Need advice....BADLY

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2004
Need advice....BADLY
18
Sat, 05-28-2005 - 1:36am

HI....

A bit of history here. I have been seperated for over a year, and just recently started seeing a great guy. He knows Im still technically married, but the divorce should be final soon, and that my soon to be ex and I live apart. My ex doesnt want the divorce and is trying everything he can to stop it. Anyway, I have been seeing this guy for awhile and were perfect together and have been taking things nice and slow, and its been fantastic. We both have been hurt before, and our BIG on being upfront and honest.

Well, it turns out my soon to be ex looked him up online through yahoo messenger and told him that were still married and still living together and trying to work it out. NOT TRUE!!!! I got ahold of my guy after I heard what happened and he said "Its okay, all is fine, relax, and we will talk more, and said he would talk to me later that night".It's been days. Why say that and disappear. Said that my husbands call caught him off guard is all. My ex even wrote him and apologized for all he said. That was cool I thought. But when I looked up his profile on yahoo he mentioned that " Single, not looking.... I have been single just over a year, might as well make it 2 years" but he didnt know I saw it, and now today, he completely erased the entire profile, and hasnt called or written, and he has everyday since we met. What am I to make of this???? Why say all is cool if it isnt? What is up with this? Im lost!!!!

Any advice would be greatly appreciated!
Thanks!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 05-28-2005 - 1:50am

Hi Chunkagunk, welcome to the board.


I have to apologize, I'm a little unclear about several things in your post, and I'm sorry, but I'll need your help in understanding. You said your boyfriend told you everything was fine, then disappeared for days, but then it sounds like you talked to him. Does that mean he disappeared but now is back and in contact with you again? If so, have you asked him why he vanished, talked to him about it all? If he's not back, then I guess I need a whole 'nother explanation! When you talked about the Yahoo profile, I assume it was your boyfriend's, not your STBX's, right? You said the profile said " Single, not looking.... I have been single just over a year, might as well make it 2 years". Since the two of you have only been dating a short time, I don't get what significance this would have to your relationship at all, it sounds like it's referring to the fact that for all practical purposes he was alone for a year before he was actually single (I assume he was married or in a long term relationship at that time). I also assume the profile didn't say that before? Have you talked to him since he vanished or is he still gone?




~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown














"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2004
Sat, 05-28-2005 - 1:56am
Hi... he hasnt contacted me. He told me all is okay, and not to worry about it and we would talk more. He said my soon to be ex's call just caught him off guard. Havent heard from him since. The day fater he said that he changed his yahoo profile to say "single a year, might as well make it two" it wasnt on there the previous day. I tried calling yesterday but he didnt anwser. What should or can I do?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 05-28-2005 - 2:06am

How long had you guys been dating? How long has it been since all this happened, how long since you've been in contact?





~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown














"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2004
Sat, 05-28-2005 - 2:55am
We have been dating about 2 months almost. This all happened Tuesday night and I havent heard form him since. I called, he didnt anwser, but he was probably working, and I left an email. Still nothing, and everyday up until this occured he has called me at least once a day. Ironically this past Sunday he told me he loved me for the first time, and that he has never had so much with someone in his life ever. WHy say is all okay, and now gone?
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2002
Sat, 05-28-2005 - 2:59am

Hi, I hardly ever give advise anymore and only have been getting some and lots of it.

~Live to be happy~Be happy to live~

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sat, 05-28-2005 - 10:24am

It is hard to know what he's thinking since he won't talk to you. If I were you, I would send him an email that you won't force it, your STBX isn't in the same place you are emotionally and he was trying to hurt you by damaging this relationship and that you hope he doesn't succeed. Tell him that you will give him some space and you hope that when he feels ready, he will at least call you to talk.

That is really all you can do. You can't force him to call you or to keep seeing you. He may not want that kind of drama in his life, and he probably knows that if your STBX wants to cause drama he can. This is a decision that he has to make, and if he decides not to pursue the relationship with you, then you are stuck with his decision.

I would also say that any relationship can fizzle and die at the two month point, divorce or not, recent expressions of love or not. This might have less to do with you than you think. Giving your heart is always a risk, and it could be that he is still in too much pain from his past relationships to take this kind of risk right now.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 05-28-2005 - 4:07pm

Sorry for dropping out last night, bed called. And I'm sorry for having to ask more questions in that second response, I should have asked them the first time, they were really important in putting it all in perspective and having a good understanding of your situation. Thanks for helping us out with your explanations.


I think it's pretty safe to assume that regardless of what he said, your STBX's messages did indeed affect him. It nay have been that in the beginning it really did seem like no big deal, or at least something he'd be able to shake off quickly, but with time it proved to be a bigger deal to him than he'd originally thought. That's what I'm betting. The other possibility is that what you're seeing is typical action for him -- getting busy or wanting a break and dropping clear out of sight for a while without so much as a notification to you. He wouldn't be the first guy to do that. If that's the case, you're seeing something that will repeat and I doubt it's something you'd be willing to accept in a relationship, I know I wouldn't, it's rude, disrespectful and uncaring.


Firstamendment's right, two months is a very short amount of time to be in a relationship, it's very possible that the relationship simply wasn't one that could last. I know that's not what you want to hear, but for the first six months of a relationship you're pretty much learning very basic things about each other, and the basics are what determines whether the relationship should continue or not. Up until a year you still don't know all that you need to know to determine if this other person is someone that you want to continue with and step the relationship up with. I have to say, saying I love you at the two months stage is pretty scary. No one knows enough about the other person to feel real love, what you're feeling at that stage is chemical and while it feels really, really good it ain't love. I'd be leery of any guy that made those kinds of statements to me at that stage of the game, I'd see it as a warning rather than a positive.


In your position, I'd do the same thing Firstamendment suggested. Even though you've left a voice mail and an email message (so he clearly knows you're trying to contact him) I'd leave one more short -- really short -- message saying something like "Since I haven't heard from you in four days and you didn't respond to my messages I'm assuming you've rethought the relationship and are avoiding me rather than telling me. If you want to talk to me, you'll have to make the contact, this is my last message to you. I also think that whatever the reason is behind what he's doing, he's showing you an important part of him. He ditches and avoids rather than confronting problems, if he's decided to end the relationship he hasn't even given you the courtesy or manned up to tell you himself. If he needs time to think things through, the same thing applies, he hasn't given you the courtesy of understanding what's going on, just leaving you cold, wondering what the hell is going on is not okay. Whatever the reason (unless he's lying in a ditch somewhere) it's a very bad character flaw that would have me walking away. No one deserves that kind of disrespectful treatment. This is lousy, I'm sorry it's happening to you. Let us know what happens, okay?




~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown














"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2004
Sat, 05-28-2005 - 11:30pm

well.. he finally wrote me this today....WHatcha think?

Dina,

I don't have time to write much right now and it's also painful to type (broke two fingers yesterday). I've been really buisy and doing some thinking. I do want to talk to you and will do so very soon.

Talk to ya soon,

Nick

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 05-29-2005 - 3:24am

I think he's trying to use broken fingers as an excuse for not having contacted you (which doesn't really fly since he broke them yesterday -- that doesn't explain why he dropped off the face of the earth Tuesday through Thursday, and besides that, he can type without using those two, he did it in emailing you today! and he's still fully capable of dialing a phone) or he's leading with that hoping to get your sympathy and concern on that and off the fact that he's been MIA. He's subtly playing the excuse card by mentioning he's been "really busy" too. Like I said before, if that's true, he's not saying very good things about himself if he just drops out of sight when he gets busy. I think what he wants to talk to you about is your relationship and/or the whole STBX thing and I think that's the real reason behind his disappearing act. His note sounded like more like "don't call me, I'll call you" than anything else, but since I don't know how he usually talks, that might be a complete misread.


Regardless of how this goes, I think either completely abandoning the who Yahoo IM/profile thing would be a good idea, or at least change your IM nic and don't let your STBX know what your new nic is. I'd also suggest not adding a profile, but if you feel like you have to, make sure it's vague enough that you STBX can't recognize it as definitely you.

What do you think about all this? How are you feeling about it all? Anxious, worried, mad or what?




~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown














"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2005
Sun, 05-29-2005 - 7:00am
What if you were in this situation and the situation was reversed? What would you do if you were dating a guy and his STBX got a hold of your phone number and called you out of the blue and told you they were still living together and still working on things? How would you feel and what would you do? Wouldn't your first question be, how did she have access to his computer to get personal info in the first place? Would you continue dating a man who either gives his ex unrestricted access to his computer or who's ex has crossed a major line and somehow got into his computer through breaking into his place or something like that?

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