Mothers!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2005
Mothers!
13
Fri, 03-31-2006 - 7:05pm

Hi everyone,
Yes I'm back HOWEVER I am here for another reason than my relationship so I figured it was safe to seek out the advice of you lovely ladies...!

By the way (if anyone cares to know) things are actually going very well, except for the occasional fight which is usually quickly resolved. We are sort of melding AND (good news) we have both agreed to start going to couples counseling soon to take care of some of our issues that haven't been completely resolved yet. But we are communicating so much better lately...for those of you who are new I've been on here very often dealing with issues regarding my fiance.

Anyway, here's the situation I am asking all of you about - his mother. Background: He grew up with his mom pretty much alone(had an abusive stepfather for a short period of time). He had a brother when he was about 12, so most ofhis adolescent life he was an only child and his mother was single. His mother got remarried when he was a young teenager (16/17) and this guy wasn't much of a catch either, and their still married. He isn't a bad guy but he spends most of his time with his friends, or drinking or just staying home and he and his wife (my fiance's mother) don't do much of anything together. Because of this (and I'm sure it's also because he grew up as her baby for a long time and the only male in the house) she leans heavily on my fiance for many many things. They talk constantly, even sometimes when we're out they'll be on the phone together, one time she called twice while we were out together. In fact most days/times that we're together they are talking and she's usually calling him. Tonight they even went out to look at a new car because her husband won't go with her, he wants to stay home and drink. I was irritated because we don't get much time together, I worked late then have to work early again tomorrow so we'll hardly see each other. She babies the crap out of him too and spoils him, which sometimes gets on my nerves because I think he's too old to be treated like that.
Now, I have no problem with them being close but sometimes it really gets under my skin and I feel like she leans on him so much because she can't lean on her husband and wants to spend so much time with him or talking to him because she doesn't have her own husband to do that with.
We're still living separately and are planning on getting married eventually so I don't know if this will get worse or better when we finally do move in together. Sometimes I feel like I have to compete with her for his time and attention! She even made the comment one time about "not wanting me to be taking his time away from her". Now I'm not anti-social, I love being social but we get such little time as it is and I see this as being a potential problem for us.
Does anyone have any ideas or am I just being spoiled?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
In reply to: quirky_girl
Fri, 03-31-2006 - 9:22pm

Two quick questions for you:

1. have you told your fiance how you feel about this problem?

2. If so, what was his reaction?

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
In reply to: quirky_girl
Sat, 04-01-2006 - 6:49am

Hi, Quirky! Glad to hear that some things are going better for you. As to your current issue, that's not going to get any better. For one thing, his mom is getting older. As time passes, she will be less and less able to do things for herself, and will need his help more often. Also, sooner or later her hard-drinkin hubby is going to die, and she will be left completely alone--except for her loving son. Even if she maintains her own residence, he will still need to be over there frequently, making sure everything is all right.

The spoiling will never stop, because she enjoys doing it and he loves being the recipient. I can't imagine anyone who would say, "No, please don't spoil me any more." Her husband is sharing with Jack Daniels and his other cronies the love and nurturing he would normally share with his wife, so your boyfriend has become his mother's only love object. There is no way she will agree to give that up, and he obviously doesn't see the need.

This is another "Can you accept it?" situation, because it is impossible to change other people who don't feel that they are doing anything wrong.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2005
In reply to: quirky_girl
Sat, 04-01-2006 - 12:23pm

Thanks for your response geoteo. Yes things are going very well for us, thank goodness. We've really come a long way and I'm surprised at how much he's been opening up to me and just expressing how much he does love me...it seems that the constructive criticisms we've both given to one another, that we would take personally and become irate over at first are finally sinking in a little which in turn helps us communicate better and understand each other better. So we're moving along at a very nice pace these days. Seems we had a lot of kinks to work out...!

And to answer Aisha, no I haven't said anything about the entire subject but I have made comments before when they've been on the phone for long periods and I'm sitting there waiting for him...
I suppose the reason I haven't said anything is because I know he and his mother are very close. It was only them pretty much for twelve years and everyone else was just added to their little duo. He has said that his mom is his best friend (well besides me) which I'm really ok with. And to be totally honest, I feel bad for the woman having to deal with a husband who is pretty much gone all weekend, physically or mentally. In fact, I don't even have a problem with my fiance and I doing things with her every now and then like going to her house, or taking her out for lunch or going on little trips to different places for the day or something because I feel bad for her too having a husband like that!
However, I feel like I've been sort of shut out of their relationship and if they go out, I'm usually never invited. Even when she and her husband invite him to go out to dinner, I have never been invited. Granted it may be because they don't know me very well yet, but I haven't been shy or introverted with them and I've tried to get along with his mom. I just don't want to be shut out or be made to feel excluded from their relationship or feel like an outsider especially if I'm someone that is going to become his wife, which they know.
I guess maybe I have to give it time to see how it goes. So far I haven't been severely irritated by their relationship and I have told him MANY times that he's very much a mama's boy (he doesn't like to be considered a mama's boy but he knows he is!) He doesn't always act spoiled though I think her behavior has somewhat affected how he acts (self-centered at times), BUT for now I can live with it, except I still am bothered by the constant, constant phone calls every day, sometimes it seems morning, noon and night and when we're together it really gets on my nerves esp when they're sitting there talking for close to an hour sometimes. I mean, shouldn't she have other ladies to gab with instead of gabbing to her grown male son?
I know mothers are protective of their sons and even in my last marriage I felt a tension with the mother in law. I can remember an x boyfriend whose mother I was so close to that even after we broke up I called her (I broke up with him), but in these relationships, I feel like I'm under a microscope or something sometimes or at least held at a distance to determine whether I'm worthy enough to make and keep their son happy...anyone else ever feel like that? Why does it sometimes feel like a competition?

As far as my fiance, I don't know if I'd want to say something because I know he loves his mom very much and I don't mind them being close and I would never want to hurt her feelings or think I'm keeping him from her, I just want our privacy sometimes and for our lives (when they finally do merge) to not be interrupted all day long, every day...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
In reply to: quirky_girl
Sun, 04-02-2006 - 7:59am

An hour or so before the two of you go out, maybe you could say, "Why don't you call your mom and see how she is? Then, when we're out together, you can turn the phone off and we can just concentrate on each other."

If she's calling constantly, the two of you are going to have to block out some uninterrupted personal time in order to preserve your intimacy and your sanity.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
In reply to: quirky_girl
Sun, 04-02-2006 - 5:12pm

>>An hour or so before the two of you go out, maybe you could say, "Why don't you call your mom and see how she is? Then, when we're out together, you can turn the phone off and we can just concentrate on each other." <<

An excellent compromise

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: quirky_girl
Sun, 04-02-2006 - 8:44pm

For those who are unfamiliar withQuirky_girl, her previous posts can be found here:

Healing from Porn?
His move or mine?
Don't know if we're gonna make it....
Breakthrough...
Not getting much better...
Standing my ground!
Who is right/Who is wrong?
Bad combination of couch material
Might be the end
Someone tell me
My turn to be on the fence








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: quirky_girl
Sun, 04-02-2006 - 9:14pm

I completely agree with Geo. Neither your boyfriend or his mother are going to change, they are who they are and they're doing what they choose to do. You can argue, complain, protest and it won't make a difference, mamma's boys don't change, ask anyone who's married to one. An elderly acquaintance told me that her husband was a mamma's boy, he continued to be one until the day his mother died. I think it feels like a competition because of the kind of relationship she has with him, it's not a "normal, healthy" relationship. She probably does feel like you're competing for her son's attention, and I'm certain you feel the same -- because you both are. You're voicing frustration here that his time with her, calls to her, etc. are an interruption. From her point of view, she's probably just as frustrated that when she calls he's with you, or not always available for immediate "service". I'm not saying she right, I'm saying that's how she feels and that's the situation you have to accept you're dealing with. The question is, can you deal with it, or more to the point, are you willing to?


You mentioned being frustrated sitting around waiting while he's on the phone with her forever...this should be your cue to get up and do something. Don't complain or give any facial expression or body language that you're ticked off. Just go do your own thing; writing him a note saying "going out for a bit, be back later" handing it to him, waving with a smile, then heading out the door is just fine (or heading out to do whatever you two were going to do before the call took place). It lets him know you're not going to put your life on hold while he has long convo's with mom (or anyone else for that matter, it's rude!) and it also allows you to not feel "stuck" or inconvenienced by being put in #2 position while he ignores the fact the two of you had plans and he's inconveniencing you. Sitting and waiting is not okay.


Geo's suggestion is a good one, hopefully it will work, but don't be surprised if it doesn't. He may not be comfortable turning the phone off "just in case", and if/when she gets wind that the phone's being turned off she may very well protest and if she does, you can bet it won't go off. It might even up her "need" as she may feel you're trying to cut her out. Hopefully not, but it's possible. You mentioned that it might not be as included in this relationship with her because you've not been in the picture long enough. You've been together for a year, I assume you've known her for nearly that long, yes? I don't think it has to do with her knowing you, I think it has to do with this being his and her relationship, the "mamma's boy" factor. She (maybe "they") don't want you included, it's their relationship, that's how "mamma's boy" relationships typically go. I don't think you're being "spoiled" and I don't think you're at all wrong to dislike the situation, I don't know anyone who would (or should) like it. But, it is what it is and the bottom line is this is another one of those issues you have to decide whether you can accept or not.







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2005
In reply to: quirky_girl
Fri, 04-07-2006 - 7:15pm
Most excellent post! I agree with everything you've said. My on/off guy that I kicked out a few months ago is a mama's boy and only after I left the picture did he ever start setting boundaries with his mom - he's 40 now. During most parts of our time living together I felt like I was the mistress and not the girlfriend. I'm only seeing him on occasion now, don't want him to get too cozy again, he has a lot of work to do and I have a lot of healing to do. He's in detox & counselling now to work on his stuff. I'm using my time to for counselling and to work towards some of my life goals.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: quirky_girl
Fri, 04-07-2006 - 9:10pm

It sounds like you're handling this wisely, Anewpage. Seeing him occasionally, knowing he has a lot of work to do before a relationship can be considered, and knowing you have healing to do yourself first as well. You're making some great decisions that will ensure you succeed whether the relationship does or not.


Very wise and positive moves, Anewpage!







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2005
In reply to: quirky_girl
Fri, 04-07-2006 - 9:34pm
Thanks. It's hard but I know if I stick it out and follow the path I've laid for myself things will be alright for me. I have no idea if he'll stick to his recovery this time but I'm not repeating my mistake of believing just words, forgiving and going through the cycle again. I'm burned out and realized that being alone isn't such a bad thing after all. It was super hard the first few weeks but after that with my counselling and outside activities I began feeling better and regaining some of the self esteem I lost during the relationship. I actually really value my time alone now :) I also realize that I was the one who allowed the cycle to repeat, it took a few tries to get the guts to finally tell him to leave. More work to be done as time goes by but every step is worth it, better to struggle awhile and come out stronger then live in a hellish existence and be meek and weak.

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