My husband got a tattoo !!!!!!!
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| Thu, 08-10-2006 - 3:38pm |
Haven't posted in awhile, but I'm always around.
Had to get some insight on this or I think I am going to go crazy...
My husband has talked about getting a tattoo since he joined the military 7 years ago. I told him a I had no problem with a tattoo as long as it's not something outrages, too big or that can be seen with his work clothes, (he now has left the coast guard and works as a civilian for the federal government). We've talked about many times in casual conversations and always laughed at the fact that my husband is terrified of needles and blood, but that it would be cool to have the guts to go thru with it.....
So he leaves last week for a few days back to our hometown with one of his buddies, and after two days after arriving he calls me into our room and there IT is...a 7-8 inch tattoo of a hammer head shark on his arm.....I just about fell over...he was kind of nervous, rambling on about how he wanted to surprise me. I was in shock. How could he do something like that with out consulting me first.
He says he was not planning on it, that the opportunity came along to have it done for much less than what it would cost here in Miami and that he to his understanding, I had agreed to it....
My points are these:
-We never seriously talked about it, we would mention it in casual conversations....
-He did it somewhere else, behind my back with one of his buddies..(by the way he spoke to me about 3 times in the very moments he was having it done) .....didn't mention it....
- Gets home and waits 2 days to tell me....
- This is a major decision that I think should have been discussed in a more serious matter since it's forever (not like if he had dyed his hair blonde !!).
He says is no big deal, that he didn't think much of it and that I am overreacting.
We had a huge fight, with me telling him that I hate the tattoo, I don't want to see it or talk about, that to me it represents how disrespectful and inconsiderate he was. We are in "need to speak" bases and I just don't know how to go forward with this. We still have to go through the grilling of friends and family, and I would have been supportive of it if I had been involved in the decision process, but since I wasn't, anybody that asks I am going to tell them that he did it behind my back and I know nothing of it, it's his problem.....I tell you everytime I see that thing , my blood boils.....
please tell me if I'm taking this way out proportion ....

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you write: "-We never seriously talked about it, we would mention it in casual conversations...."
You had enough of a conversation to tell him that you "had no problem with a tattoo as long as it's not something outrages, too big or that can be seen with his work clothes..." To me, that says you're cool with him getting a tattoo, there was no further need for discussion.
As Kimbirdy pointed out, it's the fact that it represents what his behavior symbolized, and that's a throw back to his days when he would hang out with his single friends (from your previous post 2nd Life linked to) and you think he's back on that road again.
you write: "since I wasn't (consulted), anybody that asks I am going to tell them that he did it behind my back and I know nothing of it, it's his problem.."
don't put your marital business out in the street. That's classless. You don't need to be advertising to anyone that there are problems in your marriage--that's how 'the other woman' gets her foothold--by getting wind of your marriage's weak point and exploiting it. If you have to talk to anyone, talk to a marital therapist.
Thanks for your responses, although I could've done without being called "classless" and a "nutcase", but I guess that's what your exposed to when you vent your problems on a message board. Thanks, to "ldack1", that was the post that made me feel a lot better and think things over.
We've been together for 15 years (between being married and living together), and we've come through a lot. I've been supportive on a lot of issues: his joining the coast guard when I was 7 months pregnant, and since moving to 2 states, when he went back to school and finished his BA, 2 years ago he decided to leave the coast guard and we took a $15,000 paycut, took up smoking about 6 years ago.....
Don't get me wrong, most of these events, I was in agreement with and in some was the one that proposed them, and most of them took us to better things (except the paycut and smoking- by the way, for those who said that it's HIS body, well there you go, I'm letting him slowly kill himself with out one protest).
What I know is that I am not a controlling nutcase. I just thought that when the moment came for him to do this he would've let me know. It's his body and his decision to make, but as a family it affects us all. Right now he's up for a promotion, and he himself told me that he wants to hide the tattoo as long as he can at work so that it doesn't affect his chances, he's also worried that it's not healing fast enough, if he get's an infection, gets sick then has to miss work.....all in all, it might not seem like a big deal, but I guess it's just a matter of principle....I know I COULD get a boob job with out his consent, but I SHOULDN'T & WOULDN'T...
I don't know that I think a boob job is on the same scale as a tattoo, but in any event your quesion was, did you overreact given this situation...probably most agree he SHOULD HAVE talked to you but here is how you reacted...
These are your words.....
<<<>>>
He didn't cheat on you, or publicly humiliate you, or tattoo YOU in your sleep, or otherwise abuse you....HE GOT A TATTOO...if you didn't know what this paragraph was about...the word tattoo was taken out, what would you guess....adultery, domestic violence, gambled your life's savings away????
If you don't see this is an over the top reaction, then you have some bigger issues at play here IMO.
Instead of being on a "Need to Speak basis" and both undoubtedly feeling miserable, what would have happened if you had said to him...."awwww honey I am suprised and I would have preferred to be a part of this process...but it is really cool and sexy just like you and and I love you with or without tattoos...promise me next time we can share this together??".....no chance right?...too bad that could have saved a lot of negative energy in the relationship and in the end he still has the same tattoo.
P.
P.S. and what is up with using examples of how wonderfully supportive you are for some of these other things that were your idea....was that a big sacrifice....telling him what to do and then supporting that decision...huh????!!!! I got a feeling this guy is in a "scratch your head, daXXned if I do and daXXned if I don't" relationship --- very very frustrating. Let me guess you exert power and control over him through emotional unpredictability....it works on a lot of men....but beware some get tired of it and start looking elsewhere for more stability and acceptance.
arianaciara,
Tell your husband that tatoo's don't really heal that fast and as long as he's keeping it clean and keeping the right kinds of lotion (Lubridern is the best one) on it then he will be fine.
Defleppardgal
YOU WROTE--- "P.S. and what is up with using examples of how wonderfully supportive you are for some of these other things that were your idea....was that a big sacrifice....telling him what to do and then supporting that decision...huh????!!!! I got a feeling this guy is in a "scratch your head, daXXned if I do and daXXned if I don't" relationship --- very very frustrating. Let me guess you exert power and control over him through emotional unpredictability....it works on a lot of men....but beware some get tired of it and start looking elsewhere for more stability and acceptance."
P.
Nobody in this relationship tells the other WHAT TO DO...everyone brings ideas and suggestions that can better our lives as a family and some go forward and some don't. My 13 year old daughter has asked my husband numerous times "Daddy when are you going to stop smoking"? He tells her "someday", and what , are you going to play HER out to be a crazy emotional controlling freak ????? !!!!!
whatever !!!
I think YOU might have more issues to deal with than me !!!!! Your post sound pretty angry and judgmental ......if you don't mind, I really wouldn't want to hear anymore from you on this post.
....because every single issue that I mentioned was discussed, and talked about.....
of coarse the pay cut was hard, when he started smoking, I was devasted...(just on these boards I've seen relationships taking a soar note because one or the other started smoking)...but these were his choices and I supported them....the point is not the tattoo, it's the action he took by doing it and not telling me about it, the point that just this morning he wants to return some shirts because the sleeves are not long enough to cover the tattoo for work, that if he doesn't get the promotion were hoping for affects me and the girls...like I said before, I wanted to know ;not to control, not to say yes or no, but to be taken into account, because were a family and at the end of the day whatever consequences our actions have, they are going to affect ALL of us....
I'm sorry, but I don't think that's too much to ask for.....
Since you asked....I don't see anything wrong with how your 13 yr old DD asks DH about the smoking, however, if your 13 yr old DD reacted like this....
"We had a huge fight, with me telling him that I hate the SMOKING, I don't want to see it or talk about, that to me it represents how disrespectful and inconsiderate he is to me. We are on a "need to speak" bases and I just don't know how to go forward with this. We still have to go through the grilling of friends and family, and I would have been supportive of it if I had been involved in the decision process, but since I wasn't, anybody that asks I am going to tell them that he does it behind my back and I know nothing of it, it's his problem.....I tell you everytime I see him smoking, my blood boils....
.....then I might be concerned about her, 1) cause her statements use words that are so extreme and dramatic to descibe the her feelings, actions, and the issue.....HUGE FIGHT, HATE, DON'T WANT TO SEE, DISRESPECTFUL, INCONSIDERATE, NEED TO SPEAK, DON'T KNOW HOW, GRILLING, BEHIND MY BACK, KNOW NOTHING, HIS PROBLEM, BOILS, 2) it seems to be all about her and how she is wronged and 3) is attempting to justify continuing to be punitive about this issue going forward....then again 13 yr olds can be overly dramatic, a bit self-centered, and punitive at times, so it might not be overly concerning if it was not a pattern.
However, it would be far more concrening if his adult wife, partner, lover, and friend behaved this way over something like say getting a tattoo.
Regards to my PP...not one word I have said was said in anger or in an angry tone (you may be projecting your overly emotional reactions onto me), although it was frank and honest. Sorry you did not find my opinions helpful. I did not expect that they were what you wanted to hear, but I did think maybe when you thought about my points it might offer a perspective on your actions that would cause you to consider their impact on your DH (based on how he MIGHT perceive them). If you wish to not hear further from me then you have three choices, 1) ignore me, 2) don't post, and 3) use the ignore feature.
I truly wish you well, P.
Edited 8/11/2006 5:53 pm ET by imasillynut
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