Need honest opinions please...am I being selfish?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2003
Need honest opinions please...am I being selfish?
9
Sat, 01-15-2011 - 9:52pm

I am here to get some honest opinions regarding the amount of time to spend with in-laws.

Mocha
Community Leader
Registered: 05-14-2001

Welcome to the board, Mochadelicious ~

Question for you, you said *some* relatives go back to your MIL's house after church, do the same group go every time or do some go sometimes and not go others?

No, I don't think you're being selfish and quite honestly, spending basically the whole day once a week with the inlaws would be much too much for me.


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2010
I agree with 2nd_life. You aren't being selfish. And your husband shouldn't be putting you on the spot like that, making the situation seem like a "my family and I against you" scenario. The two of you should be a team, and it should be YOU that he sticks by at those times. I understand once and a while staying for a full day each week, but church + lunch should suffice for most of the time (or even just church). You guys probably spend more time with your MIL than other members of his family. So instead of being ungrateful, your MIL should appreciate the effort you put in, and respect your boundaries and decisions. If you have other stuff going on, if you know your time can be spent better doing other things (other than sitting around uncomfortably), then you should be able to leave, and she shouldn't guilt trip you. It's disrespectful and manipulative.

I think you should speak with you husband alone, before next saturday, and explain how you feel like he doesn't have your back during these times, and tell him basically what you told us about feeling awkward at times, and bring up also the fact that you don't spend as much time with your parents.

I think if he jumps on board and starts taking your side on saturdays, rather than question you in front of his family, you won't be alienated, and I think he mom will back down some.

Good luck!
Community Leader
Registered: 05-14-2001

I actually think she might get a lot of disapproval and resistance from her husband and her MIL, after all this practice is a 16-year long tradition.


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2008

Hi Mocha,

It sounds like guilt tripping is a big thing in your husband's family.

"The key to good decision making is not knowledge. It is understanding."
Malcolm Gladwell Blink

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

It does sound kind of ridiculous that you are staying after lunch & just sitting around watching people sleep.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2003

Thanks for all your responses.

Mocha
Community Leader
Registered: 05-14-2001

I'll bet it doesn't go smoothly too, but that doesn't make it any more right that you spend every Saturday at your MIL's.


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009

I agree with 2nd_life... It probably won't go smoothly at first but if it's what you need to do, taking two cars makes sense.

I suggest having something planned (even if it's trivial, like doing laundry) so you can excuse yourself to go home. If it were me I'd say something like "well it seems like things are winding down a bit and I have some things that need my attention at home, so I'm going to take off, but it was nice seeing everyone and I'm looking forward to next week"

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Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010

dragowoman