need help making sense of my life
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| Wed, 03-29-2006 - 1:55am |
So my story is confusing but i will try to make it as simple as possible.... About 4 months ago everything i thought i knew changed... It started when in the middle of moving to a new state i went to my hometown to visit family and i decided to look up old friend. we dated over 10 years ago but nothing serious and have been strictly very close platonic friends ever since. I really considered him one of my best friends. I will call him OS. One evening OS told me that he has always loved me. I was shocked i didnt believe him at 1st. I told him i was happily married (which I was at the time). We talked and decided that we would remain friends because he wanted me to be happy. In fact i was planning to return over the holidays to introduce him to my husband.
So soon after i moved to my new home several states away and waited for my H to join me (he is in the military). During the wait me and H got into increasing fights over everything...money, what home to rent, he accused me of cheating over a year ago (completley unfounded) Then one day my H called me a told me that he didnt think that we were compatible any more. I was completely blindsided. He stated his reasons as being among other things that i have not lost the weight i gained (15lbs), i wasnt a good housekeeper so we wouldnt be able to properly raise children, i waste all of our money, and he has had continuous doubts about my fidelity. Then he stated that he did not want to talk about it did not know when he would be moving in. he also decided that he was not planning on going with me to my families for holidays. so after deciding that working on our relationship was hopeless i went home alone... I spent Christmas and New years without my H. of course i had been talking to OS off and on so he knew what was going on. in the meantime OS had started dating someone pretty seriously.
Long story short one night i got really drunk out with OS his girlfriend and some friends...and when OS took me home I came on to him...pretty aggressively from what i am told because i truthfully do not remember much. Be the true friend that he is, OS turned me down stating that he wanted me to be sure of what i was doing. the next day when OS was telling me what i had done. i told him that i was now perfectly sober and sure of what i wanted. OS and I got a chance to be alone together twice before i left and it was really nice.
But eventually i had to return to my new home, new job and old H. When i returned H & I fought everytime we talked and ignored each other the rest of the time. I was really hurt I found out that he had spent Christmas in another city at a hotel. He said alone but i doubt it. I also found a condom in his closet (not used) that moved to his jeans and then dissapeared. We have slept in separate beds for the past 3 months and i was so depressed i entered counseling. H also refused marriage couseling or reading self help books
I still talk to OS but not as often and our conversations have returned to safe topics. i feel that he is waiting to see what happens. OS is still dating his girlfriend but says it is not serious although they live together. My H has recently started to try and rebuild the relatiosnhip. He says i am to blame for the fight lasting so long, because he has apoligized but i refuse to let go. i say it is hard to act like normal when i dont feel that way and pretending seems so fake. We even slept in the same bed for about 4-5 days until we had sex. I cried afterwards. I tried to explain that it feels as if we will just pretend that there is no problem but it will still be there underneath everything.
So i guess i am looking for understanding and someone to help me make sense out of all my feelings. Should i try harder to work things out with H? How do i stop thinking about OS and what could have been? Still could be? Was it fate that OS decided to tell me his feelings literally weeks before my H lost his mind? Would i be more willing to work things out with H if i hadnt spent the time with OS? Is it possible to love two men that are completely opposites? I feel as if i have to choose between two roads each with pros and cons but very different. Any suggestions? I hope my ramblings make since.
Thanks for listening

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cl 2nd life
Thanks for responding... Yes now I know... and I dont really need anymore to make my decision. But I know that he will try to say it only happened with that one girl... But that is not true... because the girl i talked to on IM was in another country were we were stationed before.. The condom just dissapeared 3 weeks ago... Since then i have found more information that leads me to believe it was probably more than just 3 women and probably has been going on the whole time we were living apart maybe before. I want him to know that I know everything... because i really might have been able to forgive him it it was just one affair with someone he really had feelings for etc. But I will not be married to someone who makes a habit of commiting adultry. and i dont want to even waste my time listening to him trying to convince me otherwise.
I am staying in the house mainly because i have no where to go... We moved here because of the military and i have no family in this state. I am in a job that is a year contract and just started in Jan. so dont really have much saved up... I dont mind staying in the house with him.. I still love him and enjoy his company at times... but we are never intimate (although he would like it) and we sleep in seperate rooms. I am planning to finish my contract and start a new life. maybe someday we could be friends but we wont be married.
manwil
imasillynut
Yes i was able to get into his email abcounts but not muchin there... some women in his contact list that i have never heard of though... I am still monitoring them to see if any new evidence becomes available. I have gone through the computers files and actually found his back up file from his pal pilot which has ALOT of womens numbers in it. I am planning to call them all eventually but not until i am ready for him to find out.
Yes we live in a not fault state so this isnt for the court procedings but mainly for myself and so he can see there is no use in lying to me anymore.. also because he is in the military if things get really ugly i could take the information to his higher ups.. but that woudl be the very lst resort because the military is very serious about these things and he coudl get demoted, lose money etc.
I am planning to consult with a lawyer very soon to help me draw up the separation agreements.
And you are right it shouldn't have happened like this. It shouldnt have happend at all. But i am thankful that we dont have kids yet so that they arent suffering also.
manwil
Such a doughwad. Do these men in the military really not think that they will get reported to higer ups? I'm glad that you won't be doing it to get him in trouble because you can, but only as a "last resort".
Jen
A couple of links on the Domestic Abuse Board’s Homepage that might be helpful to you. You didn't indicate abuse, but I browse their site a lot for helpful links for those who are in abusive situations and I remembered that there are a few links that might be helpful to you: Military Family Resource Center (this was less helpful, but there are a lot of links and a lot of information, and I have to admit I didn't spend a lot of time looking)
Military Divorce Online
Do what you feel is right, Manwil, just be sure that if it starts to feel like it's doing more damage than good, it's time to stop. How's your support network in real life? Do you have plenty of people you can talk to about this?
Huge hugs ~ stay strong!
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
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