need opinions

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2006
need opinions
14
Tue, 05-09-2006 - 9:05am

My BF and I have our anniversary in a couple of days.We are together 1 year.We are very passionate and love each other.From time to time he told me that when this special day would arrive he wanted to do sth special about it.Now he tells me to go celebrate another day because he wants to go hunting with his friend who can't join him another day...!Hunting is his big passion ,he goes 5days/week.Is it weird that I am disturbed by this fact?I told him and of course he volunteered to "sacrifice" hunting but now I don't want because I would prefer he had thought about it himself,especially that we discussed it all year round and very often the last month.He says that I am his first priority but sometimes he makes me feel that I am not important enough for him!When I tell him about it he laughs saying that I don't understand and that sometimes I create problems when they do not exist (this is true because sometimes I may make a scene because he didn't answer to my sms and other trivial things)because we love each other and have a great time together but he loves me and steps back...I know I am very insecure and he has told me too but at times I can't help feeling like he doesn't give a damn although deep deep inside I know he loves me perhaps more than I do.
Do you think I am not logical?Is there anything I can do to stop feeling this way and not create fake problems to our relationship?We discuss a lot and we always tell each other exactly what is in our minds that is why I feel that I trouble him with my own problems and insecurities because he is always willing to help me and discuss with me and although he is very calm I make him sad and upset at times with the problems I create or because of the problems I may have in my home or work and pass them to him beacause he really cares.

PS.we will go to dinner to celebrrate our anniversary,do you have any good idea to surprise him?Thanks

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: natalia115
Tue, 05-09-2006 - 11:21pm

Welcome to the board, Natalia115 ~


A couple of questions:
  • How old are you?
  • You said, "I may make a scene because he didn't answer to my sms and other trivial things", what's "sms"?


    I don't think it's weird that you're disturbed that he hunts five days a week, and I hunted with my dad a lot, and have always been around men who hunt; I have no problem with hunting, providing you're going to eat what you kill. Doing something five days a week is a lot, being that focused (obsessed) about hunting prey is a little disturbing, it's more than a little aggressive, it's over the top, IMO.


    I don't understand how you consider things that are issues and concerns for you, voicing your feelings, is "creating fake problems". If they're problems and concerns for you, they're problems, period. The fact that you believe he has deep love for you doesn't mean he makes you feel important or that his wants and needs for being together in a relationship match your wants and needs. And just because you want to be with him more doesn't mean you're wrong or that it's a "fake problem".


    You say you tell each other exactly what's on your minds, but then seem to beat yourself up for telling him exactly what's on your mind. What's up with that? Does he make you feel that what's on your mind isn't valid or that you're going overboard because what's on his mind doesn't match up? Do you feel that his way is "right and reasonable" and yours is more along the lines of the "hysterical female" stereotype? Why do you feel that your feelings aren't valid or as worthy as his?


    You mention being "very insecure". Why? What happened to make you insecure?


    I'll be checking back for your feedback ~








  • ~ cl-2nd_life

    "Experience is what you get
    when you don't get what you want."

    ~ Author unknown








    "Ignoring the facts
    does not change the facts"
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 10-13-2004
    In reply to: natalia115
    Wed, 05-10-2006 - 1:53am
    SMS is an acronym for Short Message Service. It's term we Aussies (and perhaps Brits) use when sending a text message from a cell phone.
    Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 01-07-2006
    In reply to: natalia115
    Wed, 05-10-2006 - 7:41am

    I always tell him what I think but sometimes I am hesitating or try to put it mildly because he tells me that I become tiring to him and I create problems when everything is fine.He is not always right when we argue but he always finds things to say to prove that he is right even though he is not!I really can't explain this ,I think he has charisma! Even when he is arguing with other people -even with some who are a lot more educated and clever than him - he is always very convincing even when he says that sth black is white!He leaves people speechless ,being trapped on their own words!

    The reason why I am so insecure is that he is really handsome and before me he dated really beautiful women(models,athletes etc) and at the first dates when we didn't love each other I was feeling a little bit bad because he looked at other provocative women and he told me that I was supposed to dress like that because I am pretty ,I have a nice body and he likes his girl to be very sexy and impressive.But I was feeling bad because I had seen some of his ex in pictures and they were really impressive .I am pretty and have a good slim body but I don't dress very sexy everyday-just my jeans- and I don't have big breasts to show off.So I wouldn't describe myself as impressive unless of course I have to go to a nightclub or sth like that .Now he never tells me things like that because our relationship has passed to another level.We love each other ,I have met his parents,he wants to marry me...But I am still insecure cause I know that lots of women (at the gym,at his work etc.) flirt him.Sometimes women stare and smile at him even if we are together.I can't understand how some women can be so very provocative.I know that one girls that he sees at the gym who were his ex and is a model asks him all the time about me and if we are happy together and she invites him home.(I know for sure that he has not cheated on me -at least so far) I almost forgot: I am 19 and he is 25

    iVillage Member
    Registered: 05-29-2003
    In reply to: natalia115
    Wed, 05-10-2006 - 8:38am

    He hunts FIVE DAYS A WEEK??

    When does he have time to work and earn a living?

    iVillage Member
    Registered: 01-07-2006
    In reply to: natalia115
    Wed, 05-10-2006 - 9:41am
    He lives with his parents.He has a part-time job for the time
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 03-25-2003
    In reply to: natalia115
    Wed, 05-10-2006 - 10:00am

    I am sorry Natalia.

    Peace,

    Di

    ***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***

     

    iVillage Member
    Registered: 01-07-2006
    In reply to: natalia115
    Wed, 05-10-2006 - 10:51am
    You are right about most of the things that you said.He is a narkissus and gives a lot of attention to appearance but he has now overcome the fact that I am modestly dressed.I am a lot worried about his professional future though.I would say that this is the part where I am superior than him and I have understood that he feels anxiety ,sadness and fear about this subject.I am going to be a lawyer and work in my father's office who is very successful.He always tells me that he is afraid I am going to dump him for someone more successful and richer than him .His fear and his anxiety as he is growing have given him motivation to search for a good job but unfortunately things are difficult as he has not high education.I love him and as far as the professional issue is concerned I am very worried about what is going to happen to him .
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 03-25-2003
    In reply to: natalia115
    Wed, 05-10-2006 - 11:11am

    But you shouldn't.

    Peace,

    Di

    ***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***

     

    iVillage Member
    Registered: 01-07-2006
    In reply to: natalia115
    Wed, 05-10-2006 - 11:50am

    You are right once more!Even if I didn't tell you ,it is true that he makes me feel guilty sometimes because he tells me that it wouldn't be right if I dumped him for a lawyer while he has spent 5years of his life loving me and being devoted to me!Now I know that "spent" sounds somehow bad but I know that he tells so in order to make me feel guilty and he doesn't really mean it.

    I have thought of this thing a lot of times mainly because my parents are very strict and they would make war at me if they knew that I found someone without education (that's why I have never told them anything about my relationship),also because of our social environment which it is very strict and comments all the time.Even my friends who are all 19years old say things behind my back that the feel pity for me because I don't have a rich BF from a good college but I don't care about the money.

    I am very sad because it would be very awful to dump him when I finish college for someone richer and more educated.It would be as if I use him,but I can't leave him now because I love him very much,he is such a good person,we have a great time together ,he loves me and emotionally I am very tied to him as he is the first man I have slept with.I know that love doesn't cover financial problems but I don't want to be greedy and prefer the money!

    iVillage Member
    Registered: 08-04-2003
    In reply to: natalia115
    Wed, 05-10-2006 - 12:25pm

    Have I got a book for you 'In Sheep's Clothing: Understanding and Dealing With Manipulative People' by George K. Simon.

    Manipulating someone or using guilt to get what they want (in your case, him trying to keep you) has NOTHING to do with love. He'll play the victim, manipulate you, make you feel guilty to get his way. If he LOVED you, he'd want you to be happy, even if that meant being without you.

    I highly recommend that book.


    Carrie

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