My BF is a pathological liar

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2003
My BF is a pathological liar
Tue, 06-17-2003 - 12:11pm
I discovered an e-mail that my boyfriend sent to a friend where he talked about it being hard to be faithful but he loved me and didn't want to lose me. He mentions the girls he wanted to "do" including her.

I talked to him about it and he said it was a joke with the girl, that he wrote that to boost her self-esteem. And that he stopped doing that (the e-mail was several months old) I told him I didn't buy it and that I felt insulted and hurt.

This talk turned into a general talk about being open and honest with each other. He came clean on many things and admitted to being a pathological liar since he was young. He's always had self-esteem problems and went to therapy for it but it didn't get completely cured. He admitted that he repeatedly lied to family and friends (mainly white lies but he had created an imaginary life of sorts by exagerating things about himself). Apparently many times he lies without knowing because it is so normal for him that he doesn't realize it. Sometimes he doesn't notice he lied until long after it's been done.

He told me of the instances where he lied to me (those that he could remember). Most of it were white lies (ie. he told me he got to work on time when he was really late) or lies about his imaginary life (ie. he had told me about past experiences but confessed that I'm really his first). These lies on itself don't bother me as much as the e-mail.

Even though I was so hurt I could get myself to leave him. As a result of all of this I have put him on "probation", I clearly stated that I understood what a pathological liar is (I was one as a teen and I overcame it with therapy). But he must make an effort at stopping the lies and he had to come clean if he caught himself lying. I'm trying to be as understanding since I don't want him to feel cornered but at the same time I made it clear that I won't automatically trust him anymore and that I would start questioning things.

He agrees with me on needing therapy but he just stopped seeing a therapist for his anxiety because it wasn't helping him so he is not ready to start with another therapist just yet.

I want to give him as much support but only as long as I see him making at effort at stopping his lying and working on our relationship. I'm still confused.