Need help w/ husband/child/food problem

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2006
Need help w/ husband/child/food problem
12
Fri, 06-02-2006 - 5:54pm

This is long. Sorry! But I am in some pretty serious need of some advice on how to handle a situation with my rigid, obsessive husband who's self-imposed food restrictions are starting to have an impact on our child and I'm concerned that this is laying the groundwork for an eating disorder for her.

My husband has a somewhat obsessive personality. To put it lightly. He focuses in one one subject and it becomes his passion. His obsession. Over the past 17 years his 'passions' have changed once in awhile, but much of his daily life revolves around his passion for religion, especially Judaism (although he is NOT Jewish. He's a Christian...kind of a Messianic Christian if that makes any sense at all), his distrust of the government and the AMA, and his distrust in any food item that isn't totally natural.
For the past couple of years my husband has talked pretty incessantly about Hydrogenated Vegetable Oils and how bad they are. He reads the label of every single box or can, and actually disdains anything that is in a package because 'you never know what's really in it.' He has given me such crap about occasionally (we're talking once a year) buying a bag of potato chips that I have thrown away the bag, unopened. He won't eat food if I have defrosted it in the microwave or used the microwave in its preparation if he realizes it. He won't allow fat free anything into the house. He also rants on and on about how fast food joints put 'plastic' cheese on burgers and I don't dare buy anything with an artificial sweetener or flavoring because he'll go on and on and on and ....well, you get the point.
Last year he read that avocados were great for lowering your cholesterol. So now he cuts up an avocado and has it on the table for every meal. And he became concerned about his blood presssure so he cut way way down on salt. And now he talks incessantly about how 'everything is sooooooo salty' and how bad it is.
And for the past 6 months or so he has cut pork out of his diet. This isn't necessarily due to health reasons, but because the Old Testament says so. I made chicken apple sausages one evening...wouldn't eat 'em because he thought perhaps they were made with pork casings. He eats as kosher as possible, according to his own sort of bastardized version of what is and isn't appropriate in the Old Testament. For example, it doesn't really bother him to mix dairy & meat products. But now he won't touch pork.
Personally, I think this pork thing is ridiculous. I think he has a tendency to take everything to the extreme, and I've grown terribly tired of listening to him go on and on.
However, the meat of the issue is that we have an 8 year old daughter who adores her father. She believes everything he says. She's built just like him. Tall and very lean. She used to be a very adventurous eater. She'd try anything. Oysters, caviar, escargot. Bring it on. But now she reads the label of every single ounce of food she's given to see if contains transfats. I have seen her give away an entire sack lunch provided during a school field trip because the chips and cookies had transfats and the sandwich was made on white bread. Her friend's parents have told me that Sophia has refused to eat food at their homes because she was offered something that she thought might contain an ingredient that her father would disapprove of. She won't eat cupcakes at school birthday parties because she's afraid of what might be in it. My daughter would rather go hungry than eat something that she thinks her father might disapprove of.
Last week she refused to eat a salad with crumbled bacon because she's afraid that her father will be angry with her if he finds out. She started crying and became anxious when she saw that I was frustrated because her diet is becoming further restricted due to his influence. She's also afraid to eat anything with salt in it (like popcorn).
Several months ago when I saw my daughter giving away her lunch, I confronted my husband and basically demanded a compromise. I wanted us to present a united front to our daughter and to agree (as far as she knew) that while we should always make healthy choices in the home and at the supermarket, that when she is at school or at friend's houses, to graciously accept whatever food she is given. I wanted my husband to acknowledge that transfats aren't necessarily 'good' for you, but to eat something with it once inawhile isn't going to kill you. He gave in and we did tell her this. but apparently he went back to her later when I wasn't around and told her that he REALLY did not want her to eat foods that he disapproves of, and now the problem is getting worse.

Anyone have any suggestions on how to deal with this? Another place you want to refer me to that might be able to better help me deal with this problem? He acts as if I don't care about our daughter because I'm not as rigid as he is about diet. I believe that by being SO restrictive, he's setting her up for problems.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Mon, 06-05-2006 - 7:18pm

I don't think you can blame the others for their approach, you painted the picture of a serious situation with a very bleak outcome. They were simply responding to the situation as you described it.

What you've said here sounds much more positive and hopeful, that you're approaching it aggressively. I hope change occurs quickly for your duaghter's sake.

Even so, you've said you've been checked out of the marriage for the last three years, and that's not a good place for you to be in. I hate to tell you, but living in a situation in which you aren't happy is giving your daughter a bad situation to pattern her own life after. I know you don't want to hear that. They learn what they live, growing up to mimic their parent's relationships. I hope you're giving her an example that mimics the life you want her to have.

I know you're trying to do the right thing and I don't mean to batter you. Best of luck, I hope your choices are what's best for your daughter and yourself, I really do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-06-2006 - 1:01am

For what it's worth, Mom_inlimbo, I agree with Lurkerdelux. There are some pretty contradicting statements in your posts. I do think that taking the step to no longer pretend everything's fine is a good, healthy step to make, and I think it will lead to resolution, one way or another.


I'm sorry you find yourself dealing with this. Let us know how it goes, okay?







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"

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