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| Thu, 03-23-2006 - 11:20am |
I posted this on another board, but the more advice, the better...
I am having a hard time with my wife. We are in our mid 30s and have been friends/dating since we were in HS. There was a time when we didn't talk for a couple years in college. She seriously dated another guy in college for a couple years. We re-found each other and became attracted to each other all over again. We have been married for 5years, all of which have been happy. We had a child 2 years ago. In the last month or two, she has been going out with some friends. The problem is that they are all gay. The reason this is a problem (I am not a homophobe) is that they are convincing her that she is that way also. She is now questioning her sexuality and is convinced we have never shared any intimacy. An important point is that when she was a child, her dad ran around on her mom a couple times, and even took her to his 'mistress' house to play while her dad 'played'. She also tells a story of possible molestation as a child. her parents were at a party and she was in bed in another room. She remembers someone comming in the room, she was scared, and doesn't remember anything after that. She has never had an 'o'. She had been close, but when she gets close, stops everything and stonewalls. Currently, she moved out and is starting counceling. I want her back and things back to where thay were. I am willing to do anything/everything for her. I plan to be here for her and help her through the counceling. If there is something from the above that she has to work through, I am willing to work with her, or be here for her, or whatever she needs. She has always been my best friend. My problem is how should I act, what should I say, what should I do? I truely don't believe she is gay, but like they say, that if someone tells you constantly you are ugly, then you start to believe it. Her 'friends' have her ear and she doesn't want to hear from me. She has moved into her sisters house and asks for space from me. I want her back!!!

Gay friends tell me lots of people don't discover they're gay until they're well into their adulthood. I know you don't want to hear that, but it's what they say, and they are certainly in a position to have a lot more experience and knowledge in the area than I am. Another aspect that would lend to suggesting your wife may be gay is that she chose to hang around with all gay friends; that could indicate that she identified more with them than heterosexuals. It could be totally off too, but I think it's worth mentioning. The other thing is that there's lots in her background to create confusion and the kinds of issues she's dealing with now; it could be that rather than being gay, her past issues confuse things for her. I'm glad she's going to therapy, it says good things about her, she's not jumping blindly, she's taking a good look at herself to try and discover what's what. I also think that if she continues to work in therapy and if she is indeed straight, all the gay friends in the world won't be able to convince her she's not; she may go through the motions for a bit, but I don't think she'd be able to keep up a lifestyle that wasn't real and natural for her.
I can't imagine how difficult this must be for you; this isn't your issue, it's hers, but it affects you and every aspect of your life very deeply. Meanwhile, all you can do is stand helplessly by and watch. Awful. I hope you'll seek some counseling yourself to help you deal with the incredible blow you've been dealt and to help you continue to deal with being a bystander to your wife's struggle. Staying as clear and emotionally healthy as you can will be important in dealing with her and especially in dealing with your child. I'm sure you know how important it is to keep your child as unaffected by all this as you can.
I'm sorry for your situation, it's not fair, you don't deserve it. Keep us posted and let us know how it goes. If nothing else, this can be a good place to vent if you need it.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
I appreciate the responses. It is hard. As far as getting a lawyer and gaining custody, I don't want to cross that bridge yet. She said she won't take our child, and I already told her his home is with me. We have been best friends since I was a freshman in HS. We have worked through many things before, but nothing that seems this serious.
As far as hanging out with gay friends, she is an athlete. She plays a competitive adult league and more than half of the team is gay (not that all female athletes are gay). Before this internal debate, all her closest friends were straight, but she hasn't talked to them much lately.
Marriage is not always an easy thing, and sometimes need hard work. I think she is running from stress at home and work by getting out and playing competitive sports (which is a good way to deal with stress). I am afraid that she is associating the stress free time with that particular lifestyle. She has always dated men. Always been attracted to men. Her only complaint in our relationship is about the physical sex act. She says it is intimacy, but there are other aspects of intimacy than just physical. She told me that she could take or leave sex, but that she was usually happy in all other aspects of our life (even in Utopia, relationships have their ups and downs). She said sometimes enjoyed sex, but would be OK in life without it. Like I said in the first post, she hasn't ever had an orgasm. She said she wasn't sure if it (not wanting sex and never having an orgasm) was because she was gay (not able to let go with me), something that happened to her as a child, or her parental situation growing up. I think it was something that happened to her because she has been close to an 'o', but right before, stopped herself and, for lack of a better word, stonewalled. The worst part is having to sit by and watch the one you love more than anything go through this and not be able to do anything but sit, watch, and hope.
I have a friend, whose husband, after 15 years of marriage and two children (11 and 6) out of the blue announced he was gay and was filing for divorce. I know it's not the same situation as yours, but I know the kind of emotional devastation that occurs when these kinds of situations come up, not that it takes having to witness the situation to understand the impact it would have. Divorce alone is hard enough, add a gay component and *whew* an overwhelming amount to deal with. In your case I'd think having known her for so many years has to add to the confusion you're feeling.
I'm glad she's investigating herself through therapy instead of just diving into the gay lifestyle to see if it fits. No matter what the outcome, she'll learn a lot and be a better person for it.
Like you said, not being able to do much more than stand back, watch and hope has to be excruciating. Be sure you take care of yourself throughout this. That may seem obvious, but it's easy to let go when you're going through such a difficult tine. Get a good amount of rest, exercise, eat right and take time out for yourself. The issues you're facing will take their toll on you, you need to be in the best health (physical and emotional) you can be. Do things that you consider special indulgences (for me it's ice cream, hot chocolate pudding and/or massages), that will help you feel like you matter -- and that's important. May sound silly, but it really does make a difference on the way you feel.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"