my husband's lately being a jerk

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2004
my husband's lately being a jerk
4
Sun, 09-26-2010 - 12:57pm

We have been married for 10 years. The worste thing we went through was a few months ago I borderline cheated on him in cyberland with an old boyfriend who I found on facebook. Things in the area are pretty much totally resolved as I've been good, cut off all ties, etc, and he forgave me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Sun, 09-26-2010 - 1:54pm

"Ironically as that crisis was going on, we were getting a long a lot better outside of fighting about that particular (strange..huh)

I think I need some clarification... You were getting along just fine WHILE the cyber thing was going on? Then after he supposedly forgave you, you ended it, he turned into a jerk?

It could be that he has not really forgiven you and is still harboring some resentment, even though he said the forgave word.

Ask him if he still feels upset over it (it wouldn't surprise me if he were as it's been just a few months). I guess from here on out you need to earn his trust back and it will take a while. He doesn't get an excuse card to be crappy to you though, so point it out and ask him why he feels he's doing this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2008
Sun, 09-26-2010 - 3:10pm

It sounds to me like you have some unresolved conflict, something neither of you is bringing up. I don't know what it could be, but if you could find a good marriage therapist you could probably find out.

Cheating or almost cheating is one way to avoid dealing with difficult relationship issues. It takes the heat off because your attentions are directed at a third person. While you were dealing with the conflict over almost cheating, again you weren't having to face the underlying relationship issues, you had another new thing to focus on. Now that you aren't focusing your attentions outside the relationship, and you aren't having a new self-generated conflict to work on, you are both stuck trying to find ways to avoid the underlying conflict (whatever it is).

In addition to marriage therapy, something you can do now is to face each other, look directly into each others eyes without any other distractions and stay there until you are talking. Try to come up with what is it you are avoiding. Explore your feelings and thoughts, explore his feelings and thoughts, and find out what you are holding back from each other. Start your sentences with "I want...." and "I fear....." and let it go from there. There's something there. Agree to try not to hold back because whatever you are holding back is likely the source for all this other extraneous conflict.

Something else that might help, print and read this together: http://www.relationshipresourcecenter.com/html/fourhorse.html

"Life is the art of drawing without an eraser."


John W. Gardner





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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-27-2010 - 3:12am
Welcome to the board, Lattesrock ~

Actually, things going smoother while you're in the midst of a borderline affair isn't at all unusual, though I agree, on the surface it seems like it wouldn't.

Like others, I need more information. How were things before you started chatting on the net with this guy? Is the behavior you're talking about here completely out of the ordinary for him?

Once we have more information we'll be able to give you some helpful thoughts and suggestions.

I'll be checking back for your response ~















"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"

~ Author unknown



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"Ignoring the facts
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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2007
Tue, 09-28-2010 - 12:40pm

I kind of agree with Sienna, although I see the dynamics as slightly different -



If your indiscretion was several months ago, he may have exerted himself at the time to win you back.