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| Mon, 06-26-2006 - 2:14pm |
Hello, I am a 40yr old Male seeking some advice on marriage. Not going into to much detail, I will tell you that I am the blame, but my wife will say that she is for letting it go on as long as it did. For sometime now my wife and I have become very distant in, love, sex, communication. I have lied to her repeatedly for the same old thing over and over, begged for her fogiveness, and she has. I am very geatful to her for always forgiving me. I have lied to her about many stupid and childish things, and relationships with other women (not sexual). The reason for hiding this relationship from her in my mind is that I was afraid to tell her, because of what she may think. She asked me to never contact this woman again but did anyway. I know what your thinking, yeah right, but its the truth. In the past I was very interested in the whole internet porn, lied and hid that from her, I was very sneaky. I didn't cover my tracks very well at all and she has confronted me on every little thing I have done. Then there was a time when she lost her job and the money was getting very scarce, we were fianacially screwed. Then something happened to me where I wasn't able to make the money that I was making and just made things worse for the 2 of us, our family life started to suffer (3kids). Then I think I started to go into a depression, and it got to the point that when she spoke to me I was there but just wasn't listening to her, I became so self absorbed that nothing she said could get my attention. I shut her out completely! This went on for almost a year, but it started before that and just got worse, in a sense that seperation and divorce topics came up. Then one day out of the blue she had gone out with some friends and wasn't sure if she'd be home that night, and I just crawled out from underneath the rock I was hiding and exploded with all kinds of emotions, like maybe a panic attack or something. I had asked her if she'd come home to talk but she declinded till the next day. I was so upset that she was gone and nothing I could do would bring her back to me, but with the support of some good friends of hers, they convinced her to give alittle if she thought we were worth it, (we both feel that we're worth it) with alittle time she started to come back slowly. Things between us are better but she is very scared to go to far to fast, which I can't blame her at all with my history, of all the lie's, the hiding stuff from her, that I did. I love my wife very much, and I am in love with her, I can't tell her enough. She says that she loves me, we're best friends, but I don't know if she can ever trust me again. We have both agreed that we'd try to work things out, and we are doing that now, we're in counseling. I am a total emotional wreck, while all this is going on, I can't sleep, I don't eat, I cry at the drop of a hat, the littlest things will set me off. For a couple months now I have been an open book, I am not hiding anything from her, I have given her total access, and have tried to make her as comfortable as I possibly can to feel free to ask me anything past or present and will be totally truthful to her, I feel like I have done so, and she says things are getting better for her and I. Am I making any sense? I really don't know what I am asking of you, but maybe you can give me alittle input, maybe some of you have had this happen and things turned around for the better. I am so scared and lost with out her. Give it to me I deserve it!
Edited 6/27/2006 7:44 am ET by lost_in_space2006
Edited 6/27/2006 7:44 am ET by lost_in_space2006

Yeah, I've had a similar thing happen to me. With the help of the women on this board H and I finally figured out that he was an addict. He has a sexual addiction, which for him includes porn and mb. He "acted out" a grand total of 8 months of our marriage, though he's been an addict since he was 14. He "acted in" the rest of the time. Acting in is still being an addict but not doing the sexual behaviors-- like looking at porn and mb. It's a different end of the addictive spectrum. Our marriage got worse and worse and worse, his depression got worse and worse and worse..... His moodiness, his fits, his STUPID lies.... and yes, part of it was my fault for letting it go on so long. That's where I was co-dependent.
It's taken a lot to adjust to the "sex addict label". My H didn't cheat with other women, he looked at "mainstream" porn.... But his life was spiraling out of control because of it.
I'd suggest you go over and read the Families Damaged by Pornography board http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-psfamporn and see how many of what those women have described fits what your wife is describing. You start treating the right issue and things will get even better.
BTW, I am just taking a stab. I don't have tons of details and I'm not in your head so I don't know the motivations behind your actions. I'm just telling you that your story sounds a lot like my life and what the cause was in my life.
Jen
If you've lied and emotionally cheated and hid things and were sneaky....well, all those things
Lost_in_space, I'm sorry, but you've left so much out, for me it's impossible to comment on your situation because I don't know what your situation is. Is your problem porn? Do you have an addiction problem? Was this woman (or women) you communicated with part of a sex addiction or were you having emotional affairs? If your contact with these women wasn't sexual, what was it? Are these the hidden things that your wife allowed to continue? What was the financial problem you caused?
You seem to be asking for input and comments, but how can we comment on a situation that we cannot begin to understand? Certainly it's not possible to comment, assure you or even offer suggestions that can hope to be accurate or address your specific situation, we don't know what it is! I'm more than happy to help and offer thoughts and suggestions, but I need to understand the situation before I can suggest anything, form an opinion or comment at all.
I hope you'll explain with the actual situation so we can offer you thoughts and insights that can hope to be helpful and accurate.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"