More To "I'm Down & Could Use Some Help"
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More To "I'm Down & Could Use Some Help"
| Sun, 06-25-2006 - 7:46pm |
I started a post last week regarding the relationship between my mother and my husband as well as my feelings on my marriage. I needed to add this and see what everyone thought.
Tomorrow my niece is graduating college and there is a family dinner at a restaurant in the evening. My husband informed me that he will not be coming along, that is not a phony and doesn't want to come. He said "everyone" doesn't like him so why should he put himself through that. I said "don't include my sisters in how my mother feels" and his answer was "oh come on, it's obvious they don't like me". Now yesterday I went to a birthday party on his side and it was actually in the car on the way there that he told me he was not coming. Now at this late moment I have to give my sister some excuse as to why he is not coming. I feel that he should come for me, out of respect that I am his wife, but he does not feel that way. I am so angry at myself for going to his family party yesterday, when we were the "only" family members to show up. The rest were neighbors because the rest of the family "was either busy or working or too tired from the night before". When I tell him this he says no one in my family treats you bad. Bad, no. They don't treat you at all. You never hear from them, most of them don't show up at our children's parties either. Birthdays and Christmas come and goes without a call or a card. SO my questin is, do you think he should come or do you think he is justied in not coming?
Tomorrow my niece is graduating college and there is a family dinner at a restaurant in the evening. My husband informed me that he will not be coming along, that is not a phony and doesn't want to come. He said "everyone" doesn't like him so why should he put himself through that. I said "don't include my sisters in how my mother feels" and his answer was "oh come on, it's obvious they don't like me". Now yesterday I went to a birthday party on his side and it was actually in the car on the way there that he told me he was not coming. Now at this late moment I have to give my sister some excuse as to why he is not coming. I feel that he should come for me, out of respect that I am his wife, but he does not feel that way. I am so angry at myself for going to his family party yesterday, when we were the "only" family members to show up. The rest were neighbors because the rest of the family "was either busy or working or too tired from the night before". When I tell him this he says no one in my family treats you bad. Bad, no. They don't treat you at all. You never hear from them, most of them don't show up at our children's parties either. Birthdays and Christmas come and goes without a call or a card. SO my questin is, do you think he should come or do you think he is justied in not coming?

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>>"If you don't want to go that's your choice, but you'll have to explain to my family why you weren't there, I'm not going to do that for you, it's your responsibility."<<
If he is honest to her family, won't it just make matters worse? Won't it give them even more reasons to dislike him? And with mom living upstairs it will just make life hell for all concerned. And then there will never be a hope of having everyone tolerating each other.
Thinking back to my post earlier in this thread, if my DH had given me the "you'll have to explain" ultimatum with his friends that I disliked, I don't think me saying "I'm not going to be home when you visit because I don't like you" would have achieved anything positive.
Nor did anything positive come out of me seeing them just to keep DH happy. Because as it turned out, they annoyed me so much that I told them what I thought anyway.
I'm more inclined to believe that if DH had made some white lies on my behalf on the occaisions when I really couldn't deal with seeing them, he would still have that group of friends. If I only had to see them on rare occaisions, I could probably have tolerated them without offending all concerned.
I know this is family and not friends, but this is one occaision where I don't believe that being honest is the best way to find tolerance.
I don't think so. To me, this woman has demonstrated that she's right in the middle. Mom's bad mouthing him and he's refusing to do things for her. The OP is begging with DH, begging with Mom and stuck feeling responsible for making up excuses to make Mom happy and not make DH look like a jerk. She's enabling both of them to avoid dealing with their own relationship and she has no place in it in the first place. What I really think is that the reason Mom can complain so much is because she doesn't have to face DH, she faces her daughter. DH refuses for the same reason, he's not facing Mom, he's facing his wife. Take her out of it and have Mom and DH face themselves and I'll bet you Mom won't badmouth and DH won't refuse. It's so easy to be bitchy when you don't have to actually face the person you're unhappy with. They both need to take responsibility for their relationship and quit putting the daughter/wife in the middle. Since they're not going to do that (why would they, it's easier that way) she's got to remove herself, and she needs to stop enabling anyway.
I'm betting if DH had to deal with his own relationships with her family and had to be responsible for his own actions and choices he wouldn't have refused to go to dinner in the first place, and if he had chosen not to go and was responsible for making his own excuses, I'm betting he wouldn't have said "I'm not coming because you guys don't like me." He'd have made some somewhat plausible excuse (lie) but it would be his to tell and his to make up, not hers.
What's happening here is she's running around trying to make everybody act like they should and driving herself crazy in the process. She needs to step out, stop trying to handle everybody's relationships and let them take care of their own relationships. What you've got her (IMO) is the result of years of enabling and caretaking. No way would he have even considered refusing to go if he'd been responsible for his own actions all along. He makes the decisions because he knows he doesn't have to deal with them. I know you insist your kids handle their own issues and don't get involved; this is no different than that. And if you jumped in and 'saved' your kids, you'd be doing it more and they'd be doing it less, and you'd have a lot more problems, issues and fights going on that you'd have to be handling. As long as she keeps handling it, there's going to be more to handle.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Edited 7/1/2006 11:38 am ET by tessybell831
Do you have to live with your mother? Do you pay rent or do you agree to do repairs for her in lieu of rent? If you're paying rent, she has no right to expect you to do her repairs. If that's the situation I'd just tell her, "We're pretty busy and I have no idea when we'd be able to get to the blinds. If you want them up I'd suggest you hire someone to do it." If she complains you can remind her that you've already made her aware of the situation, and that's all there is to it. I'd refuse to listen to her complaints, whether I had to cut her off to tell her exactly that or leave.
If your living arrangement is such that you're doing repairs and chores for her rather than pay rent, I'd say it's your obligation to get them taken care of asap, her requests have to take priority due to the agreement. I'd also say you'd be wise (and a lot saner) to get out of her house and live on your own.
As far as your sisters and their "you know how she is", yes, you do, but that doesn't mean you have to be a slave to her behavior or her demands. Bowing and scrambling to bad behavior isn't acceptable or appropriate; if feeds the monster and makes you feel worse about yourself in the process.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
It sounds like he has a chip on his shoulder where your family is concerned and is looking for someone to knock it off; in what you describe he's certainly going out of his way to cause friction and bad feelings (or keep bad feelings alive) towards him.
Tell us some good things about your husband.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
I do think he has a chip on his shoulder and I do believe he thinks he is
better than everyone because most of the guys in my family having
civil service jobs and he makes comments on that periodically. He is
a college graduate and works for a prestigious firm (in a creative field
with not much pay). He'll say things like "who are they to talk, they're
just a .............. (whatever position applies)". That does annoy me
because even though they only have civil service jobs they are supporting
their family and enjoy what they do. Believe me, my family is not perfect
by any means, but I would never put down his family like that and each
one of his family members has their own problems, from suicide to teenage
pregnancy. He has some good qualities. He is very taleneted in his job
and the creative stuff he produces on his own as well. He loves his children
very much, even though I pretty much do all the raising and disciplining.
He's smart and funny. But at the same time childish and mean.
Now, there is more to this story. My mother needed some work done on the house, a few things, nothing major. We called a guy in for an estimate. It happened to be
someone my sister knows so I called her to ask how his work is. Her first question
was "who is paying for this". When I told her mommy is, but that i am paying
for the work done in my daughter's room, her response was "why can't your
husband do it. why does mommy have to spend all this money? she just
bought you a new door". My response was "he cannot do what needs to be done in
the yard. it's a hard job". Later on last night I got an e-mail from her stating
that her and my other sister want to come over and talk to my husband and me
about the way he treats my mother. I told her "no way". You can talk to me.
She was like "by you not wanting your husband there I can see that there is a
problem". I told her he does not disrespect or mistreat her in any way. He just
does not deal with her. She was like "well, he does mistreat her, he does
not do any of the work around the house and you guys are paying little rent and she has to pay for everything". I also told her that he knows no one in the family likes him and tries to be around my mother as little as possible. They just feel that since we live
here he has to by the "super" and do everything that needs to be done. My brother who lives 2 minutes away never comes over to do anything for my mother, but they expect
my husband to do it. Then my sister said "no, we want him there" and I said no way, you can talk to me first. I am meeting them tonight and am going to tell them that if they insist on confronting my husband that will be the end of my marriage, period. I can't get him to be a different way, what makes them think they can do it? How should I handle meeting them tonight? Any advice???
It's easy, DO NOT GO TO THE MEETING! Your mom is an adult and SHE can talk to the two of you about her house and what she wants. There is NO REASON WHATSOEVER for your sisters to butt their noses in this business. You are making your marriage and your issues open fodder for your family and it's destroying it.
I noticed in your list of "good things about your H" you countered them ALL. You couldn't say something good about him without negating it. If that is a normal thing then I can see where he's gone all passive/aggressive...
And just cuz I'm curious, why are you all still calling your mother mommy?
Again, DO NOT MEET WITH YOUR SISTERS. THIS IS NOT THEIR PLACE. And telling them that their confronting your H will end your marriage isn't right either. Stick to the real issue. IT'S NOT THEIR PLACE. If your marriage ends because they confront him and this is the cause of your marriage ending then it will end the next time you don't pick up a sock off the floor.
But what you pay in rent, what your arrangement is with your mom, what work you guys do and don't do, is ONLY between you and your mother. And you all need to STOP involving the WHOLE FREAKING FAMILY in every aspect of your life.
Jen
It sounds like your sisters don't want to talk to your husband about the way he treats your mother, rather, they want to talk to him about doing jobs around the home.
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
mother directly about this issue, which I did. I explained to her that I was
getting the third degree from my sister about who was paying, etc. I told her
that they wanted to meet with me to discuss my husband. I told my mother that I
know my husband is not the easiest person to get along with, but he is my
husband and I have to deal with that, not them. I also told her that what I
pay in rent and what my mother pays for and anything else that happens in his house is no concern of theirs and if the shoe were on the other foot, I would never ask such questions. i also told her that I felt there were 2 sets of rules, my family's and everyone elses. I mind my business, don't get involved, but everyone else seems
to have no problem with getting involved in mine. I told her that I would have my
husband do some of the other stuff that needs to be done, and mind you, he has done
some of the stuff, but not everything and that's okay. There is only so much time
to do these things anyway. Sometimes I do the things that need to be done and then
my mother will see my husband lougning around and that annoys yer, but I told her
that I am quite capable of doing things that need to be done, I am not dependent
on anyone when it comes to doing things. She also said to me that when my uncle
said to my husband "why aren't you carrying anything", she said that my husband
responded "I'm glad everyone is absorbing that". I did not hear that comment and I do know he was being spiteful by doing that. I told my mother the problem is that I am
trying to make everyone happy and that's not working. Thanks to everyone.
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