My BF's Addiction....

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2004
My BF's Addiction....
2
Fri, 03-17-2006 - 11:33am
Ive been with my boyfriend for almost 4 years and we live together-- I'm 22 and he's 24. From the beginning, we liked to smoke marijuana for enjoyment-- usually couple times a month. But now, four years later... it has really gotten out of hand. He smokes at least 2 blunts a day every day. I asked him to stop so many times because it is draining his pockets as well as his health, and he usually stops for a week or two but then gets back in the groove. The thing is, when he offers it to me soemtimes I'll laugh and smoek with him so maybe he didn't take me seriously when I asked him to quit. But now, I am ready to quit and have for about a week so far-- I know I can do it, I am not addicted but I want him to quit also and he doesn't want to. He wants to get married, buy a place to live and have kids as soon as we can but I cannot see that happening unless he quits first---I even told him I wouldn't mind if he lit up once a week...but not every single day.
He doesn't wnat to listen and I don't want to leave him over this because he is really a great guy. My biggest concern for this issue is money---he wastes most of his money on marijuana and that is a big problem if we wnat to get married and have kids and buy a place to live. He just doesn't understand...I feel like I'm living with a child....what should I do????
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Fri, 03-17-2006 - 11:43am

::He doesn't wnat to listen and I don't want to leave him over this because he is really a great guy. My biggest concern for this issue is money---he wastes most of his money on marijuana and that is a big problem if we wnat to get married and have kids and buy a place to live. He just doesn't understand...I feel like I'm living with a child....what should I do????

An addiction is stronger than anything else and of course he doesn't want to listen, because it would make him wrong and would make him have to change something in his choices and/or behavior and he's not ready to to that.

This is not easy to do, espeically if you have never gone through counseling, but instead of taking the role of the 'parent' in this scenario - take the role of an adult. If this was anyone else you love or a roommate, how would you react? What would you do? I'm sure as an adult you would come to the conclusion that as much as you love this person, you can't be with them, because this is not the choices you want for yourself, your family and any future kids you might have.

If you think there is a chance - consider couple's counseling. But, know addiction just don't go away. My sister has been married for 26 years and they have 3 kids (all grown now) and her husband has smoked pot every day of their marriage. Although she's married, I've always referred to her as a 'single mom' because he's not participated on an emotional level with her or the kids. Nor a physical level - driving them around, helping around the house. But he does provide financially.

Good luck on your decision.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-17-2006 - 10:54pm

Itwinflame's right on. The addiction is not going to go away until and unless he deals with it. And there's no indication that he'll ever be ready to deal with it or change it. At this point all you can count on is that he will continue to have an active addiction to marijuana. Know that addicts can't smoke "once in a while" as you suggested that would be okay for him to do, addicts can't use the drug of their addiction, period, there is no "little bit of use" that's okay. Part of his reaction may be due to your actions. You tell him what you want him to stop but end up laughing, smoking with him and letting it go on. Of course he doesn't take you serious, you aren't giving him any indication you mean it. What he knows is that you talk, but then it all goes away and goes back to normal if he just backs off for a week. You have to decide what you'll accept; a guy who's actively addicted to marijuana or a guy who's clean. Then you'll have to take actions based on what you want. If you won't tolerate being in a long term relationship (marriage) with a guy who's actively addicted, your relationship can't continue. If you're okay with it, stop bugging him and let him do what he wants, no complaints and no unhappiness about the situation on your part. Itwinflame suggested counseling, but I don't know of any counselors who will counsel couples where there is an active addiction. When there is an addiction you don't have a couple, you have a three-some, a triangle; much of his energy and focus will be on the object of his addiction; protecting it, excusing it, etc., until that's taken care of, couples counseling isn't helpful or productive.


Another aspect of being married to someone who's addicted to illegal drugs is the danger you're put in (police involvement, drug busts, etc.) and if you have kids, putting them at risk for being involved in that as well. Yeah, he may only purchase small amounts, but suppose the cops are targeting the guy he buys from? What will you say/do when the kids discover his stash (and they will)? How will you explain that they should follow rules and obey the law but it's okay that daddy doesn't? There are lots of issues to consider when thinking about a life with an active addict.


I'll also echo Itwinflame's words on her sister's situation. Unless your boyfriend himself is interested in stopping, you have no reason to expect he ever will. Many, many addicts never get to a place where they want to stop and change their lives. Much as you'd like to, you can't change him, and bugging him, begging, pleading won't help. The only person you can change is you. If you don't like the situation, you're the one who has to make the change. Lousy I know. I lived with an alcoholic for 17 years hoping, wishing, thinking he would change. I finally changed me -- I left. Guess what, his status as an active alcoholic never changed. He didn't want to change, I wanted him to change.







~ cl-2nd_life

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when you don't get what you want."

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