Myrinalyn here~Everyone here was right..

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2002
Myrinalyn here~Everyone here was right..
16
Wed, 09-14-2005 - 5:33pm

If anyone here would feel better by me saying, "You were all right". You all told me so and I didn't listen.

~Live to be happy~Be happy to live~

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Tue, 09-20-2005 - 10:16pm

Myrinalyn,


I do agree you have some issues, that you are trying to replay some past bad experiences through your current relationships.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-21-2005 - 1:10am

Panda, thanks so much for posting that thread from the Domestic Violence board. It says it all, and so much better than I. It's very valuable.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown










my signature exchange partner:

Sexual Pleasure








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-21-2005 - 1:31am

Just because you find a counselor that will tell you what you want to hear doesn't make what she's saying right and it won't make your situation any different than it is. Your boyfriend is a domestically abusive man. He will always be. He will be verbally and physically abusive with you and he will be with every woman he's in a relationship with. Your domestic violence counselor was addressing the issues that were most important to be addressed first. Yes, of course, you have issues, but you have to deal with them one issue at a time. You don't ignore cancer to take care of a cold first, you take care of the most urgent issues first, then you deal with the rest.


Your counselor is helping you learn that you're partly responsible? Perfect! She's making you into more of every abusers dream!


Here's an illustration: Draw two circles side by side. Pretend all the appropriate, emotionally healthy men are in the left circle. All the abusive men are in the right circle. Here's the truth: No matter what woman stepped into the right circle, no matter how "clean", "perfect" and free from issues she was, she would be abused by the men in that circle because they are abusive. Abuse is not caused by the victim, it cannot be fixed by the woman changing. Men who abuse do so because of the beliefs they have about themselves and about women, period. It doesn't matter if you're screwed up or perfectly together, they will think the same about you and they will abuse you. Here's the part you are "to blame" for: Those two circles of men? A healthy, together woman would look at both circles and would avoid the men in the








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2002
Thu, 09-22-2005 - 12:11pm

There are many things that I have learned though that keeps me in the cycle of abuse.

~Live to be happy~Be happy to live~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-22-2005 - 11:04pm

As always, the choice of what you do with your life is yours. Walking away, refusing to listen when he's angry or abusive doesn't mean you aren't still involved in an abusive relationship, you are. You can spend the rest of your life walking away when he acts angry and you'll still be right where you are. Your changed behavior isn't going to change him. You said many things in your response here, but you didn't answer why, if your counselor thinks "the book" is so great, she's counseling against what the author of the book teaches, and against recognized abuse counseling, or anything else either. Sorry, but it still looks like you're just distracting yourself, still in the same predicament. You've repeatedly avoided and left appropriate, authentic help for something that's not effective, not appropriate, recommended by experts and I wonder why. You still say you expect him to change and that you think you can help him or motivate that change in him. You're still there. You're still seeking counseling from someone who's not licensed to deal with your situation, you're still learning harmful lessons.


That brings to mind an old joke:


A flood is predicted and a town is evacuating. When they reach the home of an old man and tell him they're here to help him leave he refuses, saying "God will help me".
It begins to flood and as the water rises and his furniture is floating about the house, rescue personnel reach the man's home by boat, but again he refuses to go with them saying, "God will help me".
The flood continues and the man is now on his roof. Rescue personnel hover over his home in a helicopter but the man refuses to leave, saying, "God will help me".
The flood goes over the roof and the man drowns. Upon reaching heaven he has an audience with God who says, "What were you doing? I sent rescue men on foot, by boat, by helicopter...."
and then there are licensed abuse counselors.


What I offer you is the post that Pandabu mentioned in her response. It's very good and touches on religious counseling and abuse. I've gained permission from the Dealing With Abuse cl's to add it to this board's Information and Resources section. If you haven't read it before, I suggest you take a look:
Counseling and Domestic Abuse . You might be interested to know that many women on the Domestic Abuse board are women of deep faith. You really should give them a try Dealing With Domestic Abuse board and you should read the Abuse Board’s Homepage . There's much help and information on that board and that homepage to really help you. As always, the choices you make with your life are yours to make.
Good luck, sweetie.








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2002
Fri, 09-23-2005 - 9:50am

I will answer your question.

~Live to be happy~Be happy to live~

Pages