Moving in problems
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| Mon, 09-18-2006 - 1:32pm |
My bf and I have been together a little over a year, he's 23, I'm 28. All in all, I'd say we have a great r'ship, and we plan on marrying eventually.
Anyway, recently his grandma endded up in a nursing home, so her house has been sitting empty for a few months. So we decided last week that we would rent out his grandma's house from his parents. I was thrilled to be moving in with him, and I know he was excited too.
Well here's the problem. Sat night we're out at his cabin with some friends, and the drinks were flowing. Well, I could see my bf and his friend Dan talking about something and I heard my bf tell Dan to "go ask me". Well Dan comes over and asks me if he can move in with us. I had quite a few drinks, and it sounded like a great idea at the time, so I so I said sure, why not, and laughed it off. Well yesterday I woke up and immediately regretted that decision because now he thinks he's moving in and there is NO WAY I want him living with us. Plus it's not my decision because it's not our house. So I tell my bf that I really don't want Dan living there with us, and now my bf's pissed off because I told Dab he could and now I've changed my mind, um no, I'm just sober and thinking clearly. And my bf doesn't care either way, but he doesn't want to tell Dan that he can't move in. My bf is chicken when it comes to stuff like that. But really, why wouldn't he discuss this with me first, and when we're sober at least? That wasn't fair.
And I do like Dan, but I can picture what it's going to be like if he moves in. It'll be them 2 up drinking every other night of the week, and that will tear our r'ship apart. So now what.......should I ask his parents to tell him that they don't want anyone else living there? Honestly I'd rather just get my own apartment than live with them two. Any thoughts would be appreciated.
Mia

I've BTDT, sort-of.
Hi Mia,
Just a different perspective here, but one thing that struck me while reading your post is that there seems to be a big parent/child dynamic going on here between you and your boyfriend.
I agree with Kim and Jenny, do you see what you're saying? You've said if Dan moves in he and your boyfriend will be drinking every other night, tearing your relationship apart. You may hate to look at it, but your boyfriend is responsible for maintaining his relationship with you and for setting boundaries for his own actions. Dan may want to play every night, but your boyfriend doesn't have to say yes; and if he does it means it's what he chooses to do -- it also means he's acting his age - 23, and isn't as mature or adult as you are. At 35 and 30 a five year spread won't be any big deal, but at 28 and 23, it's a very big spread. Stop and think about it, your boyfriend's entire stance on this is childish and immature. He's pissed because you changed your mind. An adult would recognize that asking such a question while drinking was a bad idea and any decisions made are null and void. An adult wouldn't have Dan "go and ask her", an adult would have insisted on discussing it with his girlfriend himself, in private, so that it could be really discussed and a real decision could be made. He's handled this like a child and continues to take that stance. It's safe to say there will be more of the same to come.
Honestly? I'd suggest you do what you suggested and move into your own place, let Dan and your boyfriend move in together. That way you can watch from a distance, have a place to go when you've had enough of their antics and be grateful you have your own place if you ever break up with your boyfriend.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
He lives at home right now. His friend lives at home also. I'm in an apt with a roommate but she's moving out, which is why we were planning on renting out his grandma's house. I agree with you that my bf has a lot of growing up to do, and yes, I sometimes feel like I'm more than just 5 years older than him. But 90% of the time, we get along just fine. So it's hard.
I guess it just hurts me the way this whole thing was brought up. I mean, why would he want his friend to live with us? His friends are always around us as it is, I don't need them living with us.
So I'm just going to tell him, that we should just forget the whole idea of even moving into that house. He can't afford it without me, so he can stay at home and I'll get my own place.
Mia,
I agree with cl-2nd_life that your BF still has a lot of growing up and maturing to do before he can even think about living together with you.