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| Wed, 11-29-2006 - 10:04am |
I think that I have a problem within myself that is hurting my marriage. I am not good at handling conflict with my husband. I am the type that can not give space when it is needed. I hate it so much when we fight that all I want to do is talk it through so we are not angry at each other anymore. My husband is the type that does not want to talk to me or even be near me until he is entirely done being angry (which usually takes at least 24 hours depending on how upset became in the first place).
So bascially I keep trying to talk it out and keeps telling me to go away. The whole time I know that what I am doing is just making things worse and that he will be mad even longer when I do that, but I don't know why I CAN NOT STOP!!!
Any suggestions?!

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Whoops, I looked back and realized there was someone else in the thread and her other post got put in and I mistook her for you.
I have a suggestion that may make all the difference to this. Have you talked to him about this when you're not fighting and when there is no problem or issue between you? What I mean for you to talk to him about is your fighting styles, the mechanics of it, not the issues that you fight about. Sometime when things are going good, talk to him. Tell him that you're troubled by the way the two of you fight and talk about how you two operate. It may be very helpful to both of you, and it may resolve a lot. You can tell him that you know you shouldn't keep fighting but you have a fear that if he leaves he won't come back. Perhaps you can agree on a "safety". When you're fighting and he needs to walk away you could say something like, "I need you to tell me you'll be back" or perhaps he'll agree to tell you he'll be back without the reminder. Just having that verbalized may make a great difference in diffusing your fear. Being able to let it go sooner may make a big difference in the time he needs to cool off too. You might find that an earlier exit will let him cool down faster (he won't get so worked up if you let it go sooner) and have him back sooner, the snowball effect will be good things for the two of you.
What do you think?~ cl-2nd_life
"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
I agree with you completely. The sooner I allow the two of us to walk away from the fight, the less time he will need to cool off. It just makes me so angry that I can not convince myself of this when things are heated and I am emotional.
We have tried in the past to talk about our fighting styles when we are not fighting, but we never seem to be able to come up with a solution that is satisfactory for both of us. He tells me that I should not become so overly emotional. He also says that I am passive aggressive with really bothers him (Going back and forth from crying to arguing). So, bascially he is putting the entire issue of our fighting and communication problems on me.
If I tell him something that he does that I do not like, he comes back with "well, I'm just reacting to your behavior." UGHHH!
I want to change my communication styles, but it is not easy and there will be times when I slip up. I feel like he never looks at the big picture, like he just finds every instance of something he does not like and that takes over his whole attitude and feelings about our r/ship.
As far as things after my previous post; I thought things were improving.
We hadn't had any really nasty fights since then. I have been working on how I speak to him on a daily basis - trying to stop using a tone. I know that has gotten better. Sometimes I slip up, but it is much less frequently than it used to be.
So, just when I think things had been improving all along, last night he told me (we were not fighting, we were talking calmly) that he is not happy with the way we communicate. Actually, it started b/c we were talking about sex and I asked why he doesn't initiate it as much anymore. He said that he doesn't trust me with his feelings. he said we don't have conversations anymore - that I am critical or combative. So I said "is this how you feel about our interactions every day?" He said "Almost, yes."
That was the end of that conversation. What do I say to that? Except that I do not agree, but there is no point b/c then he just says, "well, then we disagree."
I don't know what to do now, except pay really close attention to our verbal interactions to see if he is right.
Thank you for your help, I really appreciate it.
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
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