TO NAVY212

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
TO NAVY212
7
Sun, 03-30-2003 - 11:07pm
Your gut's saying this isn't ok and you're right, it's not, on a couple of different levels.

Question for you: if a guy you knew was coming on to you constantly after you'd made it clear you weren't interested, would you like it or would you ask him to go away? Would you brag to your boyfriend and keep the guy around 'as a friend' to enable you to continue to hear and see how much he wanted you? Next question is, if you did, would your boyfriend stand for it?

His telling you about this girl who 'wants to be more than friends' is nothing but being full of himself and bragging himself up. In fact, what it's doing is saying very poor things about his character and showing he has no consideration for you, or this girl. Apparently neither of you are as important as his all mighty studliness - proven by her desire.

Of course, he has to keep her around, just as a 'friend', that way he can continue to stroke himself by being around her to see her being teased and listen to her offer herself to him. What an ego boost, huh? Your boyfriend is showing absolutely zero character, maturity or caring at all by keeping her around 'as a friend'. He knows she's interested and knows he's not. He knows by dangling himself in front of her 'as a friend' he's ensuring that she'll continue to be stuck on him. What he's doing is making sure she's not able to go away and get over him, moving on to someone who *is* available. What kind of a guy does such a cold, uncaring, egotistical thing?

His attitude and actions would leave a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach and I'd tell him I was looking for someone with a little more caring, consideration and human kindness than he's proven to have. Move on, this guy's dirt.

cl-2nd_life








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: cl_2nd_life
Sun, 03-30-2003 - 11:31pm
One more thing, Navy212>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

The title of your post is "The Past", but that is not correct. This issue is not a past issue, it's a current issue. He makes sure this doesn't get put in the past by keeping her on the hook and keeping this squarely in the future.

cl-2nd_life








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
In reply to: cl_2nd_life
Sun, 03-30-2003 - 11:35pm
I definetly agree with almost everything you said. In my opinion, I don't know why he keeps her around, and I do thinks he provokes it like you said and for a ego boost. You see I am also leaving to the Navy, so that I keep in my too. I think "Man, what will happen when I leave to boot, and how much time will he actually spend with this girl?"

I actually had a huge conversation about her tonight and got across a lot of the points across to him. I still don't know if he understands why I have such a big problem with it. I reversed the situation on him of me having a person like his 'so-called' friend and the situation he is in and drinking together alone at his apartment. He wouldn't like it too much from what he said. She bounces around from guy to guy and always comes back to him telling him she can't find anyone like you. She, also, confessed that she still had a thing for him and if I had problems with it she would leave him alone. Then, just this week, 'oh, she has a new boyfriend'. I told him she is pulling your leg and throws guilt trips in your face, and he doesn't see it. The good thing is that he does tell me, but is he telling me the truth that she will finally go on and forget about him?

The point of him not introducing me to her. What would be such a big deal? It is quit strange to me. He said she would say something 'like yeah, me and him just had sex yesterday' and be very mean to me. That to me, sounds a little fishy. I don't know. I can see in his eyes that he is telling me the truth about that. If she was 'just' a friend, a friend would support you even if they might not be too fond of your gf or bf. So she wouldn't try to convince him to be with her instead of me, am I right?

I am going to see how this turns out after the talk we have had today. I think he got upset a little, but I laid it down on him straight and he told me he understood and then immediatley wanted to drop it. I think I got to him a little, but I won't know until I see it...actions speak louder than words, right?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: cl_2nd_life
Mon, 03-31-2003 - 1:04am
This isn't about her, it wouldn't matter if she were the nicest, most respectable person on the face of the earth, this is about HIM, his actions in keeping her sucked in and bragging to you about it, his character, morals and the way he treats others. It's cold, uncaring and extremely self centered. If you think you're going to 'talk' him into seeing the error of his ways, you're wrong. This is HIM, who he is, how he thinks, it's his character and isn't changeable. You have as much chance of changing him into someone who feels bad about treating someone like that as and realizing it's wrong and self motivated as he does changing you into believing what he's doing is right. It's his morals beliefs and core values, they're pretty lacking in respect to the treatment of others and respect for you and the relationship the two of you have. Again, not changeable. You can't teach an adult ethics and morals and you can't force good character into someone, those things have already been formed and are in place, just like yours are.

Why bother to worry about what might happen while you're away in the Navy, the guy is of low character and morals, he's already demonstrated he has no respect for your relationship or for others, you already don't trust him - and you've only been together for a short time. This is the period in which you decide if the one your with is worth continuing with or not, I'd say he's given you a big red flag, if you choose to continue this relationship, you're doing it with your eyes open and you already know what the results is going to be. If I were you I wouldn't waste anymore time on him, but it's your choice.

cl-2nd_life








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
In reply to: cl_2nd_life
Mon, 03-31-2003 - 7:11am
You are absolutely right, cl-2nd life on the fact that you really can't change anybody. They are who they are. I am sitting here trying to get him to realize that keeping her around is a bad idea, and yet he still persues it. You can make him understand, but he will never realize it and change the way he thinks that it is ok with anyone in that matter whether it is me or someone else.

He always mentions other girls as well. She is not the only one I have met who he has slept around. I have met one girl who he has slept with, and she actually had the audacity to sit and flirt with him in front of me. She kept saying how she wanted to learn how to shoot his gun and that he should take her to the shooting rounds sometime. While she was saying that, she gave me a weird look like 'ha ha, what are you going to do about it'. Then, she and her friend made a remark saying that I thought it was going to be different coming over here and have more fun. I thought to myself, 'what kind of fun did they expect. The funny thing is that night I met this other girl and her friend, he didn't even sit close to me nor show that we were together. Although, he always asked me if I was fine or if I need anything like something else to drink and didn't the other girls. He did make an effort to at least ask me if it would be alright if we hung out with them that night.

All the friends I know he mentions are girls. He has more girls that are friends than he does males. I thought that was kind of strange and mostly all of them he messed around with.

There was this one time where we were fighting, and he figured he go meet these two girls off the internet and classified them as dates. What kind of person would go meet someone off the interent, especially being female, knowing that he has a girlfriend? He said one girl was ugly and didn't click with and the other one, he ended up going back to her place and having some wine. That would be technically cheating? He said that she tried to kiss him but backed off and said he had a girlfriend. I don't think that was in any way right. This all happened when we were first seeing each other. What would it matter what the girl looked like. He said that he would want someone at least attractive to talk to and can actually go out in public. Ok?! He said he needed a girls opipion and thoughts about me leaving to the Navy. I thought that was a cheap shot in the dark of an excuse. Of all the girls that are friends that he has, he couldn't talk to one of them. I find that strange. We had a huge fight over that, and he hasn't met anyone since then.

Sometimes he makes sense and sometimes he don't. Or maybe, he just likes the opposite sex a lot better, well that is the obvious that was silly to say. I have seen the type and been witht the type who are so-called 'players', but I can't figure him out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: cl_2nd_life
Tue, 04-01-2003 - 1:39am
What good will 'figuring him out' do? He'll still be the same person with the same attitude, ethics and belief system. It seems you're trying to convince yourself either that you can make him be a better person by showing him "the light" and causing a drastic change in him, that you can convince yourself that his actions are ok (even though your gut AND your head are clearly telling you this is NOT all right!) or you don't really care that he uses people, is egotistical, has low morals, ethics and character. IMHO, the concerns you have are moot, you've made the choice to accept a person like this in your life, you'll get what comes with that kind of person, it's just a matter of time, nothing you do or say can change that.

Surpisingly, in responses to other posts on this board, you seem to have a grasp on when it's appropriate to take a step back, walk away, and recognize the poster is in a situation that isn't right, even when some of those situations may be hurtful, but don't appear to be unethical or dysfunctional as yours does. You'd do well to read your first post again as though it were written by someone else. Perhaps by asking yourself how you'd respond to the post if it were written by a friend or stranger you'll have a clearer view of what you should do. Reading your responses to others might be helpful to you too. Actually, I think you know the real answer, you just don't want it to be what it is. As they say, if you lay down with dogs you're going to get fleas.

cl-2nd_life


Edited 4/1/2003 3:19:37 AM ET by cl-2nd_life








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2000
In reply to: cl_2nd_life
Tue, 04-01-2003 - 5:52pm
I agree with 2nd life. There comes a time when you have to just stop wasting your time trying to "figure him out" - as in either #*#& or get off the pot. A therapist once told me lots of people procrastinate - without realizing that's what they're doing - by analyzing a situation to death INSTEAD of making a decision. In their mind (and I'm guilty of doing this, so I believe it), analyzing IS doing something, but it's really a stall tactic to avoid doing what you need to do. The decision is usually something you're scared of. Quit trying to analyze and decide what's best for you.

 


~~joannaran~~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: cl_2nd_life
Tue, 04-01-2003 - 8:28pm
You found the words I was looking for but couldn't get hold of! Thanks for saying it so succinctly Joannaran!

cl-2nd_life








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"