My husband surprised me this weekend

Avatar for ariesgirl26
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
My husband surprised me this weekend
3
Mon, 12-12-2005 - 6:37am

Hello I am new here, and my husband said something this weekend that surprised me, and I am not sure what to do about it?? My husband and I were talking on friday, he had no work because we got hit with a snow storm. He was saying stuff like I complain too much, and I am never happy, it's true I am not, but that's me, doesn't have anything to do with him. We've had problems in our marriage before, we have been sperated 4 times, and have gotten back together, i have cheated on him, and he has cheated on me more. past 4 years I thought we were getting along, and so on. He cis currently in therapy, for his own issues, and I need to go in for mine now!

Anyhow, there is our history we've been married for 9 years. He looked at me and said he has been thinking about this for awhile, he thinks that when the kids are grown up, and out of the house, we haven't fought in front of our kids in like 3 years by the way, we go behind close doors now, and we rarely fight around them, we argue but not fight. He wants a divorce when the kids are out on their own. I was like huh??? i figured out this is why he wants me to go to college and become a medical assistant, so that I can support myself when he leaves me, and I'll be 45 when this happens, i have agreed to it because , we've had our problems, he won't let go of the pat and nether will I, he told me he will never forgive for anything, and I cannot forgive him for what he did as well. without our kids we would have been divorced back in 1998, after two years of marriage, and I have agreed because there is no point in being married without having the kids around!!

what do you guys think of that? I have heard of this happening, the kids were not bitter but i think they were thankful their parents left each other and so on, I have friends whose parents did just that. The parents held it together til their kids left home and then they split!! i was surprised he said it to me, because like I said there is nothing between us just our kids, and both love our children and they are all very happy, no problems with anger issues, or unhappiness. I grew up with parents who divorced and it has completely ruined my life, i have to go through therapy because of it, they are both remarried which is even harder to deal with, and i would never re marry, because I don't want to go through marriage again, it was a negative experience for me, and my husband is the same way, I won't even date because I'll be 45 years old, and it will be harder for me to start a whole new relationship, and i won't need it if I have a job and am stable!!

That's it!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 12-13-2005 - 1:26am

Welcome, Ariesgirl26 ~


I'm sorry that you find yourself in this position, it can't be easy. I guess what I think is that your husband was being very open, honest and clear with you about what he plans to do. In this way he can stay in the relationship knowing he's not misleading you about his intentions - you are fully aware that he's there for the kids alone. You won't be going through those years believing things are okay and going to continue as they are, you'll know full well what the score is.


I hear you when you say your parent's divorce ruined your life, but you don't really know what shape you'd have been in if they'd stayed together either. Living with parents who aren't happy together, whether they openly fight or not isn't a healthy environment, and if your parents had stayed together, fought, called each other names, etc. you may very well have suffered more damage than you did in their divorce!


I don't know why you'd say you won't be dating because you'll be 45, dating isn't just for the young, your age is no reason not to date and have lots of fun. I will say though that I don't believe dating because you *need* a man for his income should never be an option. If you're with a man it should be because you want to be with him, not because you need him for any reason.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown









"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Avatar for ariesgirl26
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 12-14-2005 - 6:41am

I don't know why you'd say you won't be dating because you'll be 45, dating isn't just for the young, your age is no reason not to date and have lots of fun. I will say though that I don't believe dating because you *need* a man for his income should never be an option. If you're with a man it should be because you want to be with him, not because you need him for any reason.

I don't want to date at that age because I can't, i don't want to date after a marriage because I don't want to be in another relationship period!! Why bother going from one relationship that didn't work out to another one that may fail?? Plus, I haven't dated anyone in like 10 years and it's like I have no clue how to do it, and I also have issues about myself that i don't want other people to know. dating doesn't look appealing to me, and it's time consuming and I never really enjoyed it before, but did it because I wanted a relationship with someone, not because it was fun! As far as men go, once I'm done I am done with men with anyone, then that's it I am DONE!!

Jessica

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 12-15-2005 - 12:49am

Hey Jessica ~


The dating comments I had were based on a statement you made in your initial post that certainly sounded like you felt you were too old to date and that the purpose of dating would be to gain financial stability:
"...I won't even date because I'll be 45 years old, and it will be harder for me to start a whole new relationship, and i won't need it if I have a job and am stable!!" Sorry for the misunderstanding.


For the record, I divorced at 38, after 17 years of marriage with zero expectations of dating but to my surprise found that there was no shortage of men who were interested in dating me. I dated a lot and had a blast. Obviously, I was as out of touch with dating as you having been "off the market" for 17 years. Whether you date or not is your choice, of course. It sounds like you have some anger and resentment that was in place before your husband made his announcement. In light of that, and in light of what you're dealing with in terms of your husband's announcement, I agree that it's a good time to go back to your therapist. Therapy's been a big help to me.


Best of luck ~







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown









"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"