My mind is playing with me......help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2006
My mind is playing with me......help!
5
Mon, 03-06-2006 - 11:39am
Hello. I have been with my boyfriend for a little over a year. I am 24 & he is 20 years old. When we started going out, he had really bad habits, like staying out really late, smoking weed & hanging out with his friends constantly. He barely would call me & it always bothered me. He would talk to me at night on the phone & say he was going to sleep but really go out with his boys. Well, I caught him in his lies about 2 or 3 times & I was on the verge of just leaving the relationship. He cried & begged me to stay with him so I did. He really did change alot. He stopped hanging out with those guys because he realized they were just a waste of time & also they were always depending on him for rides & money. My problem is that since that time, I have had a hard time giving him trust. It has gotten really bad recently because we always fight because he says I question him too much & that it sucks for him because he really isnt doing anything. I dont know why my mind keeps making me think that hes gonna hurt me & betray me. He really is a sweetheart & at times I do feel for him because I feel maybe I am annoying. We have been through so much together.It sucks because I even accuse him of cheating & there has been no reason for me to do that. But for some reason, I feel like hes off with someone else. I dont know why. We live about 25 minutes away from each other, so sometimes I think its the distance. Its so bad now that I always cry & I feel so lonely & deppressed. Sometimes I feel I would be better off not living. I know this is his first serious relationship so at times I feel like im being to hard on him. I really love him & he really says he wants us to be together & build a future with each other. I just dont feel like hes there for me enough lately & he seems to be getting annoyed at how im feeling now. He gets really temperamental about how I feel. Please help me. Thanks everyone.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 03-06-2006 - 11:26pm

Welcome to the board, Boo-boo101 ~


I know you came her for answers, but I need to have the answers to a few questions before I'll be able to give you answers that can be competent to your situation.


I need a timeline for your relationship and these issues. How long have you been together? How long did he lie to you about what he was doing? How long ago was it that your boyfriend stopped lying to you about this? You said you are concerned that he's cheating on you, have you been cheated on before? Were you concerned that he was cheating while he was lying to you or is this a new concern that's come up?


I'm also wondering, you said you live 25 minutes apart; when he was lying to you, were his lies keeping him from seeing you or were they when you guys were on the phone, 25 minutes away from each other, not planning to see each other for the rest of the night?


When you say you always cry and are depressed, do you mean always always or just when you're having concerns/problems with your boyfriend? You aren't not always lonely when you're with him, right? How often do you see each other? When you say sometimes you feel like you'd be better off not living, do you seriously consider suicide at times? Do you have a plan?


I don't necessarily think you're being too hard on him and I don't necessarily think your mind is playing with you, I think this could be very easily understandable and make perfect sense, but I do need more information so I can understand it better.


I asked lots of questions, I know; sorry about that, but they're important to giving you the answers you're looking for.


I'll be checking for your answers ~







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2006
Tue, 03-07-2006 - 9:29am
Well, me & him have been together a year & 2 months. The lying was mostly in the first few months. Around August, he told me he changed his ways & that he wants me to try to trust him. I told him it wasnt gonna be easy, but i'll try. I also said that if I question him at times, not to be mad at me. I have been betrayed in the past by other guys. He has never given me any reason or evidence to show that he is cheating, but for some reason, I always blame him for it recently. Only because he acts like he doesnt really care about the relationship because he says all the questioning & accusations is really getting to him. So he tries to avoid contact at times because he feels im gonna yell at time or accuse him of things. I do always cry & that is also starting to get to him because he doesnt wanna see me that way. Last year, I got pregnant & I didnt go through with it because of our economical status. That really deppressed him & myself. There are times where I really just dont care anymore about being around. I never have a plan for that though. We see each other about 2-3 times a week & when were together, evertyhings perfect. Its when were apart that the world ends. Also, this morning he was sad on the phone & he says he doesnt know if he needs space. But then he says he wants to be with me. He says its probably just thinking in the moment. I really love this guy & I could picture my future with him. We were planning on moving out of state this at the end of the year. I just need help & advise. Thanx a bunch.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 03-07-2006 - 11:11am

It sounds like you've been through quite a bit, both with him and before him.


Cheating is a very difficult issue to deal with. As you know first hand, if you don't take steps to effectively deal with it, the effects of having been cheated on follow you from one relationship to another, affecting relationships where the issue really has no business being. The issues that having been cheated on leave you with can easily affect you for the rest of your life. Seeing a therapist or counselor to deal with this is the right thing to do. You've carried it with you long enough, it's time to stop letting those guys who hurt you continue to be a part of your life, you know? See a therapist and deal with it there so you can leave it behind and move forward in your life without dragging it along with you anymore. Considering that you're also dealing with feelings about a terminated pregnancy and feelings of not wanting to be around, as if dealing with issues of past cheating isn't enough (it is) a therapist is even more needed to help get you back where you need to be. It'll be the best thing you've ever done for yourself, I know it was for me.







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2006
Tue, 03-07-2006 - 12:06pm
Thank you so much. I really want things for us to work out. I am seriously thinking about therapy even though I swore I would never do that. Sometimes you gotta do whats best for you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 03-07-2006 - 11:27pm

OMG Boo-boo! Therapy isn't something to vow never to do, it's a very healthy decision to make and a very healthy option to always be open to. You wouldn't refuse to see a doctor if you were hurt or sick, right? How in the world can your emotional health be any less important to you?


Being open to counseling and therapy is a sign of someone who's interested in being a healthy person and making appropriate choices in resolving issues in their lives.







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"