Need to Know If I am Wrong

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2006
Need to Know If I am Wrong
16
Tue, 09-05-2006 - 6:19pm
My husband is a computer repair person. When the company has items and parts
that they no longer need, they let him take them home to do what he wishes.
Sometimes he refurbishes and sometimes he sells the parts as is. I do all
of the foot work, writing up the items, packing, shipping, banking, answering
e-mails, etc. He has his own bank account and the money that comes in from
these sales is supposed to go into his account. Well lately we have
fallen short on cash and I pay all the bils, etc. I used a few thousand
dollars without advising him to pay for school, doctor visits, car payments
and sometimes even food, with the intention of putting it back. Well today
he checked his balance and saw that he was short. He blew up at me, telling
me I am "stealing from him", he can't trust me, things like that. I admit I
am not a good money manager, but when you need things, such as food, you'll
do what you have to. I told him today that we needed the money for necessities, not luxuries. I am a very frugal person when it comes to myself. I do not get
expensive haircuts and color my own hair. I buy my clothes in either Sears,
Target or Kohls'. He on the other hand thinks nothing of getting himself
a $75 shirt of $80 designer tie. He even had his teeth withened which was
expensive. I have never once told him not to spend the money, but sometimes
in the past when I have asked him for money from this account, he always
says things like "I give you my whole paycheck and you want more" or "stop
spending my money", so I stopped asking and just used it for necessities.
I have always felt like I walk on eggshells when I am around him.
I work also, 2 part time jobs to help with expenses and there is not one
dime left over for me to being extravagant and he doesn't offer any of "his
money" to me to be. He is so angry that he mentioned "divorce" today. Do you
think I was wrong in what I did or he is wrong, or both? Give me some
opinions cause I am at a loss as to what to do. He is not home from work yet and
I do not know where this will go when he gets home. Thanks.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2006
Fri, 09-08-2006 - 12:10pm
I think that yall are married therefore that makes it yalls money not his not yours. You need to tell him that he said I do for you not I do for myself
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 09-08-2006 - 11:57pm
Are you still there, Riat2006? How are things going? What do you think?








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2006
Sat, 09-09-2006 - 8:37am

cl-2nd_life, yes it does sound like he gets all the perks and you get all the work and worry. I always kind of felt like he never really matured to age level. He pretty much has no responsibility here, except the trash twice a week which takes 5 minutes. When I ask him to do things around the house his first response is "no". I would love to be him for a short while and not know the "going's on" of the house and sleet at night with no worries. He did come home from work the other night and apologized for getting so mad, he said it's just money. He said he was sorry for the things he said. I was happy that he apologized and thought that maybe he thought the whole thing over and realized the extent of the situation.

So why do you do the leg work on this extra stuff if there's nothing in it for you? From here on I will do all the leg work still, but have decided when I need money I am going to ask him and the first time he says no, then I will turn the whole thing over to him to handle. Why does he think he's entitled to expensive things while you have the bare necessities and go without? He will tell me to go get myself something nice, but he feels i should use the household money, which there isn't any. By saying work is his only responsibility, I take it you do all the housework, shopping and cooking? I do it all, housework, shopping, cooking, etc. and he will complain at times about the messy house or the dog hair and it makes me angry.

If what I'm seeing is accurate, how long has it been this way and why do you accept it? This pretty much has been going on for a while, but at first the kids were small and I didn't work, so it was fine, I had the time. But now that I am working part time, it's getting a little overwhelming and he doesn't seem to see that, even when I tell him.

Yes, my paychecks do go to the household for expenses, I don't keep anything from it for myself.

As far as the walking on eggshells, he is a very very sensitive person. You can't say anything to him negative without him getting defensive. He is a talker, talks almost non-stop, where as on the other hand, I don't talk a lot at all. Part of that reason is because the things I will say he gets mad at. He is like a child sometimes. He cannot take criticism well at all, while he expects me to take it when he says things to me.
He will say he is just being honest and cares about me.

He did do something last night that just reiterated his selfishness. I am going to a niece's baby shower out of state in a few weeks. My 16 year old was invited and at first I said I would bring her, but then I thought it over, its a 3 hour car ride and there is
no one else her age that will be there. I am traveling in the car with other women in my family. When I told him last night that I was not bringing her, he got annoyed and said something to the affect that "did you ever think that I might want to do something that day and now I have the kids to worry about". Not his exact words, but the jist of it. I answered "you will still have your son". His answer was "yeah, but I could have gotten someone to watch him". Why the hell should someone watch your son. You should be the one to do it. I knew if I said that he would have blown up so I didn't say anything. He tells me "you and that respect thing" but last night he said I had no respect for him if I make decisions that would concern him, i.e., leaving the kids with him. I said "what, did you expect me not to go to the shower because you might want to do something". Last month he took his mom to a family party out of state and the kids did not want to go so they stayed home with me. Not only did I not do anything that day myself, but he took the car as well. I didn't see anything wrong with that just as I don't see anything wrong with what I am doing about the shower. It's a double standard and if I mention this to me he will says it's different, you don't do anything else but stay home. This is what I deal with on a day to day basis with him. He has so much "personal free time" that it's ridiculous. Sorry this is so long.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2004
Sat, 09-09-2006 - 1:49pm
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-11-2006 - 3:07am
Riat, your post wasn't too long, no need for apologies. Your marriage is no partnership, but you know that. You have all the work, worry and responsibility and he has all the luxury. In a partnership, he would want you to have as much as he has and he would want to shoulder his share (that means half) of the work. Taking care of children is not an inconvenience, it would be his job and responsibility; just as it is yours. He would share the money he thinks is his because your married and the money each of you gets is "community money", for both to enjoy. Not only that, but you do a lot of work that makes it possible for this money to be possible. Even when you were not working, you were entitled to just as much of "his" money as he was, you had a job in the household and you were doing it, you are all working for the common good. His job was to bring home a paycheck, yours was to raise the children and keep up the home. There is nothing right or fair about your arrangement, back then or now.


Of course, you're going to do what you think is right, but if it were me, I would refuse to help in any way with his side business until I received half the monetary benefit for it. That is fair. Nothing else is. Right now you are an unappreciated and unconsidered wife as well as unpaid labor.


You should be angry about more than him complaining about the mess and dog hair, you should be angry that your marriage is one-sided and that you have all the work in this "partnership". You should be angry that you work AND have all the responsibility and work at home while somehow, that doesn't apply to him.


Honestly? I suspect he's more than "sensitive", in fact, everything you've said shows him to be completely insensitive. I don't think he yells because he's sensitive to criticism, I think he yells because he's indignant that you'd dare to criticize him; I think he thinks he's pretty darned entitled to do whatever he wants, whereas you're only entitled to do what he says you can do. Like a king is entitled to more than a slave.


I'd really like you to take a look at these articles and tell me what you think:

Signs of Potential Abuse: Need to Know
Traits of an Abusive Personality
Know What Domestic Violence Is
Power and Control
Extensive DV Checklist
Brainwashing
More on Brainwashing
General Characteristics of Verbal Abuse
The Power of Verbal Abusers Reality
Common Characteristics (Victim/Abuser)
The Mind of an Abuser
Is Your Relationship Healthy?

Let me know, okay?








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 09-11-2006 - 9:28am

I just want to let you know that I agree with what the cl has said as assessment of everything. (((Hugs))) to you.

Jen

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