My go-to-guy

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2008
My go-to-guy
Fri, 09-14-2012 - 12:06am

I met my SO 28 years ago, we were both kids.  We dated then and have "hooked up" over the years, many times, never single at the same time.  We have always remained friends, always called each other and anyone in our lives at the time knew about our friendship.  Deep down he was always "the one that got away".

Well last Oct. I became single and he was the first person I called. I was not even done leaving him a voice mail before he was calling me back.  We have been together since.  I knew he was falling for me and by February he stared into my eyes and said, I know we are both feeling the same thing, it's just too soon to say it  isn't it?  Eventually he said "I love you" as did I and we have been very happy since.

The one thing I NEVER knew about him is that he was taught a man does mans work and a woman's place is in the kitchen, cleaning etc...I about died when I looked around one day and asked why he didn't dust once in a while and he stated, that is women's work!!  I have never been in a relationship like this.  I did help him rearrange a room, he moved the furniture, I dusted and vacuumed, but it is so weird to me!!  (Oh and his mother lives with him, is usually gone during the cold month-yet another weird thing for me being in our 40's).  Since she has returned he has his dinner fixed for him PROMPTLY at the time he has requested, I find it so crazy!  I mean I generally would have dinner ready around the same time but he literally eats at the exact same time every night!!

After my divorce I had to move and he tossed out the idea that us living together so soon would be a bad idea, "wouldn't it"?  I told him yes, as we both have a history of moving in with someone way too fast.  He has had several live-ins, several (which is why I hate being at his house--stupid right?!!)   My lease will be up in May and everyone around me is saying "you guys will be living together as soon as your lease is up" but I can't imagine putting up with his "schedule" and his "OCD"(which is way worse than mine).  We will be out and about and he always points out homes, asking if I like them, throwing around the idea of moving to a new house etc...  I love this man with my whole heart and soul and since we were kids, we have always wanted to be in a relationship.  Now that we have it, I am freaked out more than I have ever been in my life.  What the heck is going on with me?!

I am a pretty easy going, laid back, fun person--we both are..and now I am scared and freaking out about things that would not normally bother me!  I sometimes wonder if me knowing his entire history has anything to do with it (he has been single and LOVED to mingle for over 20 years)


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2006
Sat, 09-15-2012 - 5:32pm
I too had a "go-to guy" who I would hook up with whenever I was between boyfriends, or was in a fight (i.e. a break) from whatever current guy I was dating. We'd get together, he'd take me out to dinner or whatever, we'd have a romp, it was a lot of fun. Well, one day he convinced me that I should chuck the man I'd been dating and date him instead. Good God, what a disaster! He turned out to be the very worst relationship I'd ever been in. I foolishly stayed with him for 4 years (lived with him for several months) and it got so bad that I literally had to move out of state after we split (well, I didn't "have" to, but it was for my own good to be far away from him). I came out of that relationship so damaged that it took me years to recover. Romping with him and being in a relationship with him turned out to be two VERY different things. To put it mildly, we were NOT compatible.

If you want to continue to "play" with this man, even date him exclusively, I'd say go ahead, but I highly recommend you do NOT move in with him. I don't care if "everyone" assumes you're going to move in, I think it would be a huge mistake to do so. Renew your lease and keep your separate home. That way he can't look to you to be his housework slave and you don't have to put up with his extreme OCD.
Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Fri, 09-14-2012 - 3:05pm
Whatever the issues are, in the end you either can or cannot live with someone. Whether its housework, financial habits, personal habits, it doesn't matter. So far he is exhibiting behaviors that you cannot live with. Unless you change your deal breakers, or he changes his behaviors, it is not going to work to live together.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 09-14-2012 - 11:39am

I surely wouldn't rush to move in w/ him (and I assume his mom too?).  I couldn't put up with a man who expected me to do all the housework--that idea went out very long ago.  I can't imagine that a man in his 40's still believes that, but again, he trained his mom to cook his dinner for him every night--do you want to be trained like mom too?  Also if he has OCD, would you be willing to put up with that?  I think since you are past the age of having children, what's the rush to move in?  Why not keep going the way you are and see how things go before you both make more failed relationship mistakes?  Maybe part of the attraction in the past was not being able to really have the other person cause you were always both in relationships and it was "forbidden."  Now that you are both free, maybe he's not really the guy you thought he was.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2010
Fri, 09-14-2012 - 9:45am


Hi. I think what is happening is that before you just had fantasy with him. Now, you have reality--which isn't as pleasant. It is true that American men born in the 1960's generally aren't caught up in rigid gender roles. I'm not, for instance. I'm cooking dinner for my wife and myself tonight..

It's pretty clear to me how you should handle things.  Keep him as your friend and lover, but keep your own space. There are couples who do this--and thrive.