My new boyfriend thinks I cheated!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2003
My new boyfriend thinks I cheated!
26
Wed, 12-14-2005 - 3:32pm
My new boyfriend of 4 months thinks I cheated on him. A few days ago, I had car trouble so I called my ex-boyfriend of 4years to fix my car. I wouldnt usually call my ex for help but he is a mechanic and I dont have big bucks for a real shop. So, I asked if he could fix it for a small fee. He agreed. Later that night, after he fixed the car I invited him inside just to talk for awhile. I told him of my new boyfriend and he told me of his new friends. I confessed to him that I really liked my new man and was trying to do everything possible to make it last. Not 5 minutes after my confession did my new boyfriend show up unannounced. (He always calls first) My new boyfriend stormed out calling me a liar and a cheater. I tried to explain myself but he refuses to believe me. I feel so sad because I lost a really good man all over a misunderstanding. Was I so wrong for inviting my ex in for conversation? We were together for 4 years, is it wrong to remain friends?

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Avatar for jeffkristi
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-1998
Fri, 12-16-2005 - 12:13pm

I really like this post. You seem to have taken the better points from both sides of this issue and melded them together.

You bring up a good point - thre's a big difference between a person not being "a good man" and a person being "a good man with some bad traits". The trick is to figuring out if the traits of his that you disagree with are ones that you can live with (since those traits may change to a degree, but in essence they will probably always be there).

You also hit the nail on the head in this reponse to my post. I believe I have said on more than one occassion that I think your BF acted wrong in this situation. I was just pointing out *why* he may have acted like that and that *maybe* he's not truely a lunatic. You admit that you would be hurt BUT you would give him the chance to talk about it. I don't believe he's neccessarily wrong for being hurt or a bit jealous in this situation, but I do think how he acted on that hurt/jealousy is wrong.

And another poster pointed out that I was attacking your character. If I came across as doing that, I am sorry. That was not my intent. I was only trying to give another POV and maybe some ideas on things that you could do in order to quell his hurt/jealousy/whatever while you get to know each other better. That's NOT saying this is your fault or that you need to change. The only analogy I can think of is that your BF ran a red light and ran into you. It's not your fault that it happened (he ran the red light, not you). But there are things that could prevent it from happening again in the future (being aware that this is a dangerous intersection and to look both ways even when you have the right of way) and there may be reasons he ran the red light (there was sun glare, etc). None of these things make running the red light LESS his fault, but they make it more understandable and possibly preventable in the future. Does that make sense?

If you really think he's a good man, keep trying to talk to him about this (and other things).

Best of luck

Jeff

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 12-16-2005 - 12:39pm

Like I said, I can understnad the bf being jealous of the situation. But he hasn't spoken to her at all since the incident. And she has tried numerous times to call. Wouldn't that be an issue too? He's had time to calm down and collect his thoughts. So it's not like they are still in the throes of the situation. If he can't see to come out of it on his own, then I would say there is a HUGE red flag.

OP, I've been married to a guy who gets upset, overreacts, and then won't speak to me for DAYS. It's not a fun way to have a relationship. I'm lucky in that since he lives here, he can't avoid me and I have SOME clue of what is going on. But I can tell you right now that it isn't fun to have to deal with this type of thing over and over. It's draining. And I can say that he NEVER acted this way (the not talking to me thing) when we were dating and the first year of being married. So if this continues, you may really want to think about things. If it really is a one time thing and there were mitigating circumstances... well, only you can decide whether or not to give him another chance if he talks to you again.

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2003
Mon, 12-19-2005 - 12:25pm

Good news everyone,

My BF finally called me over the weekend (after I gave up midweek last week) and we spent a lot of time talking about our problems. I expressed to him that his outbursts, jealousy and all around terrible behavior that night was unacceptable. He agreed. He expressed that my friendship with my ex is "hard to swallow" for him. I told him I understand. We both apologized to each other and now we are trying to get back to “us”.

I think that one of the most important parts of a relationship is understanding each other. After taking some time to evaluate our situation we have come to understand each other’s point of views, which allowed us to forgive each other’s actions. By understanding why my BF threw a hissy fit over my ex I was able to excuse him. And the reverse holds true. By him understanding my friendship with my ex, he is trying to accept it.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 12-19-2005 - 12:47pm

I'm glad you talked...my biggest concern for you is that this is how he deals with conflict...by throwing hissy fits and withdrawing. You could be in for a rocky road if that's the case. I would keep this incident firmly in mind and see what happens the next time he gets upset about something.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2003
Mon, 12-19-2005 - 2:16pm

I completely agree, Sherri!!! I really like him, but I am not ready for a crazy-jealous boyfriend. Sometimes a little jealousy is flattering but NOT when it gets totally out of control. I already let him know that we have to deal with our problems not ignore them. And I think I made myself clear with him on where I stand on future issues that arise. I'll just have to wait and see what changes, if any, he will make when dealing with conflict in the future.

Thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 12-20-2005 - 8:50am

I am glad to hear that things have smoothed out in the short term.

Peace,

Di

***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***

 

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