need advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
need advice
9
Tue, 05-06-2003 - 10:25am
i've been married for almost 3 years now, and we just had a baby a few months ago. i was really happy in the beginning, but ever since i've had the baby, i've been getting more and more unhappy. at first i thought it was post-partum, but i'm on medication and still feel this way. i still love my husband, but i'm just not happy with him. i find myself feeling like nothing we having is good enough anymore. we don't have much money....i make more than he does. i hate our house, it's a dump. i hate his family, they're nuts. i hate all the things in our house. i hate that i have to work, i wanted to stay him with my baby. my husband won't help me do anything. he works full-time, but so do i, and i'm just as tired when i get home from work. but i'm the one who has to get up with our baby in the middle of the night, get up with him when he wakes up very, very early in the morning, then work all day, then come home and wash the dishes, do the laundry, cook dinner, clean the house, give the baby a bath, make the baby's bottles for the next day, feed him, change him, put him in bed. my husband goes to work and then comes home and sits on his butt. it's like it doesn't even cross his mind to help out. i'd be happy to do it all and be a little housewife, IF i didn't have to work full-time as well. but since i do, it should be equal. i've told him this repeatedly. we've fought and made up about it with his promises to help out more and do better, but nothing ever changes. i'm also the one who has to take the trash out, go the grocery store, take our baby to every single doctor's appt., take care of all the bills and financial stuff, take the baby to and from the baby-sitter's every single day. my husband does nothing but go to work and come home, and sometimes go out with his friends. i'm tired of being the man in the relationship....I want to be taken care of for a change. it would be nice to be taken care of. i'm tired of being a married single-mother. any advice?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
In reply to: ohbaby122502
Tue, 05-06-2003 - 11:37am


You and I are almost on the same page!Only I AM a stay @ home mom,have been since my DD was born,August/2000.(I lost her Twin sister,5 wks before she was born).On April 26th/03,I had my 2nd mis/c.(I'm 38,my SO is 28).

I have decided to leave this relationship.I CANNOT take being emotionally and physically NEGLECTED anymore.My SO doesn't talk to me,hug me or kiss me.He left me in Feb/2000,2 wks after I told him I was PG,w/ twins.Looking back,all I do is regret NOT leaving and moving back to my hometown.(My Mom and youngest sister live there,and they have been my greatest support).I KNOW,that had I left,I would NOT have lost my Twin DD.She died because on top of having horrible nausea everyday of my whole PG,I was crying everyday along w/ it.My DD didn't get enough of what she needed to survive.The DD I was blessed w/ to keep,came out not breathing,and I could have lost her as well.I live everyday,w/ my regret.

My So works very hard,in the construction industry.He comes home as well,eats dinner,and lays on the couch all night,watching TV.We go nowhere as a family.But when his brother calls him up to go drinking,he suddenly has all the energy in the world,to jump up,take a shower and he's gone.Like you,I hate his family,w/ the exception of his Mom.She is the only one who talks to me.My SO's Dad,two brothers and their wives,ALL treat me as if I don't exist.At family gatherings,it's like I'm not even sitting at the dinner table.But how could they treat me well,when they see how badly I'm treated by my SO?

I don't want my DD,to grow up thinking that her parents have a normal relationship.I DON"T want her,to grow up thinking that she has to be the only one giving affection to a man,who doesn't give it back.I don't want her to become as sad and lonely as I have been for the past 3yrs.My DD is the reason I'm leaving.Along w/ the fact that I need to find my dignity,self-confidence and self-esteem again.I want my DD to grow up strong,not believing she needs a man to be happy.

I am NOT telling you to leave,that is what I'm doing.Just DON'T be me,3 years from now.

You and your baby,deserve better.But ONLY YOU,can give the both of you,what BETTER IS.

I wish you STRENGTH,and the HAPPINESS that stems from it!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: ohbaby122502
Wed, 05-07-2003 - 2:23am
You've done a great job of explaining where your frustration comes from -- and who can blame you! Lack of a solid block of sleep alone is enough to turn you into a zombie, I'll never forget the fog I was in!

What you haven't said is whether you've talked to your husband about the work load, and his responsibilities as a parent and a partner. What part did he play in doing his share of upkeep before the baby?

It'll be easier to know how to respond with the answers to those questions, there's no way to know which way to go yet! Thanks for your help!

cl-2nd_life








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
In reply to: ohbaby122502
Wed, 05-07-2003 - 12:12pm
Before I had the baby, my husband did not help much. But when I got pregnant (we had been trying for a very long time), he was very excited and seemed almost eager to help me do things. People always say if you want your husband to treat you like a queen, get pregnant. lol. But since the baby has been home, he has suddenly reverted back to his old ways, and in fact is WORSE than he was before. I have talked to him. Numerous times. He always promises to do better, but then that only lasts about a week, mabye two max., and then he's back to doing nothing again. It's very frustrating for me. I want to believe him, and be able to depend on him when he makes promises to me, but I don't really feel that I can.
Avatar for mamma2my3sons
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: ohbaby122502
Thu, 05-08-2003 - 9:26am
EZ Stop taking care of everything, stop taking care of dh!

Take care of the baby of course but everything else is negligable. As far as supper & dishes-2 words-"Take out". or fast food, that will cut down on the dishes. Don't grocery shop at all. Only do YOUR (& the babys laundry) & let the house work totally go.

Spend time other places (family friends restaurants) if it really bothers you to have a dirty place.

You've spoken to dh till you're blue in the face. He continues to choose to be selfish.

If after a few weeks of doing what I said above, dh still doesn't do his fair HALF

(note I didn't say "help you" because hon, it ain't your responsiblity so stop taking it on!)

then tell dh he obviously wants a homemaker & at home mom so you'll be handing in your resignation at work. He'll need to get a second job to pick up the slack!

Expect him (& you) to "relapse". You have TAUGHT him (& yourself)

that you are willing to take responsibility for EVERYTHING. I have given you a sure fire way to break the cycle you are in. Don't whine if you are still doing "everything" 6 months from now if you didn't follow the advice ;-)

Best wishes, Barbara

Avatar for mamma2my3sons
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: ohbaby122502
Thu, 05-08-2003 - 9:46am
I feel for you. I am happy you're moving on. I think you're comparing apples & oranges here. Your situation sounds very different to me than the original posters complaint about her husband. The fact that he *is* her husband & wanted their child for one.

Clearly by your boyfriends actions he doesn't want to be there, he sounds resentful, perphaps he didn't actually want to be a father at that juncture of his life yet once in that position, he felt he had to remain with you. (Of course that doesn't excuse his actions now).

In any event, theres no excuse for his family to treat you poorly even if their son hasn't seen fit to marry you or treats you poorly himself. I'm glad for you that you are leaving, sounds like you are doing the right thing. Children learn what they live.

Everything for us adults is also a learning experience. Hopefully you have also learned something from the experience & will move on to better things & better choices.

Best wishes, Barbara

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
In reply to: ohbaby122502
Thu, 05-08-2003 - 9:55am
Thank-you! That's just the advice I was looking for. I know that I'm partially to blame. I have actually told him that I was going to quit before, since he obviously wanted me to be a housewife, but I ended up not doing it because we can't afford it--I make more than him! But I will try to take your advice and only take care of myself and the baby. It'll be hard, but I'll give it my best. Thanks again!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: ohbaby122502
Fri, 05-09-2003 - 2:31am
Agree w/ Mamma here. He says he'll do his part then slides back to what's normal while you slide right in there too, doing what's normal for you, picking up the slack so nothing appears to be amiss. Why should he step back up if you're doing it? Meanwhile, you're doing a slow burn inside.

Personally, I'd do a little different version of Mamma's style. I'd have that talk (one more time) this time agreeing who does what. If you agree to trade off what you're responsible for week by week or have full-time duty on specific chores (he's responsible for cleaning the living room, while you're responsible for laundry, etc.) I'd make a list of who's responsible for what and post it on the fridge. Whatever is his responsibility YOU DO NOT DO - NO MATTER WHAT. If it gets messy and doesn't get done, YOU DON'T DO IT. Assume he'll get it done like he said he would - after all, you're doing your part. DO NOT BAIL HIM OUT and if he hasn't done his part when it rolls around to your duty, tell him you're not taking on the job until he's take care of the mess that occurred on his shift. Don't yell, don't nag, just expect he'll do it when he has time (or is ready). It's likely he'll stall, trying to wait you out, expecting you to fall in and pick up the slack like you always have. If you do that, nothing will ever change.

Baby duties need to be traded and shared as well. It's VERY important to his relationship with the baby that he take care of him without your supervision or help. If you're baby's being bottled fed, night time duty should be equally shared. Remember, when the two of you leave your paying jobs for the night, you step into your jobs as PARENTS. It's not you that has an all night job while he gets the rest of the night off, it's both of your jobs and both your responsibilites. As you know, you can't do and be everything - and you wouldn't want to if you could. You need that partner you married to BE your partner!

Read the third paragraph of my response to an earlier post on the board about men feeling inadequate in caring for babies and how it can snowball. None of the rest of the post applies to you, but this paragraph might help you see how important it is for him to take care of that baby! http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlcouplescou&msg=6547.5

cl-2nd_life








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
In reply to: ohbaby122502
Fri, 05-09-2003 - 1:08pm
Thank-you. Your advice is very good. I went back and read that earlier response you wrote...also very good. I know how vital it is that my husband and son form a bond now. I have to say that I am pretty good about doing what your suggestions were in the response. When my husband has my son and he starts fussing, I let my husband figure out what he needs. I don't "let him off the hook" just because he gets flustered. He has admitted to me that he feels inadequate when he has the baby, and I have repeatedly reminded him that I don't always know what the baby needs, or why he is crying. I had to learn it all, too. I was scared to death when I brought my son home! I had no experience with babies, and I didn't know the first thing to do. But I had to learn. Just as my husband does. I have to say that despite the fact that he still does not help much with housework, he is slowly coming around with helping me with the baby. And while I know the housework issue is important, it is more important to me that he have a good relationship with his son. And even though he's still not quite pulling his fair share with baby duties, it's obvious that he loves his son very much and wants to be a good father. For that I'm thankful. Thanks again for the advice. I will work on it!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2003
In reply to: ohbaby122502
Fri, 05-09-2003 - 11:56pm
I agree..

These husbands do what they do because they CAN. Why upset the boat to repair it if it still floats. Time to upset the boat ladies.