My husbands past is torturing me. Please help

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2011
My husbands past is torturing me. Please help
Wed, 08-03-2011 - 3:51am
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2010
Wed, 08-03-2011 - 6:20am
I'm a little confused - maybe you could clarify a bit?

How long have you two been together?
Did this trip to Taiwan take place when you knew him/were dating/were exclusive/were married?
Or, was this an experience that happened long before you came into his life, that he happened to share with you?

And also, regardless of whether or not it occured long before or during your relationship, why did he share such explicit details? Did you ask for them?

If this happened before you knew him, and therefore isn't a cheating issue, then why obsess over it? If it is his past, then it's not an outside force that's haunting you - it's your mind refusing to let go of that knowledge. Ignorance can definitely be bliss.

This agonizing over what happened is useless. If you can't find it within yourself to deal with it and move on from it - do yourself and your husband a favor and end the relationship now, because if you keep doing what you're doing, your actions and words will slowly tear apart your marriage anyway.

Might as well make the hard decision now that may save you some sanity that you will otherwise lose.

If you love your husband and want to be with him, then that devotion should overcome these ghosts.

I once came upon naked pictures of my boyfriend's ex. I wasn't looking for them, but I found them and for a long time they kept flashing into my head, torturing me (or so it felt). My boyfriend erased them right away (he'd forgotten that they were in a separate file, and had already deleted them in the main one). He was very supportive and eventually I stopped being so panicky and obsessive. The difference between my reaction and yours is that my anxiety never evolved into vindictive, scathing comments about what I learned.

The past is the past, and what happens to us helps us develop and grow, but our past does not define us in the present. If there was no cheating (if these events occured before you were together), then you really have no reason to be stuck suffering over them.

Or would you think it fair for your husband to obsess over your past and to throw it in your face? He shared with you (I would argue too much), and if you can't accept what you learned, then you are fighting an uphill battle.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2011
Thu, 08-04-2011 - 3:35am

Thank you for this. It all makes sense.