To move or not to move ?

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
To move or not to move ?
10
Sat, 07-28-2012 - 10:59am

Hello,I wondered if any one would feel as i do ? i have my own property and my B/f has his too, He wants me ,child, & and dog to move into his as we are looking long term - thing is folks ..im not keen on this dark house and apart from this he has had three ex's living there in past so you can see my predicament as i dont feel its a "our's"He wont move in my property as he says too small (two bed semi)Although it would be fine temporary.,I suggest we look for something we can start off as our's ..is it just me or would you girls move in knowing he has had thee girlfriens there before ?? Fellow girlfriends of mine say "No way" -so it seems the only soloution to both move -but he says he cant see prob as why i wont move into his !!! Thank's for reading x

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Sat, 07-28-2012 - 11:50am

How far apart do you currently live?  What was the reason that he gave for not looking for an entirely new place to start off as "yours"? 

I am not sure if you should move in with him, less so that his place is dark and previous GFs lived there, but that he does not seem to understand your (rather legitimate) concerns.  This could be the tip of an iceberg of other communication problems. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2002
Sat, 07-28-2012 - 11:57am

Is he noncompromising in other parts of the relationship?

The red flag for me is the 3 exs he lived with previously, how long did those relationships last?  How long did they live together, before the relationship would start to deteriorate? ETC.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Sat, 07-28-2012 - 1:45pm

Since he has had three exes move out of HIS house, I wonder if somewhere in the back of his mind he may be thinking, "And when Elli moves out, I'll still have MY house."  If you do choose to go live with him (which may be a bit hard on child; probably won't bother dog a bit), you will be the one scrambling for housing when the relationship ends.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sat, 07-28-2012 - 2:24pm

I agree with geoteo.  It seems like to him, living together is not a very big deal if he has had 3 live in GFs before that didn't work out--do you know how long these relationships lasted?  I think w/ a child you have to be more careful.  Whether you buy a new house or move in to his house, you don't want a situation where it's just a trial, you make her move & then you have to move out.  Does he not understand this?  And if you moved in togther, would you just be renting or buying?  If you rented, would you have the lease in both names?  What would you do if you broke up?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Sat, 07-28-2012 - 6:33pm

Ellirobert, I think the previous posters make a lot of sense.  

Personally, I wouldn't care that there had been other girlfriends living there - but the fact that those relationships weren't sustainable would worry me.   To me, moving in together should have something of a permanency about it...and those three lost girlfriends indicate something more transient.   I strongly echo the suggestion of finding out what went wrong in those relationships.    And if he puts all the blame on them for not being good partners, consider that he may well blame you if things don't work out.

That being said, I'd be wary of moving my child in with a man.   I would have to have zero doubts and known him for a substantial amount of time before I'd do it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Sun, 07-29-2012 - 2:25am
Yep, she needs to have a back up plan if she moves herself, child and dog in with him. If only HIS name is on the lease or mortgage and things don't work out, she could be out on the street if and when HE decides it's over. I would also wonder how long these 3 other lives in lasted before they were shipped out.
Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004
Sun, 07-29-2012 - 7:39am

Elli,

Hi. What makes you think you won't be EX No. 4?

The man has a lousy track record with relationships. Don't be blind and think you're somehow different and won't be No. 4. There's no doubt in my mind you will be. It's just a matter of when.

So stay right where you are. You'll find out pretty quickly whether your relationship is important enough for him to maintain without living under the same roof. Personally, he sounds very selfish by insisting you leave your home and move into his. 

Think better of yourself and don't be so eager to please. He'll have No. 5 before you know it. ;-)

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Mon, 07-30-2012 - 11:33am
I agree with the others about it being disconcerting that he had 3 EX's there before you, I would really need to explore that. I don't know how long you have been dating but make sure you give yourself time to really know him.

Another thought which may have no bearing on this. I know the housing market is not good in most areas, just now starting to bottom out and move up. In this environment sometimes it makes way more sense to stay where you are, people can be underwater on their mortgage , etc.
Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Mon, 07-30-2012 - 4:07pm

If you move in with him are you going to rent out your place?  Think of the practical issues.  Moving into a "neutral site" would bring out problems too.  What if you could not rent out your place or he not rent out his?  What are the costs and taxes?  Do you like your alone time?  Does he?  Think businesslike. 

Goldfish