My new boyfriend thinks I cheated!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2003
My new boyfriend thinks I cheated!
26
Wed, 12-14-2005 - 3:32pm
My new boyfriend of 4 months thinks I cheated on him. A few days ago, I had car trouble so I called my ex-boyfriend of 4years to fix my car. I wouldnt usually call my ex for help but he is a mechanic and I dont have big bucks for a real shop. So, I asked if he could fix it for a small fee. He agreed. Later that night, after he fixed the car I invited him inside just to talk for awhile. I told him of my new boyfriend and he told me of his new friends. I confessed to him that I really liked my new man and was trying to do everything possible to make it last. Not 5 minutes after my confession did my new boyfriend show up unannounced. (He always calls first) My new boyfriend stormed out calling me a liar and a cheater. I tried to explain myself but he refuses to believe me. I feel so sad because I lost a really good man all over a misunderstanding. Was I so wrong for inviting my ex in for conversation? We were together for 4 years, is it wrong to remain friends?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 12-14-2005 - 4:08pm

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A really good man would have let you explain yourself. Actually, a really good man would have noticed that you didn't act shocked when he got there and that he was welcome to join in the convo and wouldn't have felt insecure and then jumped to conclusions.

You have no need to explain yourself. It's not like you were caught snuggling, kissing, with little clothes on, or in ANY type of compromising situation. Let him keep running.

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Wed, 12-14-2005 - 8:08pm

>>A really good man would have let you explain yourself. Actually, a really good man would have noticed that you didn't act shocked when he got there and that he was welcome to join in the convo and wouldn't have felt insecure and then jumped to conclusions.

You have no need to explain yourself. It's not like you were caught snuggling, kissing, with little clothes on, or in ANY type of compromising situation. Let him keep running<<

I totally agree. It sounds to me like your "really good man" has some serious baggage or confidence issues. Find a man who trusts you and who is baggage free.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 12-15-2005 - 2:24am

I also agree and will take it a step farther and say the incident did you a great favor by exposing this part of your new boyfriend's character. Imagine having a boyfriend who believes the worst, and without so much as asking for an explanation first. Imagine having a boyfriend who's instant assumption when seeing you with a guy is that you're fooling around. Does that mean you're not "allowed" to have male friends or speak with men when he's not around? Or does that "just" mean you can't be around guys without having his permission first? Any way you look at this, it's crap.


Honestly, my reaction would be quite a bit different than yours. Mine would have been more along the lines of angry and insulted, as in "How dare you suggest such things of me?!?!?!" and "I did nothing wrong, I owe you no explanation, I have no interest in seeing or hearing from you again." And if he tried to contact me again, he'd find out I was absolutely serious. Who has time for that kind of dysfunctional crap in their lives? Who would knowingly sign up for that?


This guy has some serious issues that you don't want any part of. Exposing him and his thinking was the best thing that could have happened to you, you're lucky to have found it out early before you'd invested a lot of time and energy into the relationship.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown





Edited 12/15/2005 2:28 am ET by cl-2nd_life








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Avatar for jeffkristi
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-1998
Thu, 12-15-2005 - 10:55am

Hi

I'm failry new to this board, but not to Ivillage in general. I'm going to take a slightly different stance than the 1st two posters.

First, you didn't say how YOU acted when your new BF first came in. Where you "shocked" to see him (which could easily be mistaken for actin guilty).

But that aside - your BF was hurt. First, you called a man you had been intimate with for the past 4 years to help you in an emergency instead of calling him. And then you invited him in for some inimate conversation. While everything may have been on the u-and-up, it *appeared* as if something were going on. And for the person on the outside looking in (as your BF was in that situation), perception IS reality. Turn the situation around. Would you have been upset if you went to surprise him and walked in on him and his ex GF?

"Was I so wrong for inviting my ex in for conversation? We were together for 4 years, is it wrong to remain friends?"

In that situation - I do believe it was wrong. It *appeared* as if you were hiding it from your BF (not calling him when you needed help, but calling your ex instead). Can you remain friends? Probably, but not quite *intimate* friends. You have too much of a history with this person for that.

I do believe you BF was wrong to storm out without giving you a chance to explain. Just wait for him to cool off a bit and try to sit down and talk with him about it. But I disagree with the other posters that this shows your BF to be an insanely jealous, controlling person. As I said above - turn it around to you walking in on him and an ex GF whom he called when he was having trouble with something instead of calling you. Would you be even a bit jealous/upset?

Just my $0.02 worth

Best of luck

Jeff

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 12-15-2005 - 11:36am

My two cents.

Peace,

Di

***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***

 

Avatar for jeffkristi
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-1998
Thu, 12-15-2005 - 11:59am

That's why I said I thought it was wrong for him to storm out the way he did.

But you wrote "Personally, after just 4 months if a man responded that way it does ring insecurity on so many levels..but that too is a woman's perspective."

The flip side of that could be interpretted this way - after just 4 months she goes running back to her ex whenever something goes wrong. Is that how it's going to be and is she really over her feelings for him (4 years is a long time to be intimate with someone and then suddenly become "just friends"). That's why I posted the paragraph of why I don't think they can be the kind of friends she's thinkng about being at the moment.

I'm all for him listening to her and believing her - he should do that. But 4 months into a budding relationship, she should also be open and honest with him and consider if something may hurt him before acting on it.

This is similar to a standard "Business Ethics" clause when you go to work. Will something *SEEM* improper? If so, then whatever it is probably shouldn't be done without prior knowledge by others.

Jeff

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 12-15-2005 - 12:25pm

"she should also be open and honest with him and consider if something may hurt him before acting on it."


How is it that she might have hurt him?








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Avatar for jeffkristi
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-1998
Thu, 12-15-2005 - 2:20pm

But the difference between this situation and the other half of the population that's male is that the OP had a 4 year initmate relationship with this guy.

I'm not a very jealous person, but this situation just *SEEMS* like she's sneaking around and that's what makes it *hurtful* to her boyfriend. From what she posted, I believe she was NOT sneaking around, but it still has that appearance.

"Suppose I was having lunch with a guy from work that my husband has never met (it's happened). If my husband happens to stop by the restaurant and find us there should his first assumption be that I'm having an affair just because he hasn't been introduced to the guy?"

But if you had lunch/dinner/breakfast/vacations/sex, etc with this same guy for 4 years and then went back to him instead of your husband when you had a problem that would be different than just an occassional lunch with a workmate.

I'm not neccessarily saying what she did was wrong or that she's to blame. Just that there was a better way (IMHO) to go about it and a possible perspective of what her BF may be thinking and feeling. She even said that her BF stopped over unexpectedly without calling first and he ALWAYS calls first. To me, this implies that if she knew he was coming she would not have invited her ex in (or maybe not even called him in the first place). It also tells me that she *probably* was very surprised and acted so when he showed up which could easily be construed by her BF as acting guilty.

Jeff

P.S. Thanks for the welcome back - it's been quite a while so I wasn't sure if anyone would remember me. I still float in and out, but don't have anywhere near the time I used to to stay current on these boards.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 12-15-2005 - 2:28pm

Okay.

IF she had only been broken up with the ex for a brief period of time, I can see where a guy/boyfriend would be jealous of her calling the ex over him. However, we have no clue how long they were broken up. Or how the current boyfriend knew who the ex was. Did he know the two of them from when they were dating? Did she intro him that night to her b/f and then he went off? There are a lot of variables in how it went down that we don't know about. If her boyfriend showed up and got mad that she was with ANY other guy, that's a red flag. If her b/f showed up and got mad that she was with an ex she had broken up with AGES ago and got mad, that's a red flag.

Jen

Avatar for jeffkristi
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-1998
Thu, 12-15-2005 - 2:36pm

"If her boyfriend showed up and got mad that she was with ANY other guy, that's a red flag. If her b/f showed up and got mad that she was with an ex she had broken up with AGES ago and got mad, that's a red flag."

You're right. But I got the impression from her post that the breakup was fairly close to when she started seeing the new BF. Couple that with the fact that it also appears from her post that she acted startled when he showed up and possibly *acted* guilty even tho she's not, then those red flags start to go away. A lot of these flags also depend on if and how she talks about her ex with her BF. If she talks about all of the good times they had then I can see the jealousy. Same is true if she talks about how bad the breakup was and how much he hurt her. To hear this and then walk in to them talking all chummy would be a huge shock to the system.

To the OP - can you fill in some of these blanks for us?

Jeff

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