Need advice - please help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2011
Need advice - please help.
6
Sat, 12-03-2011 - 11:49pm

Just to warn everyone : this will be a long post.

I have been in this relationship for the past 4 years. He was everything I'd ever looked for in a partner, and truly and honestly my best friend. We have always been, and still currently are, in a long distance relationship, as we go to school about 3 hours away from each other. The distance has never been a factor for either of us before. Despite the distance, in the beginning our sex life was thriving. About a year into our relationship, the sex stopped completely due to a medical condition of mine. He stuck with me through all of it, and about a year ago, I was fully healed. We began having sex again, although it was nowhere near the same and infrequent.

Around this time (approx. a year ago), I began noticing a difference in him. He eventually confided in me that he had been depressed for quite some time, unhappy with his life, unsure of his future, and had even been considering suicide. I persuaded him to start seeing a counselor and getting help. About 2 months after this break down, I woke up to a Facebook message from a female "friend" of his - saying that they had been sleeping together and she thought I should know. You can all understand my devastation and shock - I didn't believe it until I called to question him about it. He was more upset than I've ever seen him, and claimed that it was a drunken one night stand and thats why he hadn't told me. Since he had never been shady before, I believed him wholeheartedly, and was even relieved that this may have been the root of his depression. We both agreed to try to work it out. I decided to change my plans and move home for the summer to be closer to him and be there for him in his fragile mental state after I found a loaded gun in his glove box. I knew he needed all the support he could get.

About a month after being home, I hacked into his email account and found out he was still talking to and seeing her. He then confessed that it was not a one time thing, and that he would end it immediately. He said that he did care about her, but had never fallen out of love with me, and was only with her because of his confusion and unhappiness with his life. Terrified of what he might do otherwise, I agreed to stick it out for the summer. Not too long after this incident, I discovered that he was still talking to her. I immediately broke it off, as I could no longer deal with it. We were completely apart for about a month, the hardest month of my life, as I had truly lost my best friend.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Sun, 12-04-2011 - 2:02am

Ist problem is without complete trust it's hard to have a relationship, especially a long distance one where he is away and has the opportunity to cheat again. 2nd problem is that you can't blame insecurity or depression as an excuse for cheating, I really think you 2 would need some kind of couples counseling for you to get over his cheating and stay together.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2011
Sun, 12-04-2011 - 1:41pm
Eleanor- you are kind and gracious to put so much faith in this man. You are strong and resilient. Your BF sounds much weaker than you in everyway that is important to a relationship.

Peace is right- depression is not an excuse for cheating. Cheating takes a lot of time and energy to ensure the deception stays hidden. It requires constant lies, daily risks. To have a strong relationship, you should turn to each for your problems. You wouldn't run out and find some other guy would you?

Counseling is a good option for some. But even then, if he isn't completely honest in his sessions, even therapy can be a waste.

Once trust is lost it takes a long time to take back. Years. For him not to realize this speaks of his immaturity. You have every right to be paranoid and scared. It was his actions that caused these reactions in you, not the other way a round. He should be willing to do anything and everything you ask to ensure you feel safe and secure.

If he really felt so bad and guilty why didn't he tell you about his deception? Why did he not come to you directly and tell you what he did?

Trust is the foundation for every relationship. Your BF just ripped that out from beneath you aNd did it a long time ago without any thought to anyone but himself.

There have to be consequences for our bad choices. If we don't feel pain of some sort we won't learn. So far, he has treated you vry badly and his only consequence is therapy? He gets upset at you be ause you are fearful and u trustworthy? Are you certain he has cut off all ties with the OW?

The affair boards will give you great insight if you care to venture there. I found the wiki article entitled "how to rebuild your spouses trust after an affair" a real eye opener.

I hope that your journey ends with you being happy. I worry For you at this point because based on your post it seems he in undeserving of the love you have shown him. Please take care.
Community Leader
Registered: 05-14-2001
Mon, 12-05-2011 - 1:12am

Welcome to the board, Eleanor2284,


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
Mon, 12-05-2011 - 3:13pm

The scorpion asked

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2008
Fri, 12-09-2011 - 4:56pm
I am 26. My dad had affairs on my mom since I was 0-11 years old. She found out when I was 11 because she got an STD that was not her fault. My dad had to admit his affairs.

you had a medical condition that prevented you to have sex.
My mom worked full time to make minimum wage, paying off a house, raising me and my brother. She couldn't drive, so lugged 4 loads of groceries on Bart and cooked all our meals. While I did chores at age 5, my mother was TIRED. So THAT'S why she couldn't have sex. Is that mean, she doesn't love my dad or don't want to provide intimacy? NO!

You went to school 3 hours away, so you're ambitious. GOOD!
Sex is not the only pleasure in life...BUT it is important!

I am 26 and my parents are still married. They still live together and my brother and I moved out. I come one and visit sometimes.

My mom and I were having a conversation. She said, since I learned psychology in school, I can teach her things.

One thing I taught her was, ~ ~ ~ ~ "Never hold onto the past" ~ ~ ~ ~

She nodded and agreed until she burst into tears and screamed in sobs. My boyfriends never cheated on me. Maybe my casual dating guys did. But I never been cheated on.

I knew why my mom pushed my dad away. Not just by not being sexual...because emotional acceptance is MOST #1 important!!! She nagged and criticized too much.

I know what my dad did wrong, so I never committed to guys who cheat.

So...I am 26. For 15 years..going...my dad is faithful. My mom still holds onto that hurt.

~ ~ ~ ~ IF YOU WANT TO STAY WITH YOUR BOYFRIEND, ACCEPT HIS PAST AFFAIR. ACCEPT IT HAPPENED. WORK ON KEEPING HIM, INSTEAD OF FEARING HIM LEAVING. AND MAKING YOUR FEARS REALITY ~ ~ ~ ~

1) emotional acceptance (tell him, you love him, appreciate him and his good qualities)
2) affection/sexual needs (what you CAN do)
3) support him in his goals, passions (validate who he is and learn to like things he likes even if you don't)

I have a wonderful, supportive, faithful boyfriend now. I've learned my relationship skills through therapy, psychology and self help books.

I would teach my mom the skills I have. but she's mentally ill now. She's crying, yelling and talking about herself. I tell her, it hurts to see her sad...I cry. I try to teach her to be better. She can't hear me talk. She only hears the voice in her head

IF you accept his affair, do YOUR roles as a girlfriend, and he won't play his, then let him go!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2008
Fri, 12-09-2011 - 5:06pm
Punishment? Yes...he deserves it. He needs to endure the consequences. And that is to see and hear how hurt you are.

"Yes...you're sorry, you were depressed. But his cheating made you feel less attractive, not needed and not wanted."

When he did ___, it made you feel ____.

if he loves you, he would be sorry and hurt after you say how you FEEL. If he doesn't, let him go!

What was missing in the relationship that he had to look for it elsewhere? Can this be repaired? OR is he just weak/insecure (that nothing will make him secure)?