moving on after an affair
Find a Conversation
|Sun, 05-11-2003 - 11:35pm|
With XH we had a fairly regular sex life. We were each other firsts and it was fun. My XH wasn't into porn movies or magazines. Periodically we would watch a movie, but it was rare. He never, ever checked out other women in my presence, etc. I was confident and comfortable.
While I know that SO is totally in love with me and bends over backwards for me...he _does_ check out women. He's not so discrete as other men I've dated. His response to my complaint is that he'll stop when I stop. Caught. When I was going to therapy with XH, the doctor said that it's human nature, etc. I get it in my brain, but it just totally makes me anxious. Sometimes some man will walk by and I will look so I totally get it that means nothing. People get dressed to be noticed and we notice some more than others.
And SO and I have a fantastic sex life...when we're together, it's more than enough for me. When we're apart, he takes care of himself which doesn't bother me. What gets my goat is that he uses porn. This is not news to me...he's mentionned it once or twice...but my anxiety over this is at full tilt. In my brain, I understand because I incorporated porn in my sex life in another lifetime before there was a betrayal. While we were looking at people with fantastic proportions, it never bothered me...but now, now it's totally different. I'm so insecure about him looking at women with larger breasts, flat bellies. It's irrational.
A part of me acknowledges that I'm probably making a very big deal about this because we're getting closer and closer to getting engaged and I might be throwing it up because of fear. I knew before and it wasn't a big deal to me because it was something that he did at his house. To think that I'll go to bed some night and he'll stay up to be online instead of joining me...that's my fear and the source of anxiety. It's not like he's going to leave me for this woman on a screen. And I don't know that it's something that I can share with him, something that I can incorporate into my sexlife now, post affair.
I've come a very long way. I'm in love and I trust and I'm building a new life with someone...but these things keep coming up.
You're wondering if I haven't talked to SO about this. I have. I was clear that I wasn't asking him to change or to stop. His response is that he doesn't know what to say to me about this...because he does think that he is addicted to this activity, but that he can't see that he would turn on the computer when I would be in the bed waiting for him. I told him that I thought this was my issue and he said, no, that it was our issue because it's causing me stress/causing stress on the relationship. He was really anxious that at this late point (almost two years), I would be telling him 'out of the blue' that I've found a dealbreaker. He asked me what I was going to do to actively figure out if this was something that I could live with. I don't know. All I can think is to a. go to therapy or b. check it out what he sees, maybe try to incorporate the porn back into my repetoire.
What do you guys think?