My boyfriend is signed up on an online dating/hookup site. What should I do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2013
My boyfriend is signed up on an online dating/hookup site. What should I do?
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Fri, 03-22-2013 - 9:51pm

I've come across some troubling information that I'm not sure how to handle...my boyfriend is signed up for two free online dating/ hook up sites (but from my snooping I've found out he's only really active on one). I'm looking for advice on what to do about this because 1) I'm shocked that he even has accounts on these sites, 2) I've never had this occur in any of my previous relationships and 3) because I found this out by snooping on his email account so in a way I've violated his trust too.

I'm not proud I snooped but I'd been having the feeling something was off with him and so since I know what his password generally is I logged into his e-mail to find he is signed up for a dating site and has off and on been actively messaging girls on it, even straight out asking some of them or hinting at hanging out with them sometime. I also discovered that throughout our nearly year and a half long relationship that he has had several accounts on this same site. It appears that he'll have one open for a short time, close it, then a short time later create a new account on this same site.

So what should I do? I had the idea to snoop in the first place because I started to have the feeling I couldn't completely trust him as much as I'd like to. (Turns out I was kind of right.) But since I found all of this out by snooping I'm not sure if I should try confronting him about it because he could throw me snooping back in my face.

Overall, I'm just really confused. I'm very much in love with him and lately we've been talking about moving in together, which was something he brought up first, and he's even brought up marriage and having kids together. So does he really love me and want those things or is he just keeping me around as a constant? I've tried asking how serious he is about our relationship and he responds by telling me how much he loves me and that he wants to try and build a future for us together.

I have absolutely no idea how to process, react, or handle all of this. All I do know is that I feel really stupid that this has been going on and I had no idea until recently. You would think something like this would be easy to pick up on. So any advice or comments would be great! Thank you in advance.

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Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004

Hi,

I'd be devious and post my own profile on the very same dating website and see if he sees it and says anything. Boy, now wouldn't that be something! 

There's no "kind of" in here dear. You can't trust him. Dump him and do it ASAP. He's not really interested in settling down if he's out shopping. Do yourself a huge favor and save yourself the grief of trying to get him to see things your way. He needs to grow up and you need to find a real man.

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010

  Have you discussed boundaries?  Or is everything undecided.After all you prove he cannot trust you.  Now he will have proof. 

    Bottom line: if boundaries have not been discussed and agreed on, then there is no foul on his part. 

dragowoman

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012

B.E.G.2336 wrote:
<p>I've come across some troubling information that I'm not sure how to handle...my boyfriend is signed up for two free online dating/ hook up sites (but from my snooping I've found out he's only really active on one). I'm looking for advice on what to do about this because 1) I'm shocked that he even has accounts on these sites, 2) I've never had this occur in any of my previous relationships and 3) because I found this out by snooping on his email account so in a way I've violated his trust too.<br /><br />I'm not proud I snooped but I'd been having the feeling something was off with him and so since I know what his password generally is I logged into his e-mail to find he is signed up for a dating site and has off and on been actively messaging girls on it, even straight out asking some of them or hinting at hanging out with them sometime. I also discovered that throughout our nearly year and a half long relationship that he has had several accounts on this same site. It appears that he'll have one open for a short time, close it, then a short time later create a new account on this same site.<br /><br />So what should I do? I had the idea to snoop in the first place because I started to have the feeling I couldn't completely trust him as much as I'd like to. (Turns out I was kind of right.) But since I found all of this out by snooping I'm not sure if I should try confronting him about it because he could throw me snooping back in my face. <br /><br />Overall, I'm just really confused. I'm very much in love with him and lately we've been talking about moving in together, which was something he brought up first, and he's even brought up marriage and having kids together. So does he really love me and want those things or is he just keeping me around as a constant? I've tried asking how serious he is about our relationship and he responds by telling me how much he loves me and that he wants to try and build a future for us together. <br /><br />I have absolutely no idea how to process, react, or handle all of this. All I do know is that I feel really stupid that this has been going on and I had no idea until recently. You would think something like this would be easy to pick up on. So any advice or comments would be great! Thank you in advance.</p>

You two need to have an open and brutally honest conversation about what each of you has been doing. You need to tell him you hacked his email account because if you dont' believe you should have to be truthful, then you can't expect that out of him.

You have to be prepared to set aside your dreams of a life with him for being totally willing to stand squarely in your truth or you have absolutely no hope of a quiet and contented future with him.  Otherwise, you're no better than he is keeping a huge secret from you. 

Any relationship that is built upon distrust and deceit WILL FAIL.  Right now, your foundation is riddled with distrust and deceit on both of your parts.  You each need to own up to what you've done.

You are willing to exchange your future peace of mind for the desperation that this relationship with him will feed.  It will be no good once you're legally tied to him with children hanging off of you and the state has to come in and sort the mess out. Any thoughts of a future with this particular man needs to be put on ice for the forseeable future until you both have worked out your issues.

That said, if you can't trust the man, why insist on being in a relationship with him?  Will you be able to love/like the person you will have to become in order to have this guy in your life? Fact of the matter is: he's looking outside your relationship for diversion; it really doesn't matter how he feels about you if he is doing what he's doing. Talk is cheap.  So your question about you being "a constant"? Yeah, that's what this looks like.  He will play outside the relationship and keep you in the dark. That is what life with him will be, that is what marriage with him will be unless you two come to some sort of agreement where you overlook this in exchange for being Mrs. Him and mother to his kids. If you can do this, then cheers to a happy life; if not, then you need to end things.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

I certainly couldn't marry someone who I wasn't sure I could trust.  You had the gut feeling that something wasn't right, which caused you to snoop and then you found the evidence.  After 1 1/2 yrs of dating and talking about marriage, you should be able to be certain that your BF isn't talking to other women on the side and meeting up with them.  If it were me, I'd probably tell him what I found & break up with him because after you found this stuff, could you ever trust him again?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2010

As usual, I have to agree with Musiclover12 here. There is only one answer, as painful as it may be. You need to break up with him. Your boyfriend just can't be trusted. There are no ands, ifs or buts here. Give him the boot.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009

Have you heard of the term "waffling"?  That's what you're doing.  You want "help" but you're not even admitting to yourself that you have a BIG problem.  You "kind of" felt there was a problem? No, you knew something was wrong!  You were "kind of" right?  No, you were RIGHT!  You never had it occur in previous relationships?  This isn't a previous relationship, it's THIS relationship.  He could throw snooping back in your face.  Not only could he, but he WILL because liars and cheaters always blame everyone but themselves.  Lately you've been talking about moving in together?  DO NOT move in with him because you can't trust him!  He talks about marriage and kids?  Big deal, talk is cheap when you're trying to lure someone into your life.  You think you're very much in love with him?  So what.....he's obviously not very much in love with you if he's chasing other women. 

You need to reassess your "love" and realize that he's cheated on you already, and what makes you think that if you slap him on the wrist he will never do it again.  Doubtful.  If you want to spend your life with someone you will never trust, now that the trust has been broken, then go ahead and move in with him, marry him, have 3-4 kids with him, and then decide you don't like being married to a cheater. 

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004

Well you have 1.5 years together. Not an insignificant amount of time. So at the 1.5 year mark he talks about moving in together, he talks about marriage, he talks about kids, but what does he do? He goes on online hookup sites. Even after all this time he is still not sure enough about you, not to keep looking around, to keep one foot out the door in a sense. Just how long was it going to take him to stop looking around??

You say you have no idea what to do. I think you know already what you must do.

Avatar for Billionaire7
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2012
As hard as it may be...I would pull the plug. The longer you go in a relationship the harder it is to break off in some cases Rosemarie Image Consultant http://interior_designers.elance.com http://taskarmy.com/users/10271-image-consultant
Community Leader
Registered: 05-14-2001

Holy cow - are you serious?!  Your boyfriend is actively on a dating site, communicating with women and hinting about getting together and you're wondering what to do?  First, I would honestly suggest you reread your post as though it were posted by a friend or a stranger.  Does that help you see it from a more objective view?

Do I read you right that you mention talk of moving in, marriage and children as if this means he's really faithful and is worth hanging onto?  Marriage, children or not, what you know for sure is he's fishing for other women while in a relationship with you.  Cheaters cheat while dating, while married and with children.  What you know is that he's a cheater.  It doesn't matter if he "really loves you" or not, he's cheating and either he cheats and he loves you or he cheats and he doesn't.  The common denomonater is he's cheating.  

Run, run, run.  If you don't you're going to get exactly what you have - a guy who cheats on you.  You deserve better than that.  

As for what to say, you don't owe him anything.  While I'm not a promonent to snooping there are times that your gut tells you somethings off and investigating is warranted.  If snooping isn't something you do, I'd say that's the case.  Simply tell him you know he's on dating sites and in contact with women and close the door tight. I promise if you let him reply he'll feed you a story and frankly, based on your weak response, I think you'll be happy to be spoon fed whatever garbage he comes up with as an excuse. Facts are facts.  You knew something was up, you were right, time to go. You deserve better.  Much better.


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2012
Seems similar to my other postings today. First your woman intuition detector is trying to communicate to your brains logic circuit but, you emotion circuit is interfering. Unfortunately, you must disable your emotion circuit or risk a bad system wide crash and untold days of grief before all systems return to operation. Now as an old man I've seen this many times before, woman's highly sophisticated sensors have outwitted the earlier mans for centuries so save those emotions for one deserving them, and Mr. Keep Your Options Open especially if he's standing on 1st or 2nd base looking for a home run into someone else home plate. Ladies giving a man a freebie = being in solid #2 place. Men can smell an easy kill just like a pack of wolves to bad your the prey this time. Frankly, has he lost anything he invested in, why hell no. This FWB's was a man's idea and you bought into it since 'everyone's doing it' well screw everyone, you special a one of a kind never to be repeated person in need of a pick-her-upper and your the only one that can do it. Stop being the defeated and let's get your good feelings back again. First, and never forget this, YOUR WORTH IS HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT YOURSELF not what anyone else thinks and that means MEN TOO. Positive thinkers are winners, sure they fall, and just a fast standup again unblemished. No one will ever take you down unless you let them and your smarter than that!!! Sorry to stomp on you like this yet, better me than him. Too bad you picked-up a stale sandwich at 7/11 but toss it before you get sick. Never worry about his feelings, he doesn't have any or he'd be kissing your feel so happy to find you. About building a future together, why build in a mud slide zone where your dreams can come crashing down. Now go visit this person, you'll find her in any mirror, and tell her she deserves better than this and she's worth a kings treasure rather than this toad pretending to be a prince. Then tell her she's not going to put up with the toad any longer and throw him out of her life. Promise me you won't fail!

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