My new boyfriend thinks I cheated!
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My new boyfriend thinks I cheated!
| Wed, 12-14-2005 - 3:32pm |
My new boyfriend of 4 months thinks I cheated on him. A few days ago, I had car trouble so I called my ex-boyfriend of 4years to fix my car. I wouldnt usually call my ex for help but he is a mechanic and I dont have big bucks for a real shop. So, I asked if he could fix it for a small fee. He agreed. Later that night, after he fixed the car I invited him inside just to talk for awhile. I told him of my new boyfriend and he told me of his new friends. I confessed to him that I really liked my new man and was trying to do everything possible to make it last. Not 5 minutes after my confession did my new boyfriend show up unannounced. (He always calls first) My new boyfriend stormed out calling me a liar and a cheater. I tried to explain myself but he refuses to believe me. I feel so sad because I lost a really good man all over a misunderstanding. Was I so wrong for inviting my ex in for conversation? We were together for 4 years, is it wrong to remain friends?

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>>is that the OP had a 4 year initmate relationship with this guy<<
I think that perhaps we're missing the point here. The ex boyfriend is a MECHANIC. (I'm assuming that the current boyfriend is not a mechanic) It makes perfect sense for her to call him. If the ex was an IT consultant, then it's time to worry.
And just from a personal angle, I like a partner who is on good terms with his exes. My DH could still call any of his exes and be welcomed...it goes to show that he behaved well in previous relationships. On the flip side, if he could not call any exes - it would be a red flag as to his relationship behaviour.
Hey everyone,
Just to provide a little more insight...
My Ex is a mechanic, by BF is an editor. That’s why I called my ex. Like I said before I don’t have big bucks for a regular shop. My ex and I have been apart since August but we remain friends. Not intimate friends, but just a conversation every now and then. When my BF dropped by that night, I did NOT act shocked. In fact I opened the door and let him inside. I didn’t feel that I shouldn’t let him in because I wasn’t hiding anything. When he walked in I gave him a hug and kiss, because even though he didn’t call first I was still happy to see him. Then I told him that my ex was in the living room and we were sitting having conversation. As soon as I said that he barged into the living room, had a few heated words with my ex and then he stormed out. Initially my ex stood up to introduce himself but he was startled by my bf’s behavior. I tried to tell him he was overreacting but he yelled that I am a liar and cheater on his way out. I tried calling him a few times but he doesn’t want to talk to me.
By the way… Sorry it took so long for me to response but it has been a extremely busy work day!
you write: "You're right. But I got the impression from her post that the breakup was fairly close to when she started seeing the new BF."
she writes: "My ex and I have been apart since August but we remain friends."
you write: "Couple that with the fact that it also appears from her post that she acted startled when he showed up and possibly *acted* guilty even tho she's not, then those red flags start to go away."
she writes: "When my BF dropped by that night, I did NOT act shocked. In fact I opened the door and let him inside. I didn’t feel that I shouldn’t let him in because I wasn’t hiding anything."
you write: " A lot of these flags also depend on if and how she talks about her ex with her BF. If she talks about all of the good times they had then I can see the jealousy. Same is true if she talks about how bad the breakup was and how much he hurt her. To hear this and then walk in to them talking all chummy would be a huge shock to the system.
she writes: "When he walked in I gave him a hug and kiss, because even though he didn’t call first I was still happy to see him. Then I told him that my ex was in the living room and we were sitting having conversation. As soon as I said that he barged into the living room, had a few heated words with my ex and then he stormed out. Initially my ex stood up to introduce himself but he was startled by my bf’s behavior. I tried to tell him he was overreacting but he yelled that I am a liar and cheater on his way out. I tried calling him a few times but he doesn’t want to talk to me. "
Looks like you made a totally incorrect character assasination on her based upon a lot of things you didn't know or didn't read right. It would seem that her boyfriend acted like an hysterical ninny, overreacting to meeting her ex, who just happened to help her fix her broken down car because he's a MECHANIC, since BF ain't got it like that.
In Jeff's defense (not that he needs my defense), he admitted he was making assumptions and said it was his "impression" and how it "seemed" from his reading of the OP and that it all "depends" on certain other factors to which he doesn't know about.
Thanks for the added info, Nooch24, as you can see there's been quite a discussion and a lot of assumptions being made on both sides of this issue. To have clarity on your actual situation and give you good feedback, it's really important to have your input (of course, lol!). A lot of the discussion today has really been general discussion on the issues of opposite sex contact, and I hope you realize that both sides recognized they didn't have the info needed to speak specifically to your situation. I hope you don't mind the dialog your post has created.
Nooch, from what you've said here, you did nothing wrong, gave no impression of wrongdoing and quite frankly, IMO, even if you'd acted surprised, nervous or whatever, your boyfriend would have been wrong to react and assume before finding out some facts. As an editor, I'd think he'd be pretty aware of that need.....
All I can say is, reread this last post of explanation you wrote and ask yourself if this sounds like "a really great man". You have to know if he reacts like this it will be a constant issue in any relationship he has -- contact with other men will always be a problem, always be suspect, always cause issues, anger, accusations, and more. Ugh. You want that? I'm sticking with my original thought that this event gave you a great gift -- an opportunity to see a side of him you hadn't known before, something that's very much a part of his personality and something that will very much affect your life, if you chose to remain with him. I'd say he might be quite close to ideal for you in many areas, but in this area, he misses the mark by quite a bit. You're getting closer to your ideal, but you haven't found it yet, you know?
Bear in mind too that at four months into a relationship there is still more you don't know about him than what you do know about him. To me, this trait that you've discovered is very important and when you consider there are a good eight months before you'll really have a good idea of who he is, chances are there's more that isn't going to be acceptable. I'd say the fact he won't take your calls is a good thing, he's doing you a favor. You deserve a really great guy -- one that is accepting of male acquaintances and has a trust factor that expects the best rather than assumes the worst and reserves his beliefs and opinions for AFTER he's gotten the facts rather than before.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Jennie's right. Jeff made it clear he was making assumptions and asked the OP for more info. While I disagreed with what he thought, his posts did make me realize that those of us on the viewpoint that opposed Jeff were doing a lot of assuming -- at least a lot more than I'd realized I was doing before his posts.
And Jeff -- of course I remember you! You post some great stuff and get your point across very well. Many times I've been glad to see your posts, you've said what I'd been trying to say but hadn't said nearly as well as you.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
Edited 12/16/2005 4:22 am ET by cl-2nd_life
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
There is one thing about which Jeff is absolutely right. The OP writes:
"My new boyfriend of 4 months thinks I cheated on him."
"My ex and I have been apart since August but we remain friends."
Four months ago is the middle of August, so even if she broke up with the old boyfriend on August 1, she took up with the new guy a little more than two weeks later. This doesn't give the new guy the right to behave like a jerk, but it does indicate that one of Jeff's assumptions was correct.
My thought when I read that too was that they hadn't been broken up long (in relation to the 4 year thing) and that I could see the bf being jealous. But we don't know how long OP and EX were together but not together KWIM? AND, I still think the bf over-reacted greatly. My opinion got worse reading that he stormed into HER living room and verbally attacked her ex. Then stormed out of her house while yelling insults.
Jen
I really appreciate everyone's viewpoints.
cl-2nd_life Writes:
“ask yourself if this sounds like "a really great man".” ” I'd say he might be quite close to ideal for you in many areas, but in this area, he misses the mark by quite a bit”
My BF’s actions that night were not in anyway qualities of a good man. But even a good man has undesirable traits. Everyone has one or two problems with themselves, its just about which problems you are willing to deal with and which ones you are not. Up until now I haven’t seen any signs of jealousy, which is why I feel that maybe I was wrong.
Jeff suggested:
“Turn the situation around. Would you have been upset if you went to surprise him and walked in on him and his ex GF?”
Jeff, brings up a good point. If I put myself in his shoes, I would be hurt too. I would NOT have overreacted like that, but I would be hurt nonetheless. I at the very least would hear him out!
I also wanted to say that to me it seems like forever since I broke up with my ex. Because even though it was "officially" over in Aug. we had lost feelings for each other for months before that. But in long-term relationships like that one you don’t just give up right away.
I appreciate the dialogue from everyone; it’s great to have different perspectives on things!!
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