Need help on boyfriend issues!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2006
Need help on boyfriend issues!!
26
Sun, 11-12-2006 - 3:14am
My boyfriend and I have been dating for five years. Well, we did have a break inbetween when we first started off in college. Well he decided to ask me back out. This time around was much better than the first time. I guess it was the time apart, not too sure. We did see each other from time to time. We stayed friends. Or should I say he had to crawl back to me because he couldn't stand being away from me. Well, to tell you the truth we became what is known as "sex buddies". Anyhow, we are together and I was excited when he asked me again. This time around I had recieved a promise ring.
So, now since he is working at his second job full time and quit the other place, things have changed a bit. At first it was fine. Now since he took a different shift he has been different himself. We don't spend anytime together. He basically goes to work at 5:30am, comes home around 6:30pm sometimes 7pm or later. And then if he gets a fire call, bam, out the door he goes in a flash. Well what I am trying to get at here, is I never see him and it hurts, it frustrating. He never tries or so it seems. We got into a fight today over it again. I told him how I felt and he yelled at me. I told him to just go to bed because he was falling asleep anyhow and the fight progressed. Heck, we don't even have sex anymore. I want it, we talk about it through text but then he comes home and does his uasul routine. Eats, and then sleeps. When I go into the room to try and spend time together for a bit he comes into the living room and then a long time later he comes into the room gets ready for bed and then lies down. Within 2 minutes he is passed out. I then tell him bye and he goes where are you going. I tell him on the comp. And then that's when he assumes I am going to leave him for some guy. No I come on here because I am bored and have nothing better to do. I am not about to stay in the bedroom to talk to the wall. LOL. If you ask me that's not right or fun for that matter.
Well, I am so sorry that it is this long. I hope someone can help me onto what to think or what to say. It upsets me because I don't get to see him. Maybe some advice. I want it to work out with him. I love him and I am proud at what he does. I am in fear everyday but I love him to death. We even talk about marriage from time to time. But staying in a relationship with no contact is hard. We only talk time to time through text but it's not much. It's just the quick I love you or I miss you text.
So please someone help me!!!!!
Mandi

~*Mandi*~

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 11-14-2006 - 3:03am
You aren't being bashed. I'm trying to understand your problem, but the problem has changed and the issues have gotten much larger. A response to an issue about a guy who's spending more time at work and with friends than his girl is much different than addressing the issue of a guy who made these changes when his parents divorced, is hiding, trying to prove something and wants to be very different from his father.


I can't offer suggestions or help until I understand the problem, and as it stands, what I know is this is a big issue that I know nothing about. If you don't want to go into it, that's fine, but you won't find suggestions that make sense in addressing your situation until the situation is understood.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

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"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2006
Tue, 11-14-2006 - 3:15am
Because he does spend his time at work, sleeping and at the firehall. His attitude changed when his parents split up. He is only 20 years old. But he says he knows he wants to be with me. I've stated in the first place we took a break. Well he couldn't bear to be away from me. And every girl he tried to date he kept looking for someone like me, so he decided he truly was in love with me and still is. He never stopped. He hates his dad because his dad cheated on his mom. His dad is a low life scum. Never did anything and never was around. He will never forgive his dad. Yeah he talks to him time to time about the firehall but that is about it. No one at the firehall likes his dad neither because he wasnt as active so that's why he is always on every firecall he can get to which I don't mind. Like I stated I push him out the door more than half the time to go on calls. He hides because like every guy I bet he is afraid of commitment. Though, he tells me different you can tell. He says he tries to be with me, but I am lucky if I see him 10 mins. in a week. I guess I am just going to have to get used to that fact. It hurts but oh well. Yeah I know we are going to argue again about it because this was the second time since his rotation changed. I guess you can say I am nervous too when he is out there. I am in fear every day because him being a paramedic and firefighter. I don't want to leave him. I can tell you that much. And he knows that he don't see me often. Because it's weird. He just text me telling me that and that he loves me and misses me. Sorry about that. I am just ticked I guess you can say and I assumed that you were bashing me because it sounds like I am changing my answers, but I am not. I am not thinking while typing. Just typing what's on my mind and what could be the problem. trying to figure it out myself as I sit here. Sorry!
Mandi

~*Mandi*~

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 11-14-2006 - 4:01am
There's a whole lot that I'm going to say that you're not going to like. I'll venture a guess that you're not going to like anything I'm going to say.


Your age -- you're 21, he's 20. You've been together for five years. Neither of you are done growing, done maturing, done changing. You won't be for another five to ten years. The chances of the person who is perfect for you at 20 or 21 being right for you at 25 or 30 are pretty slim. I know he says he loves you and I'm sure he means it. I'm sure you love him just as much. That won't stop the changes from happening in each of you. The growing, the changing, the maturing is why the divorce rates for people who marry at your age are astronomical; because who's right for you now isn't who's right for you when you mature into the adult you're going to be. I know you don't believe what I've said applies to you. None of us did at your age.


Whether your boyfriend is avoiding you because he's afraid of commitment (he should be afraid of commitment at this age and so should you), because he's enthralled with the fire station, because he chooses to be with his friends over you, because he's trying to hide from his own personal problems or any other reason, the fact remains that he's doing what he chooses. If he's choosing to hang out at the fire station then go out with buddies while you stay home he's very clearly telling you that you come last to him. Great that he texts that he loves and misses you, but words are cheap and easy. Action is where the proof is. He can tell you he loves you all he wants, but if he chooses to stay away when he could choose to be with you his actions clearly tell you what his choice is. If he's hanging out because he's avoiding his own emotional problems rather than dealing with them (sounds like a therapist is in order), he's choosing how he deals with the issues and as long as he choose to deal with them this way, nothing's going to change. You have no reason to believe he'll ever choose to deal with them differently, many never do. All you can expect is that things will continue to go exactly as they are.


You can't change him, you can only change yourself. It sounds like you're suggesting that his EMT work is very important to him in not being like his father and in getting positive strokes from people who assure him he's not like his father. That's all great, and perhaps is important to him, but that doesn't solve his problem, and it certainly doesn't solve or address your problem. Your problem is that he's never home. Understanding his need won't change anything, neither will supporting his work. What he's doing and why isn't important. You - your wants and your needs are the issue. You're focusing on his needs, who's focusing on yours? Who's concerned about what you want and need? Who'd working toward your happiness? Certainly not him, he's focusing on himself. That's something you need to take a good hard look at. You can't make yourself happy by immersing yourself in his life, encouraging and backing him. Relationships are 50-50. You have to get what you need too, and you're not.


You're 21 years old. You're alone, you're lonely and you never get to see your boyfriend because he chooses to do everything without you. Staying in a relationship where you count last makes no sense. You should count first in your relationships, always. You shouldn't have to ask, demand or beg. You should be first because your guy puts you first. If he doesn't the message is clear: You're not first, period. You can't blame his friends, the fire hall, his enthusiasm to be an EMT, or anything else, the blame lies squarely with him -- he's the one making the decision to leave you behind. You seem to think that being encouraging in his answering calls and being an EMT should merit you something, but it doesn't and it won't. You're not getting closer to him by doing this, he's not staying around you more. At the end of the day, you're still alone and he's still off doing what he chooses to do.

This is what a relationship with him is like. You can expect no more, nothing different. You can tell him you're unhappy and unsatisfied, but I'm guessing you already have. I'm also guessing he tells you he loves you, misses you, wishes he could be with you more, then it's back to the fire station, back out with his friends. If that's true, he's very clearly telling you with his actions what his choice is.

Why would you be satisfied with a relationship that you're alone in? Relationships are about being together. Texting, seeing him for a few minutes before he falls asleep isn't a relationship. It doesn't satisfy you and it shouldn't. If this is how you want the rest of your life to be like, then stay right where you are. But, if you aren't happy about this (and you wouldn't be posting if you were happy) then just like him, you're the only one who can decide what you'll do with yourself. It sounds like you want a regular, real relationship, not one that you're ignored in, alone in. Who wouldn't? I don't know anyone who would be satisfied in a relationship like you describe. I would suggest telling him this isn't enough for you and moving on. Perhaps one day he'll figure it out and want to be in a real relationship rather than have a girl at home. I guarantee that you'll find a guy -- plenty of guys -- who want to have a real relationship with you. I would suggest that since he's the only guy you've really been with, you have no idea how lacking this relationship really is or what a healthy, equal relationship is like. You're basing your feelings of how great this is with nothing to compare it to. A girl I know was in a relationship that she thought was wonderful, she thought the guy was great and their relationship was wonderful, but when she finally broke free after years in it, met and dated other guys, she was amazed to find that the relationship she'd thought was great was barely adequate in comparison. She was amazed how great real relationships were and how sadly lacking her old relationship had been.Once you see what a real relationship is like, I think you'll wonder why you ever considered settling for the little you got in this one.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

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"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 11-14-2006 - 4:08am
See:


The Truth About the Power of Love
Unmatched ambitions







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

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"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2006
Tue, 11-14-2006 - 4:19am
I've been in other relationships. I've been in them before him and inbetween, during our break. I went back to him because I didn't like the other men. I wanted Andy. I kept running to him because he was there when we were taking a break. I didn't like the fact that you called me immature for my relationship, or however you put it. I am more mature for my age than the average 21 year old. I had to mature at an early age because my family which I am not getting into. Andy matured himself too after his parents divorce. His parents only divorced 2 1/2 years ago. So I seen the before and after of him and during. I know he wants to be with me and especially for the rest of our lives because what he has done for me during the times we do see each other. And more so than often now he is not with his friends because his one friend just recently got married so we don't see or talk to them hardly like we used to. It used to be a hang out every friday night, then they got married july 1, 2006. Now it's different. He only sees his friend when he is at the firehall when there is a call. His wife don't let him do anything now. As Andy calls it he lives a sheltered life. I don't know. Andy gives me signals and such when we do get time that things are different. It's hard to explain. Plus, his family and mine as well want us to last and get married. They see how happy we are for each other. But I do understand where you are coming from. Except the age thing. Trust me I know about ages and such when it comes to relationships. You would be shocked what I experienced and went through.
Mandi

~*Mandi*~

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 11-14-2006 - 11:44am

Mandi, science has proven that the brain continues to develop until a person is between the ages of 25 and 30.








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2006
Tue, 11-14-2006 - 2:14pm
I am not avoiding anything. You have no idea what I had to do when I was younger therefore you have no idea how much I had to mature when I was younger which helps me now. A lot of people said I have the attitude of a 35 year old. They stated when I was younger that I was 7 turning 22. So don't say anything about age unless you know what happened in my past. I've even heard it from counselors. I had to go when I was a young kid because my father left my mom. I was not attached to Andy when we had our break. I seen him maybe once a month. I didn't like those guys because they weren't for me and what they did to me. I am not stating that because it's too horrible and personal to state on here. Basically I had to get the cops once. Put it that way. I didn't like their goals in life or how they treated me. They were rude and inconsiderate. When I had the friends with benefits with Andy I didn't care what happened between Andy and I. There was nothing there and I know that for a fact. I just did what ever and then went home with no worry at all. I am the one that went looking for the guys to try something new to get over Andy but it all came down to, Andy has always had respect for me and will be there if I really need him. My family and his sees what goes on. Andy and I work together to make it work. I am not staying in a relationship so he can change. I never ever try to make anyone change. If people want to change they do it on there own. Nope I think it's the age. At 20 guys are immature and don't think of the future whereas women think ahead.
Mandi

~*Mandi*~

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 11-14-2006 - 2:48pm
Best of luck, Sweetie.








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2006
Tue, 11-14-2006 - 3:03pm
Thanks. What you don't have anything else to say?
Mandi

~*Mandi*~

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 11-14-2006 - 3:28pm

Nope, nothing more to say.








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"