My turn to be on the fence
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| Wed, 02-22-2006 - 12:02am |
Hello everyone,
I just wanted to get some advice. I've been with my bf for over a year (I'm sure 2nd life will post all my last posts). We've had numerous problems. Lately we got back together after a breakup that was the worst ever and we've been doing really well. He's been very respectful of what I ask, we've been talking about the future, moving in together, having a great time together and just really putting forth a lot of effort for each other.
However, I really am afraid to commit to things right now because I still feel like I don't know enough about him and what he chooses to do when he's alone.
Let me back up, we had a problem with porn (he was viewing it, I had stated from the get go that it WILL not be in my SO's life), so he was busted...it's been a long time since then and honestly I do trust him as far as that's concerned or getting there, however I feel like porn isn't just limited to straight up naked women and here lies the problem.
Sometimes I notice he likes channels that display women obviously very sexually on certain shows and he has several channels saved under favorites that have shows like this. He claims he just watches the shows pertaining to what he likes but I can't help but wonder if he doesn't watch them when I'm not around. There are women with their chests busting out, washing cars half naked, etc. etc. etc. He promises he doesn't seek stuff out like that and doesn't watch shows/movies for those reasons. Also I just found a video of something like car racing that I decided to preview and the material on it, well, I would not have it in my house EVER. Granted the majority of it is just car racing but a slinky model does appear on the front (not completely obnoxious or anything but definitely hinting to the fact that there's women on this DVD) and most of what I saw was in the bonus features. HOWEVER, I WOULD NOT ALLOW this kind of stuff in my house.
For the most part, I feel like we get along we want to move in the same direction, I am trusting him more, we are talking more, we are giving more to each other, but I am PETRIFIED at this point because if he is watching this stuff deliberately and possibly hiding it, I can't see myself being with someone like that. I know I am probably much more uptight than most women but I won't settle on this issue and I have my reasons. He claims that he is used to a lot of things (yeah go figure since you were watching PORN you shmuck) and so it doesn't phase or "bother" him like it does me. He has agreed (now Jen will understand me on this) to look away if there is obvious sexual content of naked women in movies but you know what, I am hardly seeing much of a difference between naked women, and barely clothed women, it's all for the same purpose and I HATE IT!
He has changed A LOT since we've been together and we have fought to get to the point where we are and to have things going as smoothly as they are is wonderful, but even the slightest hint of anything like this and I go ballistic all over again (plus it's an awful reminder I don't want of porn, anything similar sets me off). He's been better if I approach him about the reminders on tv, in movies, etc., at least if I'm present, but it matters a great deal to me that he is being honest about it and respectful of my feelings when I'm NOT there too and it MUST be that way if we are going to end up getting married. He says that he doesn't seek this stuff out, but if it came on tv, I would want it turned to a different channel, or if it was on a DVD, the DVD would get put in the trash and not kept for my children to one day look around and find or for my DH to be watching either EVER.
We come from two very different worlds sometimes and sometimes I am afraid of all the things he knows and has been exposed to where I managed to shelter myself from a lot of things even though I had a screwed up life. I am afraid of the male psyche and afraid of some of their preoccupations with sex (his best friend seems to be always preoccupied with sex, making sexual comments, etc. - I have NO respect for this friend).
I have some serious concerns and right now despite the breakup, he is ready to move forward and to move forward soon with me but I feel like I'm the one now who is on the fence and I'm so afraid and feel like even though I love him and have always thought so much he was the only one I wanted to be with, I question his character and I cannot make another mistake in marrying someone, it has to be 100% right. I am even getting scared that maybe he's not the person I see all the time and that he might act different when he's not around me or around other people, even other women. I mean I do trust him but he can be very charming and flirtatious so I don't necessarily worry about him cheating or anything but sometimes I wonder if his heart is all there with me to be acting respectfully of me at all times even when we're not together. I suppose I really question his integrity now and complete honesty in his actions since he did lie before and what he lied about (the porn) and wonder if he could be hiding that, what else could he be hiding in his heart that he could manage to not be truthful with me about?
I'm very very scared to move forward right now and I feel like he is ready to jump right into this, I mean could he be that ready also when we almost just broke up for good or is it more convenience to live together and save money? He says he thinks living together would really help our relationship, but I wonder if I just will be mad and frustrated with him all the time, or if maybe I'll really see that he is a good and honest person. Either way how do I feel comfortable with that before it happens, because I have 2 small children I will not just "experiment" and let it happen just to find out it's not going to work, I would have to feel it was 100% what I wanted and was absolutely without a doubt going to marry this person who I hypothetically would look up to and admire and would respect their person and character and right now I don't feel that way, so what do I do? Please, any advice is welcome.

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You sound very judgmental and controlling in this relationship. You have absolutely no right -- and never will have the right -- to tell him what he can and cannot watch or do. And again he is not a pig or ignoble if he doesn't do what you want him to. Not everyone has the hangups you do, and not having those hangups does not make him a bad person.
Quirky, I should add that I realise you are trying to explain yourself in an effort for us to understand your position.
However, all you're doing is digging a bigger hole for yourself. The more you explain, the more unreasonable your attitude appears to be.
That's what I was afraid of Aisha. I know I am probably not doing a good job of relaying the entire situation and I'm not trying to sound arrogant or be controlling. He's being more cautious of my hang ups (which I appreciate and which were extremely aggravated by his actions) and I do try to give him space. Most of the things I have problems with are not severe character flaws. And when I am afraid of something I say something but often do find out I may not have the whole story.
Haven't I heard it said so many times before "maybe you can both find a way to be happy"? Well that's what we're trying to do.
I'm going to bow out of here and maybe try again somewhere else then because neither one of us are letting go of this relationship and neither of us wants to and both of us though we fight want this to work and that's what we're trying to figure out how to do.
So, we want this, we want to make it work and that's where we're going from so if no one can try to help me out in that position, then I guess I will have to go elsewhere if I need to I suppose.
See ya.
If you are insistent on staying with him, then you need to realize that it's not just him that needs to change his actions -- you have to change too. That's the only way to make it work; BOTH people have to compromise.
What you need to do is to TRUST him and not check up on him. Do not go through his movie collection and tell him what is and what is not acceptable; do not ask him if he changes the channel when "inappropriate" commercials/shows come on the air when you're not around; and realize and be understanding that there are some shows or commercials that you would not to watch that he will! Because you are not the barometer of what is and is not acceptable to view. He is an independent person and his opinions matter just as much as yours, and the two of you will not always see eye to eye. When that happens, the proper and mature response is NOT to make the other person do what you say anyway, but to agree to disagree.
He knows your position on things. Now you have to trust him and reach a compromise that works for both of you.
Good luck, and I hope you do stick around here.
Sweetie, when you post on this or any other board you're posting to get the honest thoughts of others, and that's exactly what you've received here. You've suggested that I filled you with thoughts of a porn addiction, quite honestly, what you suggested indicated that and there are things you've posted since that continue to suggest that's the case. Since that time you've made it clear you do not believe porn addiction is a problem for him. As that's your position I haven't mentioned porn addiction since. However, porn continues to be a problem as it continues to be brought here by you. If it's not an addiction then it's clearly a difference in values and as such is something you'll continue to struggle with. You also posted here saying your therapist completely disagreed with the thoughts you'd received on this board. At that time I suggested you follow your therapist completely and not come to the board for thoughts and advice, that doing so was not good for you. Quirky, over and over again you've been told that it's your relationship and it's your life, that you lead it as you choose. Yes, you've been given our thoughts on your relationship and no, our thoughts have not changed throughout your posts, nor are they changing due to what you've said here. It's not because we're stubborn and refuse to budge, but because in your subsequent posts we continue to see a dysfunctional, inappropriate relationship. I'll say again, it's your life to lead as you choose, but if you're asking for our thoughts and suggestions, you're going to get them. Whether you agree with them or not is up to you, whether you follow them or not is up to you. A great thing about the boards is that you aren't obligated to take any advice you don't like -- "take what you want and discard the rest" is something you'll hear quite a bit regarding the responses you receive; it's hard to do that when every response you receive feels the same and you don't like any of them. You've asked our thoughts and you've received them. As always, it's your life to lead as you choose, no one has to live it but you.
I wish you happiness and fulfillment, Quirky
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
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