Need to Know If I am Wrong

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2006
Need to Know If I am Wrong
16
Tue, 09-05-2006 - 6:19pm
My husband is a computer repair person. When the company has items and parts
that they no longer need, they let him take them home to do what he wishes.
Sometimes he refurbishes and sometimes he sells the parts as is. I do all
of the foot work, writing up the items, packing, shipping, banking, answering
e-mails, etc. He has his own bank account and the money that comes in from
these sales is supposed to go into his account. Well lately we have
fallen short on cash and I pay all the bils, etc. I used a few thousand
dollars without advising him to pay for school, doctor visits, car payments
and sometimes even food, with the intention of putting it back. Well today
he checked his balance and saw that he was short. He blew up at me, telling
me I am "stealing from him", he can't trust me, things like that. I admit I
am not a good money manager, but when you need things, such as food, you'll
do what you have to. I told him today that we needed the money for necessities, not luxuries. I am a very frugal person when it comes to myself. I do not get
expensive haircuts and color my own hair. I buy my clothes in either Sears,
Target or Kohls'. He on the other hand thinks nothing of getting himself
a $75 shirt of $80 designer tie. He even had his teeth withened which was
expensive. I have never once told him not to spend the money, but sometimes
in the past when I have asked him for money from this account, he always
says things like "I give you my whole paycheck and you want more" or "stop
spending my money", so I stopped asking and just used it for necessities.
I have always felt like I walk on eggshells when I am around him.
I work also, 2 part time jobs to help with expenses and there is not one
dime left over for me to being extravagant and he doesn't offer any of "his
money" to me to be. He is so angry that he mentioned "divorce" today. Do you
think I was wrong in what I did or he is wrong, or both? Give me some
opinions cause I am at a loss as to what to do. He is not home from work yet and
I do not know where this will go when he gets home. Thanks.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2003
Tue, 09-05-2006 - 6:25pm
I don't think it's fair for him to decide some of the money brought into the home is his only while you are unable to pay household bills. You are partners and one should not live by a different standard than the other...and what you were paying for was for him also, not just frivilous things for yourself . But, I do think it would have been better to have made that clear before taking the money that he had come to assume was his only. If he doesn't like how you handle the money, then give him the responsibility to pay the bills. Good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2006
Tue, 09-05-2006 - 6:37pm
I have said that in the past, that money brought in is combined
money, I don't put any money aside for myself, even if I wanted
to there is none to put aside. After paying bills, etc. there
is no money for "just whatever" and he uses that money for "just
whatever", but when you need money to meet your monthly expenses,
you should be able to use what money there is. I know I should
have alerted him to this before I used it, but I am tired of
hearing him say the things he says.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Tue, 09-05-2006 - 7:40pm

As with most relationship problems, you both play a part into it, IMHO.

::YOU::I used a few thousand dollars without advising him to pay for school, doctor visits, car payments and sometimes even food, with the intention of putting it back. Well today he checked his balance and saw that he was short. He blew up at me, telling me I am "stealing from him", he can't trust me, things like that.

Yes, if you are spending money in the thousands,(whether it is in his account or yours or a joint account) without any discussions with you husband, that would be considered 'wrong' by most, I believe. Especially if this money was really used for necessities, then that would mean that you have serious financial issues as a couple and the two of you are unable to even disucss those issues. This is something that the two of you should be on the same page about.

If I found myself in his situation, I would have reacted in a similar way. Yes, you damaged the trust he has with you by doing this. If you don't take responsibility and ownership for what you did wrong, then I doubt I'd be able to have hope that I could once again begin to trust you. I'm not making any judgements about how you spend money or what you spend it on or the issues the two of you have that lead up to this situation...I'm just saying, as you mentioned in your post, that you used the money, without advising him. The justification that you had the intention of putting it back is just that ...a really bad justification (similar to what many thiefs and embezzlers will say when they get caught stealing).

With that said, you've found yourself in this situation because the two of you clearly have issues related to how you handle your families finances. Your feeling that you walk on eggshells, etc are all signs of serious relationship issues, for which you both could probably benefit by getting some outside help with a counselor to work though together.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-05-2006 - 11:48pm
Riat, I agree with Iled2. I would have the same reaction as he did upon learning what he learned. I think you were completely wrong to have taken the money without first discussing it with him. In truth, you did do exactly what he accused you of and he has every right to trust you less than he did before, you did this behind his back. That being said, I think there is probably a lot more to this situation than we understand. I have some questions that may change a lot of the way I'm thinking:


  • If you do all the leg work on this computer parts sales/refurbishing "hobby", why does all the money go to him to use as he likes? It seems to me you're doing as much if not more work than he on the "hobby", why aren't you getting any benefits from the deal?


  • If you're and admittedly "not a good money manager", why did he hand the financial end of it over to you? That doesn't make sense. It also doesn't make sense that you'd manage the household finances. Why do you?


  • It sounds like he's completely unaware of how much it costs to run a family. Have you ever handed the bill-paying over to him and had him do all the shopping with you so he has an accurate idea of what his "whole paycheck" is going for?


  • You say you always have to walk on eggshells around him. I have a feeling you have more problems than just money issues in your marriage, right? What has you walking on eggshells? What else does he blow up about and why?


    The answers to those questions will help me understand your situation a lot better and I think may result in a completely different response than the ones you've received so far.







  • ~ cl-2nd_life

    "Experience is what you get
    when you don't get what you want."

    ~ Author unknown








    "Ignoring the facts
    does not change the facts"
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 09-05-2006
    Wed, 09-06-2006 - 8:54am

    cl-2nd_life, here are my answers to your questions to give you a little
    background.

    1) If you do all the leg work on this computer parts sales/refurbishing "hobby", why does all the money go to him to use as he likes? He just sees it as extra money he brings in so it is his. I am doing most of the work in this respect. He has only shipped out an item once or twice. I am the one standing in line at the post office, packing the
    items, etc. etc. When I do ask for extra money the answer on occasion has been "I give you my whole pay check and you want more" or "stop spending my money".

    2) If you're and admittedly "not a good money manager", why did he hand the financial end of it over to you? He has me to do it because he does not want to. He does not want the responsibility. Other than him going to work full time he has no "actual resonsibilities".

    3) It sounds like he's completely unaware of how much it costs to run a family. Have you ever handed the bill-paying over to him and had him do all the shopping with you so he has an accurate idea of what his "whole paycheck" is going for? He is completely unaware of what and how much it takes to run the household and when I try to give him
    a run down of how much things cost his answer is "I don't want to know". With that said, most of the things I do I don't even tell him. He doesn't even know how much the phone bill is.

    4) You say you always have to walk on eggshells around him. I have a feeling you have more problems than just money issues in your marriage, right? What has you walking on eggshells? What else does he blow up about and why? You never know when you're gonna say
    the wrong thing to him and he is very very sensitive. For instance, we were recently at a friends house and he acting like a baby saying "I want.........." I think he expected me to get it for him and my answer was "so go get it yourself" or something to that affect. Well, it escalated and we had some words and finally he stood up at the table and yelled at me to "f**k off" in front of everyone. I was literally mortified. Then later on when we got home he said that I provoked him. This is about the third or fourth time in the last two to three years that he has been that way and it is always in front of people. When I tell him he has no respect for me his answer is "you and this respect thing".

    I hope you now have a clearer picture as to what I am dealing with. Also, he uses the
    extra money mostly for personal things. He has extravant taste and we cannot afford
    these items with just our regular paychecks. He will spend $70 on his haircut, $80 on a shirt, $200 shoes, the list goes on. He even had his teeth whitened, while I still need
    a cap on a tooth that recently broke off and cannot afford my portion of the payment yet.

    Even in the past when he has done an actual side job for a company at $800 a shot. He put
    that money into his account. He feels that his paycheck should be it.

    iVillage Member
    Registered: 03-26-2003
    Thu, 09-07-2006 - 12:10am
    Riat, it sounds like he gets all the perks and you get all the work and worry. Kind of like he's a teenager with no responsibility (yet with ability to incur debt and make financial choices) while you have the job of making it all work and all the responsibility. Great that he "doesn't want to know" about how much it costs to keep the household running, but that's not reality and I'll bet you'd just as soon not know either. It shouldn't be an option, it should be part of his responsibility as a partner to work with you to make it work. It sounds like you're in a no-win situation; you catch hell if you don't make ends meet, but since he refuses to be aware of the reality of the costs, he really has no idea whether there's enough money to make it work. He reminds me of my ex-husband, I used to liken him to "a 12-year old with a checking account and a drivers license". He did whatever he wanted, I took care of things. And when ends didn't meet (usually because of expense he'd incurred or money he'd taken from the account without regard to us) he went ballistic.


    So why do you do the leg work on this extra stuff if there's nothing in it for you? Why not tell him if it's his baby, he can take care of it? And more to the point, why isn't' this a partnership where you both reap rewards for the extra money that you're both working to receive? Why does he think he's entitled to expensive things while you have the bare necessities and go without? By saying work is his only responsibility, I take it you do all the housework, shopping and cooking? It sounds more like lord and master vs. slave than husband wife or partnership. If what I'm seeing is accurate, how long has it been this way and why do you accept it? When he says he "doesn't want to know" about expenses, have you flat out told him he needs to be aware and insisted he sit down and work on bills with you, do grocery shopping with you, etc. so he is fully aware of costs? When you say you can't afford to fix your tooth, I get the impression that your paychecks go for the household and things like haircuts and dental costs are "extras" that are the responsibility of each person to pay for individually, is that right?


    Obviously, his blow up was not acceptable, but I have a hard time thinking you're walking on egg shells when he blows up three or four times in the last two years. What goes on that has you walking eggshells?








    ~ cl-2nd_life

    "Experience is what you get
    when you don't get what you want."

    ~ Author unknown








    "Ignoring the facts
    does not change the facts"
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 05-14-2006
    Thu, 09-07-2006 - 12:16am

    You two have very different ideas of what the roles are in this relationship. He thinks his job is to make that paycheck and give it to you and that is it. He has no interest in changing this view and if you pressure him he tells you how he feels (FXXK off).

    He does not want to change, is cavalier and condescending regarding these differences, and he is not going to change. Hoping he will or trying to make him will do nothing but continue to frustrate you. IMO You have to decide if you want to put up with this or find someone that shares your views regarding the roles of partners in a relationship.

    Some hard realities here that are not going away. P.

     

    iVillage Member
    Registered: 12-31-2004
    Thu, 09-07-2006 - 12:41pm

    if he chooses to remove himself from dealing with or knowing the realities of the money expenditures in your household, then he looses the right to criticize you for how you spend the money.

    iVillage Member
    Registered: 12-31-2004
    Thu, 09-07-2006 - 12:54pm

    you are married to a bully who is verbally and emotionally abusive to you. He has no clue as to respect and it's quite clear he has an obvious contempt for you--for whatever reason.

    iVillage Member
    Registered: 12-16-2003
    Thu, 09-07-2006 - 9:34pm

    Riat, I agree that your husband is spoiled, selfish, and abusive. He does not have the right to claim money for himself when you are unable to pay the FAMILY's expenses. You should not have to ask his permission to pay expenses. As partners, you should be living the same standard. Also, since you are contributing to the money gained from the side work, you are intitled to some of it if it is to be claimed individually.

    You are not his slave, unpaid bookkeeper, unpaid babysitter, unpaid maid, unpaid battering ram. He needs to step up, take some responsiblity, show some respect, make a more equitable contribution, and support your efforts, or hit the road!! Stand your ground, and demand he grow up or get out. You obviously aren't any better off with him around.

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