Need to share my thoughts...
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| Wed, 03-08-2006 - 7:58pm |
I went to see my doctor today to be tested for STD's. I am 50 years old. I am not a promiscuous woman. I felt I had a certain trust in my XBF and believed him when he said he would be monogamous. He maintained "nothing happened", but how can I be sure?
As I sat there waiting for the doctor, freezing in the little paper gown, listening to the paper crackle under me every time I shifted my weight, all I could think of was how unfair this all was. Once again, I am paying the price for his carelessness. My eyes filled with tears. I felt so alone, so isolated. I had a full pelvic exam, Pap smear, and a couple of other various swabs and samples. Blood was drawn.
It was a horrible experience. The doctor was great. She was very understanding and sympathetic. It was the purpose for which I was there.
I drove home slowly as I tried to put it into some kind of perspective. When I went in the house, I rolled up my sleeve to remove the band aid/cotton ball combo from my arm where they drew the blood. I looked at it for second and frowned. A brownish red spot sat neatly in the center of the cotton ball. When I first found out about the OW, I thought "I gave him everything I had except blood and it wasn’t enough." Well, now it felt like I had now given him that as well. I tossed it in the pail with total disgust.
It will be approximately five to seven days before I have the results. Five to seven days of wondering, worrying. Five to seven days of thinking that every little, minor vaginal itch is the start of something.
There's a loneliness that ensues in a situation like this. It's none like I've ever experienced in my life. Within a year and a half I lost my father, mother and husband. It was a very hard time to be sure. But people will rally behind you in that kind of situation bringing casseroles and Mass cards. They'll offer to walk your dog, mow the lawn and drive your kids. It isn't necessarily the gestures themselves, but the thought that's behind them.
There is no outpouring of support like that in this kind of situation. However, it is still a loss and there is a grieving process, but most people don't seem to recognize it as such.
I do think about him. I wonder if "he" feels any pain at all. I want him to miss me so bad. I want him to regret throwing our r'ship away. I want him to feel as bad as I do. I don't obsess about these things, but I do think about them.
I also miss him. I want to kick myself for even thinking it. I guess all I can do is just keep working towards the day when acceptance settles in for good. I hope it's soon.
I see my therapist tomorrow and it doesn't seem soon enough. I have been keeping notes on items I want to address with her. My doctor, at the suggestion of my therapist, started me on Lexapro. I hope it works.
Thank you for letting me share my thoughts.

I am so sorry for the losses you've suffered. It's just so much, and now this. You'd think you'd have paid your dues, you'd think this wouldn't be something you'd have to deal with. The saying, "Life isn't fair" fits, but dammit, fair or not fair, you've gone through enough, this just ain't right. Feeling like that is understandable and I think helpful for a time - and this is the time.
You're right that people are very supportive during loss through death but not so understanding or supportive through a break up or infidelity. While people aren't going to be coming out of the woodwork for you, and there will be no church service, I'm betting there are still plenty of friends who are more than willing to be a support to you. I don't know about you, but during break ups I tend to be focused on letting people know that I'm "fine" and when you tell them that, they believe it. If you tell them you're struggling, need a shoulder, an ear, or someone to help you make sure you get out and don't sit in a corner and hibernate, they'll be there for you; you just have to let them know what you want and need. That's my experience anyway. It also occurs to me (duh) that death or no death, you are dealing with grief, with all the usual stages: The 5 Stages of Grief
There's a book that might be good to read. I hesitate to suggest it because it's been a while since I've looked at it (I let a friend borrow it several years ago and never got it back). It was great for me, I loved it and found it very helpful, but it may be too silly for you at this stage of your life (not a slam, I'm 49 -- I'm not sure it would be appropriate for me anymore either). It's sarcastic, tongue-in-cheek and was great for letting me know that I wasn't alone in what I was going through or what I was feeling. I got a lot of second-hand satisfaction reading the revenge chapter too. It's “Exorcising Your Ex : How to Get Rid of the Demons of Relationships Past” by Elizabeth Kuster , you might see if your library has it or browse through it at a book store before deciding whether it's something you want to give a try.
Hoping you'll get past hurt and on to anger soon -- this guy deserves it, and so do you.
Huge hugs -- and glad your therapy appointment is tomorrow too. Be good to yourself, you deserve it, Luv.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Thank you 2nd life.
Your right. It all does seem so unfair...the deaths of my parents and husband and my XBF's infidelity. I do wonder sometimes when I'll catch a break.
I don't know if I've said this in a previous post or not, but I just wish he had just come to me and had either said he felt the r'ship wasn't working for him or came clean about the OW. Granted, I wasn't looking for things to end and I wouldn't have been "happy" about it no matter what, but it may have been easier to deal with. It's the deception that makes it all so bad, IMO.
<<...but during break ups I tend to be focused on letting people know that I'm "fine">>
I haven't even been able to do that. I have 2 very close friends that I've shared all this with, but other than that I can't bring myself to discuss it. Thankfully, most people I see daily don't ask.
Thank you too for the book suggestion. I'll definitely look for it. I'm happy to get any help I can.
Oh Luv, Although I'm a lurker, I've been keeping up with your situation. I'm so, so sorry you're going through this. Your story resonates with me, and I wanted to try to give you some support.
I had a break up that left me feeling much like you're feeling. My situation was much, much different, but the feelings are very similar.
I had a husband that I loved very much, but he and his family never accepted me for the person I am. Personally, I didn't care too much if his family liked me, but it became an issue because he would take their point of view and never was able to break away. I was the subject of much debate and criticism because I am an independent person and didn't want to spend all of my free time with my husband's family. We never had a weekend or vacation that we didn't spend with the family. He and I would make decisions on purchases and the family would veto it and my husband would go along with their wishes. They told him to quit his job, which he did without telling me, and I ended up supporting him and going into debt so he could start a career in Real Estate. He never made more than $8,000 in a year, but sure spent the money I made.
Anyway, long story short, in order to be what I thought was a good wife, I changed myself to get along. I did that for five years. I finally had enough when I became suicidal. It became a 'him or me' situation, and I know to this day that I made the right decision. I know that's nothing like what you're going through, but bear with me, I have a point.
My feelings after the breakup were of loss. Although I had to do what was healthy for me, I never stopped loving him or hoping we could work it out. He went right back into the bosom of his family and was only interested in working on things if I went back to the person I had become just to get along with him and his family. He had no interest in me as a person, and only wanted me to continue to support him.
It took a long time, but I finally realized that I would never get him to see what he gave up. He didn't have it in him to love the person I am, he was only able to love what fit in with his family and their view of the world. I knew I wasn't going to get that comfort from him, so I had to give it to myself.
And you know what? At first, I felt that I had nothing to hold on to. But slowly, over time, I realized that I had me. And that I could be proud of how I had acted in the marriage. I gave it 110%, and I did nothing to intentionally hurt him. I started focusing on MY values and MY actions instead of his. And I feel good, to this day, that I ACTED WITH HONOR throughout the entire marriage and the breakup.
I don't know if I can really explain it, but that little piece of self knowledge turned my entire life around. I realized that at the end of the day, all you can be proud of is yourself and your actions.
This was the greatest gift I could have given myself, and you can have it too, Luv. You didn't do anything to deserve this! You conducted yourself WITH HONOR. And you can be proud of the person you are. I know your EXBF cannot say the same.
You will feel better and go into the rest of your life knowing that you deserve the best!
And that will help you to attract relationships that will nuture you. (I know it's too soon to think about, but it will happen!)
It took me a long time to heal from my hurt. But now, I have a wonderful husband who loves me for me and who would never think of asking or pushing me to change. You can have that too, if that's what you want.
I'm glad you're talking to your friends, and I hope that as time goes on, you see what a gem you truly are. It comes through in your postings. You are a good person.
I'm sending lots of hugs your way. You hang in there!
Pamanani, I know your post is directed squarely at Luv, but I have to comment. What a great post and what an incredibly uplifting, positive thing to have come out of such a personal struggle. Thank you for posting such an incredible post.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"