Mothers!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2005
Mothers!
13
Fri, 03-31-2006 - 7:05pm

Hi everyone,
Yes I'm back HOWEVER I am here for another reason than my relationship so I figured it was safe to seek out the advice of you lovely ladies...!

By the way (if anyone cares to know) things are actually going very well, except for the occasional fight which is usually quickly resolved. We are sort of melding AND (good news) we have both agreed to start going to couples counseling soon to take care of some of our issues that haven't been completely resolved yet. But we are communicating so much better lately...for those of you who are new I've been on here very often dealing with issues regarding my fiance.

Anyway, here's the situation I am asking all of you about - his mother. Background: He grew up with his mom pretty much alone(had an abusive stepfather for a short period of time). He had a brother when he was about 12, so most ofhis adolescent life he was an only child and his mother was single. His mother got remarried when he was a young teenager (16/17) and this guy wasn't much of a catch either, and their still married. He isn't a bad guy but he spends most of his time with his friends, or drinking or just staying home and he and his wife (my fiance's mother) don't do much of anything together. Because of this (and I'm sure it's also because he grew up as her baby for a long time and the only male in the house) she leans heavily on my fiance for many many things. They talk constantly, even sometimes when we're out they'll be on the phone together, one time she called twice while we were out together. In fact most days/times that we're together they are talking and she's usually calling him. Tonight they even went out to look at a new car because her husband won't go with her, he wants to stay home and drink. I was irritated because we don't get much time together, I worked late then have to work early again tomorrow so we'll hardly see each other. She babies the crap out of him too and spoils him, which sometimes gets on my nerves because I think he's too old to be treated like that.
Now, I have no problem with them being close but sometimes it really gets under my skin and I feel like she leans on him so much because she can't lean on her husband and wants to spend so much time with him or talking to him because she doesn't have her own husband to do that with.
We're still living separately and are planning on getting married eventually so I don't know if this will get worse or better when we finally do move in together. Sometimes I feel like I have to compete with her for his time and attention! She even made the comment one time about "not wanting me to be taking his time away from her". Now I'm not anti-social, I love being social but we get such little time as it is and I see this as being a potential problem for us.
Does anyone have any ideas or am I just being spoiled?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: quirky_girl
Fri, 04-07-2006 - 10:29pm

The thing is, you can't control whether he sticks to his recovery path or not, that's up to him. You can't know if he'll be successful or not. By creating distance and taking care of yourself you're doing what you can and should be doing for you. I know it's hard and scary, but it will get easier. It's already getting easier, you're already seeing positive results; and they will continue as you learn, grow and evolve.


Stay strong and know you're doing the very best thing you can do for yourself.







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2005
In reply to: quirky_girl
Mon, 04-10-2006 - 4:55pm
What's kind of weirding me out is that I'm not that interested in his recovery path this time around. I thought I'd be manic about it, I used to want to know all the time how it was going. I used to have to constantly fight off urges to call to find out. Maybe I'm just spent, no energy left to monitor? I don't know why but I'm glad I don't have to fight my brain as much as I used to.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: quirky_girl
Mon, 04-10-2006 - 11:37pm

Nah, I think it's more because of the counseling you're doing. It's helping you handle this in the proper way, it's helping you let go of that controlling place that had you needing to know where he was in his progress, what he was doing. It's moving you in the right direction, putting your focus in the right place -- yourself. I think it's the natural progression due to the positive role therapy is playing in your life.


Congratulations!







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"

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