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| Thu, 05-25-2006 - 9:24pm |
Hello!!
I also would like some advice about my marriage.
First, I will introduce my story (make it as short as possible so I don't bore you)
I had been going out with my boyfriend for about 4 years, living together and everything. I had always been the kind of person to be scared of marriage and never crossed my mind to have babies. (My parents divorced ehen I was a toddler but it was a bit heavy for us later on in life)
In 2004 I got pregnant and we got married 5 months later.. I wasn't scared about it suprisingly. I had my baby and suffered from what I am sure of that it was post partum depression (It basically was triggered by a fight that I had with my father that I hadn's talked to in 7 years but b/c of baby's birth we started a """RELATIONSHIP""" but it didn't work...and also my husband had to quit his job)
It was hell for me for about 6 months he was so jumpy and of course I cried about everything!
I have the kind of personality that sometimes would say something that's bothering me (if it is right at the moment it's ocurring) and normally I just don't say anything not to cause an argument. I hate confrontations and arguments it's my worst characteristic.
I take things sooo personally and when my husband says anything to me I take it like a knife is going through my heart...
He is very reapetitive ...when he wants to explain something he says it like 3 times in different ways, when he is mad with something he complains about it more than 1 time, when he's mad at me he tells me what he thinks and doesn't stop for 20 minutes!!
I don't know if maybe I see things differently but as time passes by one finds out new things about your husband and that's what's happening to me and it's bothering me...
My problem is that I hate confrontations, specially with him beacause I know what will come: a non-stop repertoire with a particular tone of voice...It's like I am scared to confront him because I don't want to cause an argument....and I also hate any type of rejection...
Also I have always been "independent" money - wise and in a way relationship-wise I am starting to find out that maybe I don't accept the fact that I am married and that in a way we depend on each-other mentally and somehow physically to make the marriage work...as a team...maybe it's hard for me to accept that I need to make decisions with him instead of only making decisions myself (which is so much easier)
Anyways I would love to keep on but I have written too much already...I will write soon next time I post...
But anyways thanks for listening and if you ould give me some feedback I 'd appreciate it a lot!!! THANKS C

My boyfriend and I had the same problem, but in reverse. He wasn't used to confrontations and he tended to keep things that were bothering him to himself. I, on the other hand, came from a family where people were much more outspoken and argued a lot more, so when I would get upset at something, my immediate tendency was to want to pick a fight. When he wouldn't argue back, it would just make me that much more frustrated, and I would keep wanting to pick at him, I guess at some level trying to start something. I realized I was just being mean to him when I could be telling him things much more nicely, and he would still have listened and made an effort to change. I have since made more of an effort to keep his feelings in mind when I am discussing problems, and have gotten much better, although I'm not always as good as I should be. Meanwhile, he realized he really needs to speak and let me know when anything is bothering him so we can address the issue. I think both of us making those changes has really helped the communication in our relationship.
I think you and your husband need to do something similar. I would suggest trying to talk to him about it sometime when he is in a good mood. Hopefully your husband will really want to change when you bring things to his attention, and let him know how much this is hurting you. I know that there are some critical people like my mom who say that is just the way they are, and would never even care enough to want to TRY to change. If your husband is like that, then there may not be much you can do. But if your husband wants to make the effort to change, and if you're willing to do your part to speak up more, then things can improve. It's worth trying to talk to him about it and to see what he says anyway.
I think your sense of being overly independent will also improve when your communication issues improve. The reason people want to share their finances and their emotions and their lives in a good relationship is because they feel a connection of being teammates for life. When you don't communicate your concerns, or when you only communicate them by attacking one another and not thinking of each other's feelings in the middle of an argument then a wall of distance and resentment builds up, and you don't get that sense of connection that you should have.
Welcome to the board, Clauds2 ~
I do understand the changes that come with marriage and babies, but I'm also wondering to accept having to make decisions with him, and since the statement directly followed talking about being independent and wise with money I am assuming one of the focuses of your statement was money. What I don't understand is, if you lived together for four years, you certainly had to have found a way to agree on money. Why did your method of dealing with money have to change? And while I know that managing a baby is difficult and takes real work, I'm wondering why your decision making process had to change? If you lived together, I'm sure you didn't just both go your separate ways without regard to each other; I'm sure there was some balancing, arranging and agreeing. Why won't what worked before work now? Also, I'm wondering if these things that are bothering you about your husband are new behaviors he's picked up or if he's always been like this? Have the two of you had problems dealing with arguments all along or is this something new?
I have some ideas and thoughts, but need to hear your answers before I'll know if what I'm thinking might be helpful.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Thanks for the feedback!
The thing is that I have always paid for my things and we have in a way shared the housing expenses (he pays for electric and cable and I pay for some groceries and some baby's stuff he pays other half...and we both pay the nanny..half and half)
He was always the way I am describing to you but the differrence is that it didn't bother me so much before because I wasn't married and maybe uncounsciously I didn't feel that we were "one" ...as much as I feel it now that we have a baby (which is something that ties us forever and the fact of course that we are married).
So whatever behavior he had before gets to me much more now because I think "Oh, is he going to be like this forever...Will I get sick of this?, etc" (Before I did not think like that as much)
Also the money thing.....just so that you understand more or less the situation....
I didn't want to get into it because I fell a bit ashamed about it but I get like a trust fund dividend every month, it is a family thing and before I used to hate it...but since a couple of years ago I feel so lucky to have it.... and am not going to reject it....
I have a business and it's not going so well yet (I opened it 2 years ago) ....
I had an apartment in which we were goign to live in (he was ok about it) and at the end therre were problems moving in b/c there was a flood so I sold it and decided to buy a house...
Here's were my problem starts.....
We started to look at apts for rent but didn't find anything and I had always bothered my husband for a house, but he didn;t want to b/c it's a hassle to have a house,,,expenses, etc...
By coincidence we went to see a house that was at a good price and then we saw another one that was super cool and a good price as well....his face changed when he saw it and he was more open to the idea.....
So I told him I think I will make an offer and he agreed...anyways the point of it was that he waas open to the idea now so I in a way took advantage of that.
The house didn't go throug cause at the end I found out it had a public school in the back...
Anyways my mom saw another house and told me about it and I saw it and it was he perfect house....it was more expensive..but with what I get monthly I knew I could afford it (loan, taxes, etc...and my husband could help me with some things)
I would tell him here and there about the house nad we went to see it and he liked it a lot....
Then I told him I wanted to make an offer and he said really ? and said sure if ou want to>.(not in a bad tone or anyting)
I made the offer and they accepeted.
So now we are buying the hoouse and we have had a couple of fights about it that have left me without breath...
He says that we should have talked about it more, that even if I don't think that he minds about me being the wife and taking care of the expenses, he in fact does mind that "his wife supports him"...which is not true...i bought the house with the money that I got from the apt and I got a loan which I can pay ...the rest he can help me with...the electric he will pay, the cable, grocweries and baby stuff he will pay...he could help me with a portion of the taxes and insurance....
it could be done if you make the best out of it... but the times we had had these arguments he gets like obessesed with the conversation and doesn't stop and doesn't let me say my point...doesn't let meor I jsut dont' say anything...
He says that life is no t easy ...it is hard and this is not the way we will raise our daugheer...which of course I agree and when we have talked about it I tell him "don't worry I agree with you, I want our daughter to earn her money"
and he just keeps on saying "we will not raise her like that...we will not raie her like that"
I understand his side...we did things wrong...we should have sat down and talked about the house throughly..(and maybe it was my fault b/c I didn't want him to say no to me)
he is ok with me ...after these arguments (which have been before him going to work) he comes back t the house "perfectly fine with me" he is not pissed or mad....and then he doesn't bring it up anymore...
He talks about the house now..he didn;t mention it before...
Also I found out I am preganant last week and I almost had a nervous breakdown because apart from moving in 2 weeks we had planned a trip to his country (in europe) ...we have planned it for 6 monthes and I am just overwhelmed...... He wants to go of course but I just sdon't feel up to it...but maybe I feel guilty with all the things that have happened and want to in a way make it up to him by going...he tells me to take it a day at a time and we could make a descion later if we go or not...
Lastly, I amd moving my business to another location ......I know everything at the same time but it has come out to be like this..I feel like I could have handled this much more without being pregnant...Now I think the trip is too much! On a plane with my 1 year and 1/2 kid and feeling like throwing up!! I don't know if I could handle feeling sick all the time on a trip that's supposed to be a vacation!
Let me know what you think...and thanks in advance!!!
Clauds2 ~ Thanks for your explanation, it makes a big difference!
I need to mull over your situation. I'll be back when I've had some time to think about it, but it might be until tomorrow before I've hashed it all through.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
I'm sorry it took me so long to get back, weekends can get busy for me and this one has been no exception. I may not have been online, but I was thinking about what you posted.
It sounds like the issue isn't really so much that you're bothered by your husband's repetition (though that would get to me too!) as it is that the present pressures and stresses that you're going through are heightening how you feel about most everything; something that generally bothers you a little about him would now bother you a lot. And you've got a lot of pressures - baby, new struggling business, guilt (though I think it's misplaced) and turmoil with your husband. That's a lot to deal with. I may be wrong, but I have a feeling if some of these issues weren't pushing on you, you wouldn't be so bothered by your husband's mannerisms.
First of all, you have nothing to feel ashamed about in having a trust fund. You're lucky, very lucky to have it, it can assure that your future - and the future of your child - is secure. I don't care how you slice it, that can't be a bad thing. If you wanted to, you could put it all in the bank, invest it, or otherwise let it increase while you live on the funds you and your husband make. If you can't or don't want to, there's no shame in using it to help you today. Men's egos are typically very tied up in providing for their families and I can completely understand how your husband would have a hard time with your trust fund helping provide for you all. However, he had to have known about the trust fund before he married you, and had to know it would be involved.
As far as the house goes, you're feeling guilty for having gone forward with it, but you have no reason to feel that way, IMO. You asked, he gave you the go-ahead. Whether he meant it or not, thought better of it later, regretted it later or anything else isn't your fault and isn't your problem. If there's any "kicking yourself" to be done around here, it's him who should be kicking himself, not you. It's not your job to second guess him, assume he doesn't mean what he says or ask him 14 times if he *really* means it before going forward (and if you had to, it would say bad things about your relationship), it's his job to be honest and clear. He knew you had the funds to make the offer when he said go ahead, he had every reason to expect you'd do it. The fact that he's now having a hard time reconciling the purchase isn't your fault -- you are not to blame. This is his to wrestle with, not yours. What's done is done and you can't go back and rewrite the past.
What I do think I'm hearing is him voicing concern about making life look too easy for your child. If that's true, then he's saying that the trust fund is being used when it would be better for the two of you to be working harder on your own to make ends meet rather than relying on the trust fund. Since you feel guilty about it, maybe you agree? Or is it his attitude towards your trust fund that's caused you to feel guilt in the first place? I think it's time for the two of you to talk about finances, where the trust fund fits in, and agree on how/when/how much it will be used in your month-to-month lives. You could agree to bank it all and see how things go without using it at all, revisit your financial status on a monthly basis (or more often if necessary) to see how you're doing without it, and/or if some of it needs to be used to help you out. You might want to agree on a dollar amount that requires a formal talk before spending occurs in the future, that would make certain you're both on the same page before major spending occurs.
As far as him not mentioning issues after your fights and being "fine with you", I don't get the feeling that there's been real resolution, especially if you're arguing before he goes to work, it seems like the argument would have to have been cut short. I would really suggest letting him know that you expect and intend there to be more discussion on the matter, sit down with him and finish it up. You'll probably have to be the one to get it started, by reminding him of where you were in the discussion. Getting through it all is important. I know it's easy for it not to seem like such a big deal after some time's gone by, but if it's not been resolved, the next time you argue, this will come back up to the surface and he'll be upset about the new issue and this one. It's important to get the old problems resolved.
With the trip, I think you should tell him you're feeling, guilty, overwhelmed, what with the new pregnancy (congrats!), the baby, your business move and all. This should be something the two of you can work on together, he should be a source of support and understanding, do you think that's possible or do you think he'll just react badly? Men like to be in "help" situations, if you come to him with this as a problem, he's apt to want to help, and feel important and needed in the process.
What do you think?
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Thanks so much for yoru advice...
It has helped to see things in more prespecive.
The trust fund part- Yes he did know that I get an amount of money monthly and what he said when we had the argument was that he doesn't want our daughter to be like that and that he didn't want to be supported by his wife.
I have told him that our daughter will not be raised like that; she has to earn her living and be independent so she can make it on her own.
The part that he says tht I will support him is not true..Yes I have paid for the house and he will pay the electrcity, cable, 1/2 groceries. 1/2 nanny, an he can help with some of the taxes and some of the insurance...(it doesn't really mater how much, he can help with a portion)...Does this seem like he's being supported by me?
we have talked about the trip and I have said to him that I am overwhelmed and he was very suppportive....he said that if it wasn't possible to go, it's ok....we'll go in another time...but I feel guilty about that ( I can't help it)
ust so that you know a little about me...I started to have anxiety like 3-4 years ago and it comes an d goes at certain times of the year....I am controling it now more because I have read sbout it...
When he raises his voice I start to feel the anxiety, it's horrible, but then it goes away...
As I am reading this it looks like he's a mosnter that screams at me all the time...I am just writting the bad things to see if you could help me with them...
I take things so personally: example the other day he was reading something about interest rates of mortgages, and he said soemthing about that the worst thing is to get those interest only mortgages because when the interest only period finishes, you have to pay much higher interest.....
So I started feeling like hell...anxiety....b/c I knew what the next question would be "what tyoe of mortgage did you get?" And I saud interest only for 5 years..."Oh I think you should change it, but since you never ask me about these things......"
Anyways this is the type of thing that I am taling about that I need to overcome...it's like a fear of confrontation or something like that....When someone brings up a subject that I am trying to avoid b/c there's a possiblity it might turn into an argument..I feel this anxiety in the pit of my stomach...
And it's with everyone...(in my family) but mostly with my husband...because I start to think..I can't feel like this forever with him...I can't feel "afraid" about talking...
I hate confrontations!
Anyways this is one of the things that I find bother me the most because it could ruin the communication I have with my husband...
Thanks a lot for yoru feedback
Clauds2, do I understand correctly that you didn't used to have anxiety at all, but now you do? What about confrontation problems, have you always avoided dealing with situations that may become difficult, or is this somewhat new for you too? I do understand that you feel this way about confrontations with everyone, but I also wonder if part of the reason for your hesitation in dealing with situations is the way your husband reacts. What do you think? If you think that's possible, can you describe a typical incident and how he'd react?
From what you've said, it seems like besides the house, your trust fund pays for no more than a job would (you pay half from your paycheck, he pays half from his). I could understand though, how paying for the house could make him feel "supported by his wife". Is the fund also paying for the trip? If so, is he upset about that too?
Sorry to take so long to get back to you ~
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Hello
Do you mind one more POV from a "mostly lurker" on this board?
There are a couple of things that I see that *may* make your husband feel as if you are supporting him. Whether you are or not is a moot point - if that's how he feels and it's effecting your relationship, then that's something that the 2 of you should talk about.
In this post and in an earlier one, you say things like "I bought the house" or "I paid for the house", etc instead of "WE bought a house". Sure, the money may have come from you but that doesn't matter. Monies coming into the family for major purchased (such as a house) should be considered money for the whole family. Since he is paying the utilities, how would you feel if he said you were using *his* electric? I know you are only saying it here, but if so, then he probably senses things like that even if you don't outright say them. Would the house still *feel* the same to you (like your home) if he's the one that went out and just bought it with money that he brought into the family?
Also, with regard to him "giving you the OK" to buy the house and then saying you should have talked about it. I understand his POV on that. Saying "OK, let's put a bid in" doesn't mean go right over and do that (IMHO). I take it to mean "I like this house, let's sit down and figure out what we can afford, what the house is worth, and what type of mortgage/which mortgage company to use and then put in a bid". Couple you buying the house without really including him with him only paying for the other things can make him feel like a renter in his own home. (BTW - I'm not a financial analyst by any stretch of the imagination, but from my understanding you may want to look into refinancing. An interest only mortgage is just that - at the end of the 5 years you have not paid any of the principle, only interest. Those are good if you expect to either sell the house or if you expect the interest to drop significantly - which it doesn't appear as if either of those things are happening).
Jeff