked what he
was going to do. He said he had a few things to take care of after work and dind't know
if he would make it. I asked him several times what time he had to meet someone about
a job and he would never answer me. I just dropped it, I am not into begging. Anyway, I left for the party which was to start at 7PM. He calls me at 7PM and says he is leaving work now, should he even bother to come. My answer was "not everyone is here yet and they haven't even taken orders yet". He said "ok, when i get there i get there". Well when we were having appetizers my mother and my sister both say "you should put some aside for your husband when he gets here", which I was not going to do, but then I did. he came about an hour later, no big deal. It was a wonderful evening with no problems (which is usually how these things end up), but he always has to make things more than they are, he is a "drama king". So this one went off quite well, untl the next time.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003

It sounds like he drug his feet plenty, but managed to appear. I'm glad he did, it was the right thing to do. I wonder though, since he threatened (basically) but didn't go through with his no-show, is this typical of him, to threaten not to attend then come after all? Let me know, okay?


I would really urge you to take a new stand with him; tell him he's free to choose whatever he wants to do (he is, you can't *make*) him do anything), but tell him you won't make excuses for him, tell him he'll have to explain why he wasn't there himself. Having to take responsibility for his own actions will absolutely make deciding to do things like not to show up for family events more difficult, as it stands now it's easy because he has you to take the heat for him. He can choose to not show up and know you'll make up something to get him off the hook. No way! He makes the choice, he explains the reason, period. He'll hate it, and it'll probably cause him to be upset with you, but taking the responsibility himself is the right way to handle it. Why should you do the dirty work for him? You shouldn't! If he has to be the one to face his own decisions, he'll think more about what decision he makes. The trick is to refuse to do his dirty work for him with a smile and a good attitude. "If you don't want to go that's your choice, but you'll have to explain to my family why you weren't there, I'm not going to do that for you, it's your responsibility." Just like you'd expect your kids to take responsibility for their own actions and decisions, he should do the same. It's not mean or a "get you" tactic, it's putting the responsibility where it belongs. Both those books I suggested to you will tell you the same thing, and both books are highly recommended by therapists everywhere.







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"

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