Need advice please!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2010
Need advice please!
12
Thu, 03-17-2011 - 12:37pm

OK, I have two things.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Thu, 03-17-2011 - 1:07pm

Problem with kid: His son is three years old and that's really, really young. Sometimes parents just kind of give up on controlling a child that is uncontrollable. Have you spoken with him about this? You may not have parenting rights to your child but if he's hurting your own kids, his father should know about it, and he should know why you're not going to get your kids together anymore.

Problem with text messages: He said he wouldn't do it again, that's the important part. So you disagree on privacy; as long as he's able to respect you that's what matters. Can I be honest? If you expect something to remain private, it's a really dumb idea to send it in a text message.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2010
Thu, 03-17-2011 - 1:19pm
I understand that 3 is still young, however my son doesn't act like that, not even close. Bf also makes excuses for his behavior- oh, he's just tired, your kids provoked him, etc. etc. It is NEVER his son's fault. Ever. I guess that's a large part of the problem- his parenting sklls (or lack thereof).

I know text messages aren't always kept private, but at the same time, it's something I expected him not to go showing his friends, and I told him so whgen I sent it. Trust is a HUGE thing for me, so I guesds that's why I'm so upset.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2008
Thu, 03-17-2011 - 1:30pm

Re: the second thing

Oh, wow. I would definitely end it with him for the pictures incident. That's something that he should automatically know isn't right to do regardless of how long you've been dating. If you think you can teach him a lesson by having that talk with him/get an apology from him, and then move forward in the relationship, you are really naive. That incident indicates a deeper character and life perspective that is totally incompatible with you and the type of intimacy you're capable of having with someone. He isn't that someone. Other scenarios will play out that will be reminiscent of this situation. Don't waste your time to wait and see other issues crop up. This is the kind of thing that should put you at a distance from him to the point that you don't even feel any sort of codependency while telling him you aren't a match and are moving forward with your life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2010
Thu, 03-17-2011 - 1:57pm
Thanks chanadevorah. I kinda feel this way. But I also know that common-sense is NOT his strongsuit, with a lot of things. And apparently when I told him I didn't want him showing anyone, he thought I meant *that* specific picture. He really was very beat up about it, and I could tell he felt awful that he hurt me. But, my trust is still a bit broken, and I'm not sure whether or how to fix it.
Community Leader
Registered: 05-14-2001
Fri, 03-18-2011 - 12:19am

Welcome to the board, Just_wanna_be_me ~

You're going to hate my answer.

You've only been in the relationship for four months, this is still the very early stages of it.


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 03-18-2011 - 10:30am

Oh I remember the age of 3 as being very difficult w/ my son.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2010
Fri, 03-18-2011 - 10:46am
Thanks for your response. You certainly have some very valid points. I would like to say, that we have known each other since middle school, over 12 years. We grew apart a bit when I went to college and married, but we still kept in touch over the years, and just started seeing each other once my divorce was final. So yes, we've only been together a short amount of time, but we have been friends MUCH longer. The thing with the pics really surprised me, because I have never seen him do anything like that before with any other things, and I'm trying not to be naive, but he seemed genuinely remorseful that he'd done it. I was "covered up" in all of the pictures I ever sent him, but they were still provocative to the extent I wouldn't want them showing up on FB- although many people post much more revealing things on there than what I sent him. I'm still very distant with him right now, although he's bending over backward to try to make it right.
As far as the kid situation goes, I'm still very back and forth. Have I given him enough time to really even make a change? It is possible that is is just the "terrible threes" and it will pass, but I'm not sure I want to hang around long enough to find out. I am thinking that at the very least we should not get the kids together until/unless his son learns how to play nicely with my kids. I dunno. We have a big date planned next weekend, without kids, so I'll probably bring all of this up then.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2010
Fri, 03-18-2011 - 11:06am
He has his son every other week- Picks him up Friday afternoons, ex-wife picks him up the next Friday. He works nights, and has daycare during the day so he can sleep during the weeks that he has him. One week his ex had a funeral to plan, so he took his son on an off-week and didn't have daycare lined up, so I offered to watch his son that week. I also have babysat in instances when his mother had other plans. It has always been something I've offered to do, not anything he's asked of me. He's watched my kids on occasion as well, either to let me nap (my 9mo still wakes at night), or while I go for a job. We trade off like that. I really hope I just need to have a very serious talk with him, because I really think he just doesn't realize how much he actually lets slide. I know he knows he lets some things go, but I don't think he realizes how often he does it, For example, last night we braved going to a restaurant together. He had to use the restroom, and told his son to wait with me. Son immediately whined and shook his body (I call it the tantrum dance- not the throwing on the floor type of tantrum, but where he shakes his whole body, like he's jumping without his feet leaving the ground) "I wanna go with you." So bf said "alright, let's go then. I pointed out that he just threw a mini-fit and so he shouldn't let him go, bf says "he'll be fine." That's the type of thing that promotes his son's behavior.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Fri, 03-18-2011 - 11:11am

"Son immediately whined and shook his body"

I guess I don't see the big deal.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2010
Fri, 03-18-2011 - 11:23am
The big deal is that giving in to whining and throwing a mini-tantrum teaches his son that doing that will get him what he wants. That behavior is not appropriate and shouldn't be rewarded. I'm not saying he needed to discipline him for that little fit, but he shouldn't have given in because then the next time he says no, his son will do it again, and it will progressively get worse. That little fit itself isn't a big deal- he does MUCH worse than that. But giving into even that little amount of whine teaches him its ok.

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