My guy is giving up on us due to timing, diff. in family background & mindset. What should I do?
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|Mon, 06-24-2013 - 3:00am|
Hi everyone... it's a bit long!
I'm going through a break-up (which happened 4 weeks ago) with my guy due to 3 reasons - timing, difference in family background and difference in mindset. It seems he couldn't handle the situation and needed some time to figure things out/ or simply escaping from this...
Btw.. I'm Chinese.. so I might not be writing perfect English, hope you guys wouldn't mind :)
I'm 27 and he's 30 - been together for 5 months. I knew it's a young relationship but I could tell we were being super serious about it (met his parents and friends... everyone knows we're exclusive). However, our timing went wrong - he's agreed to work overseas (from Hong Kong to Australia, from Aug 13 to Aug 14, just a year) before we met so he had to go away 2 months later, our time was limited and we didn't make things right.
He's a very simple person, which I can't tell if it's his advantage or disadvantage. He was purely trying to pursue trust, confidence, common goals btw us in just 5 months. Of course we failed to do it - it was such a rush and he didn't understand too much about the difference btw us at the beginning.... it's later became a big part of his hesitation and caused all these results. I've tried my very best to make things work. It's just impossible to pursue so much in such a short period anyway.
I believe everything could be worked out and make him understand me if we had more time to do it. He seemed to lose confidence in himself & hesitates if we should go long distance for a year/ if we should stop now and re-start when he returns.
More information about the backgrounds and mindset...
I'm the only child from a middle class family and I have a stable office job with reasonable career prospects. My parents are being quite strict about my behavior, and has high expectations on me. They always over-estimate what I can do and who I would date. Like, they tried to break me and my ex(es) apart whenever I dated someone that they didn't like. They are expecting me to meet someone very decent and I kinda think my life is being controlled & I couldn't do anything on my own. I've stopped dating anyone for a year until I met this guy. I think he's a nice person to be with and we were so in love. More information... one of my ex came from a very wealthy family and my parents were still not satisfied about it, so, I'd decide to forget about what they say about my dates.....
He came from a bit of a grass root level family (parents divorced when he was very young, and he lived with his grandparents since then... they didn't let him goto college and asked him to move out when he turned 18 - so he could not find decent jobs. And for now, he's a salesperson in retail shops) He's a simple, optimistic person, treats me well, and he wants to settle down for me. He had a perfect picture in his mind, however, it's not possible to make it happen in just 5 months before his departure for the 1-year overseas job. And it seemed to scare him off by knowing more and more about me... I feel bad cos it's like I broke his simple plan - all he wanted is to go on with me happily but he's never imagined to face so many problems on the way, and he escaped.
There's kind of a big communication gap between as and I'm not sure if I am just struggling to keep writing him and to put us back together. I really don't know if I drove him away by all the differences. It was really happy to be with him. I'm not looking for a luxury life at all - I think we are good enough to be together in a reasonable lifestyle with what we got now but he seems to think I'm not satisfied and told me I could "find someone better, more suitable for you"....
I told him about my parents and my career prospects at the beginning. He didn't really understand what I do for a living (I'm a fashion buyer), it seems that he thoguht I'm a junior clerk with no prospects, and said I'd better look for a better job. I didn't further explain to him as I thought it was not important. He seemed confident at the beginning until two months later, he kept questioning about my career and asked if I could afford to move out together when he comes back next year, I said yes, of course, and explained to him what I really work at. Then, he seemed to be shocked and never talked about my work again.
Later he asked if he could meet my parents (as I said, parents were trying to control how I behave and control who I date). I told him that I needed some time to figure it out as my parents are difficult to deal with. He didn't understnad how difficult they are. I tried to explain for a few more times and he seemed to understand a little and stopped trying.
My parents knew about my relationship as I went on a 3 days overseas trip with this guy 2 months ago. My mom's gone mad ever since and started questioning about my life, my future, why would I choose this guy, what bad influences will he bring me etc etc. (she questioned every 2 or 3 days, even if I return home at midnight...) I was going under a lot of pressure and I kept them all to myself cos I don't wanna influence my relationship... I was being a little bit moody since 2 months ago and my mom was trying to talk me into breaking up with this guy. I felt like a mess but still trying to be a cheerful girlfriend to my guy, everything went okay till a month ago.
My guy has requested to meet my parents up again last month (a few days before the break up) and I told him a little about what my mom did to me (not too much details). I guess it further broke his perfect picture apart. He told me he's not confident to go on a few days after.
It's been almost a month. I've been texting him 1-2 times a week to gently explain myself (that there's nothing to do about my parents, and told him how sincere I am to him) but he refused to talk about the problems.
As time goes by, I realized it might be better to go on a pause, NC for a little longer before I reach out to him again. So I've told him that I was gonna delete him off phonebook / social media sites for real NC, and I might sound annoying to him if I keep struggling without giving him any space. (I've done that last weekend)
I think he still cares about me as he still checks out my stuffs.. he's even changed his nickname to "Struggler".......................
It's a really difficult situation for me. I think I can never get any relationships work if I keep living under my parents' control. I can either choose to please my parents or to follow my heart in the future.
I'm 27 and I think I'm old enough to make a move - what I'm deciding is to move out, so everything can be easier.
I do not know how to deal with this relationship. It's obvious that we both still care about each others.
What I'm planning to do is to write him an e-mail (after a bit of NC) in mid July, to express how I feel about the relationship and what I would do in the future, make him trust that it can work (in details)
Is this just a dead end which I'm just struggling to try to get his response...?
Is it really a good idea to write him again? Or just leave it?