My bf lies a lot

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2003
My bf lies a lot
5
Mon, 06-23-2003 - 9:47am
My bf of two years lies so much I don't know if he ever tells the truth anymore. It's little stuff too, like he'll say he was on the computer for 20 minutes when it was really four hours, says he has a job interview when he doesn't, he makes up stories about people or things that happened and none of it did, and it isn't everything he says but most of it seems to be lies. I can prove some of it is but not everything and I'm tired of checking most of what he says out. I don't even care some of the time so I don't go around trying to verify everything, but usually when I do I find out it's either an outright lie or an exaggeration. He's very attentive and caring towards me though, and it's not like he's lying about his whereabouts or anything, just other things that don't seem to make any sense to me. This is starting to lessen my respect for him but I love him and I'm pretty sure he loves me, at least he says so all the time (can I believe him?) and he does try to change whenever we talk about it. His changes just don't last more than a couple days usually. Do you think it's worth trying to get him to counseling or just bag the relationship? The thought of breaking up makes me feel very sad and I know if we do it's going to be the hardest thing I've ever done, so if there's any hope of saving it I'd like to try I just don't know how. Thank you.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 06-23-2003 - 1:04pm
That personally would be a dealbreaker for me, but only you can decide if dishonesty is something you can live with. Trust is, IMO, crucial to a relationship, and if one person is always lying, how can you have trust?

I suggested the book "When Your Lover is a Liar" to another poster and would recommend it to you as well.

Sheri

Avatar for jenniferstell
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2003
Tue, 06-24-2003 - 11:12am
You know what? When my current husband was just my boyfriend, he did the exact same thing. It got to the point that I didn't trust one single word out of his mouth. I loved him, though, and even though I agonized over whether or not I should stay with him when I couldn't trust him about even the smallest statement he made. I let him know every chance I got that I couldn't live with the distrust that he was causing. Seems as though the more I let him know, the deeper it sank in. Now, we're married, and though he does occasionally tell a fib (who doesn't?), he no longer lies just to make up conversation or just because the truth isn't really exciting.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2003
Tue, 06-24-2003 - 3:31pm
So there is some hope. He is trying it seems like, if I could just get him to make it a habit I would be happy. I tried just tuning him out when he started on one of his lies, thinking he would get the message but he didn't. Now I'm confronting him but not in a nasty way, just basically letting him know that I know he's lying. If he doesn't show a lot of improvement by a couple months from now I'm moving on.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-25-2003 - 12:18am
Moving on if things haven't improved noteably at a pre-set time sounds like a good idea to me. Jennifer's husband may have gotten over his problem, though I don't think we all lie occasionally - certainly not to our s/o's, but he is an exception.

Therapy is probably the best place for him, but it will only be helpful if he doesn't like how he is and he wants to change it. Doing it for you, or to keep you from leaving won't be enough to make any difference in the long run. It's not a surprise that he gets better for a week or two then slips back to his old ways, unless he has a clear plan of what he's going to do to actively change his behavior (and the drive to make it happen -- not YOU driving him to make it happen) he'll slide back into his comfortable behavior. I believe they say it takes six months for a new behavior to become a habit, and a year to make it a lifelong one.

I'd also suggest you pick up the book Sherri suggested.

If only people would be who we want them to be, huh? It's hard when someone is close to 'right' for us but for one major, glaring problem.

cl-2nd_life








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2003
Wed, 06-25-2003 - 12:28am
Definate dealbreaker for me, and I wouldn't even question it. I can't stand liars, I do not lie to people I care about no matter how bad the truth stinks, and I most certainly wouldn't consider dating a liar- DEFINATELY NOT marriage honey.