My boyfriend don't want to get a better job, and i don't like to be the bread winner of a relationship

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2014
My boyfriend don't want to get a better job, and i don't like to be the bread winner of a relationship
9
Mon, 07-28-2014 - 10:24am

When I and my SO started dating, I knew he will be a good since we both have goals as to where our relationship will go.

But when we both started working, I got a high paying Job which is not that difficult and is giving me a 4x higher pay than his. In my case, I only have an associate degree. He has a Bachelor's degree. I would like him to take advantage of it and get a good job that can have a good pay. Cause his pay right now can’t even support for his own unless he won’t budget it thriftily. The problem is he don’t want to get a better job because his job don’t require him to do anything. He said he can’t do other jobs because he might not be good at it. I know that he can do it because he is smart. I think that it’s because he don’t want to anything (you might say his a little lazy) is the real reason he won’t do it. We have been dating for 2 years now. I know that I will be the bread winner, but I don’t want to be.  I know that it’s okay if the woman is the bread winner, but for me, I don’t want to be. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

Since you can't force him or nag him into getting a better job, if you think he is lazy and you don't want to be the main breadwinner, then there is only one solution--break up with him and go look for someone who earns more money.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010

Your bf sounds to be lacking in self confidence about what he can do in a job. You could try to help him see that he is capable of better jobs by praising his strong points etc. If that doesn't work, or he really is just lazy, then you need to accept that he might always achieve less than you think he can.

Then break up with him and look for a man who is willing to be the breadwinner and makes enough money to satisfy you. But be careful what you wish for---you could end up with a man who is always thinking about his job and doesn't meet your relationship goals.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2014

i dont nag him about it.. i only asked him if its okay with him... but he dont want it... so i am now wondering if its okay to continue with the relationship or to move on. Its hard to start a new relationship, I think what Im trying to figure out is stay with him and be the bread winner or leave him. cause in the long run, If this goes on, I think I wont be happy and will cause damage on our relationship. We have different views and attitude now not Ive known him better. Im trying to be understanding but I dont know if I can carry all his short comings. I do have short comings as well, but when he tells me about it, I try to be better, but when Im the one who ask him, He wont do anything and just keep on ignoring them. On the bright side, He is a good person, always is willing to help and very loyal.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2014
I did try that, but he really isn't willing, i asked him twice like a year ago and just a 2 weeks ago. I did give him time to think about it. I am concerned about this because lets face, We need to have a good salary to make ends meet, but as I've said, He's salary can't barely support him, And we are planning to get married 2 years or so, and i don't see him planning to get a better job, and i'm scared that i cant support for both of us. and I know that a lot of marriage fail due to financial reasons. Im not ambitious or anything, but I think a proper house and a stable financial situation is a big plus to make sure u have a good future.. Im still hoping he will realize that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

Since you have already mentioned this a year ago and he has made no effort to get a better job, I'd assume that he's content doing what he does.  You don't say how long you have been dating but I think it's better to break up now if you think you are going to be resentful of him later rather than get married, have kids and then get divorced for the same reason that you already saw coming before you got married.  Yes it's annoying to have to "start over" but the longer you put off the inevitable, the harder it will be for both of you.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009

You're right, it's hard to start a new relationship.  It is also hard to live in a relationship when you're not happy or satisfied.  Your life doesn't depend on a relationship, it depends on your happiness, and you aren't happy with this man.  He's lazy, he's insecure, he has many excuses why he can't or shouldn't get a better job.  Having a degree means nothing if you can't or won't use it.  As you said, yours is only an associate degree, and because you're intelligent and have self confidence, you got a good job.  His bachelors degree means nothing...only that he is proficient in one field.......it does not guarantee him a good paying job.  For two years he hasn't tried to better himself, so you have wasted two years of YOUR life waiting for him. It's time to end the relationship and get on with your life.  Don't worry about being in a relationship, you have to end the bad one before you can find a good one.  If you don't want to support him and any children you might have for the rest of your life, then it's time to move on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009

You're right, it's hard to start a new relationship.  It is also hard to live in a relationship when you're not happy or satisfied.  Your life doesn't depend on a relationship, it depends on your happiness, and you aren't happy with this man.  He's lazy, he's insecure, he has many excuses why he can't or shouldn't get a better job.  Having a degree means nothing if you can't or won't use it.  As you said, yours is only an associate degree, and because you're intelligent and have self confidence, you got a good job.  His bachelors degree means nothing...only that he is proficient in one field.......it does not guarantee him a good paying job.  For two years he hasn't tried to better himself, so you have wasted two years of YOUR life waiting for him. It's time to end the relationship and get on with your life.  Don't worry about being in a relationship, you have to end the bad one before you can find a good one.  If you don't want to support him and any children you might have for the rest of your life, then it's time to move on.

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Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010

 Perhaps he does not want to be mr wallet which is what men usually become.  Perhaps you have more talent than he does.  However, if money is all them  go and  find a high ambition person.  Wanting and having are two very different experiences. so choose wisely.

chaika

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004

You're entitled to want what you want, and to have what you need to be happy.  He really doesn't sound like a match for you, UNLESS he is willing to do the cooking, cleaning, and childcare, so you can concentrate on your career.  It sounds like you're on an upward track, so think about how far you want to go in your field, and what you will need to do to prepare.