Need advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2006
Need advice
3
Mon, 06-26-2006 - 3:05pm
I have been with my fiance for 5 1/2 years. We live together and have 2 children. Our son is 2 and our daughter is 6 weeks old. Our relationship is really strained right now. We just look for reasons to fight with each other. We are just on each others last nerve. I have a hard time expressing my feelings because I cry at the drop of a hat. I am the type of person that cries over commercials. I want to know if anyone knows any type of exercises that we can do to help us communicate and say what is really on our minds. I think if I have some type of rules or guidelines I might have an easier time. Anyone have any advice??
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: nwalters80
Tue, 06-27-2006 - 1:15am

I'm sorry you're struggling, Nwalters80 ~


Something that stood out as a concern for me was the fact that you have a newborn. Have you always been so emotional or is this somewhat new? I'm wondering specifically if you might have some postpartum depression issues going on. If you think that's at all possible, please talk to your doctor. I wouldn't be surprised if part of the problem you and your s/o are having is the stress and strain that having a newborn in the house brings. It's a pretty difficult time, for sure; especially when there's another child to care for as well.


There are some articles in our Information and Resources section that are quite good, all are articles and exercises that therapists use with their clients. There are some articles on constructive arguing:
Ten Rules For Fair Fighting
Verbal Fencing With Someone You Love

Dos and Don'ts For Fair Fighting
Conflicts - Points to Remember

and a lesson plan on improving communication (these are from a couples counseling group)
1. Lessons in Communication & Assertion
2. Lessons cont. - Steps to Assertion
3. Lessons cont. - Language of Assertion
4. Lessons cont. - More on Communication


5. Dialogue to Improve Your Marriage

I have to tell you the exercises the lessons dictate seemed silly and ineffective to me in reading them, but actually performing them (which I hate!) proved them to be really good and helpful.

I have to tell you that I'm a little concerned that the problem isn't so much inability to communicate as it is perhaps your s/o not being very willing to listen and take your feelings into consideration. I get this concern from your statement about crying easily. Assuming it's not postpartum in nature, I assume that you have trouble communicating because you get emotional and he gets upset. Is that correct? How long have you been having trouble communicating? Let me know, okay?








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2006
In reply to: nwalters80
Tue, 06-27-2006 - 8:51am
Thanks for responding.... I have always been a very emotional person. I have a hard time having a serious conversation with anyone..not just my fiance. In my head, I know what I want to say, but the words don't come out. Instead, I just break down into tears. And then, I get upset with myself because I'm crying.
My fiance and I have very different personalities. Which, is so good in some ways and so bad in others. I am very sensitive, non impulsive, non confrontational, creative person. Jason (my fiance) is a lot more impulsive and motivated than I am. He is a very confrontational person too. He has a hard time seeing others point of view (not just mine). Everyone just knows him to be that way. You can argue with him for hours and it is pointless because he insists on proving you wrong. Our differences are good in a lot of respects because a lot of times Jason pushes me to do something and I need that extra shove. And, a lot of times I keep Jason from being too impulsive. We balance each other out. But, our personalities do not mesh unless we can communicate with each other in a healthy way.
Lately, neither of us are truly listening to each other. I want my way and he wants his way and that is that. The thing is, we both know that we are doing this and we have admitted it but we are just not sure how to fix it.
Jason is very willing to hear me out. He is constantly asking me what's wrong, let's talk, what should we do, etc. But I avoid answering b/c I am emotional and because when I do answer him I know that he hears what I am saying, but I don't think he truly listens.
I am definitely going to check out the articles you suggested. Any other advice/input?? Thanks again ~~Nicole
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: nwalters80
Tue, 06-27-2006 - 11:34am

Hi Nicole ~


I have to say being in a relationship with someone who has the mindset of proving you wrong would be a pretty difficult, defeating and frustrating place to be.








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"