Need some adive

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2005
Need some adive
2
Wed, 02-22-2006 - 9:55pm
Okay first let me give a little background. I am getting married June 17 to my high school sweet heart who I truly love with all of my heart. We have been living together for 14 months. So here is my problem.
With the wedding only 4 months away I am really starting to double think if I am ready for all of this. Yes I want to be “grown up” with a child to call my own. I want that more then anything. But now I have to sit back and think if I am doing it with the right man. Don’t get me wrong, I love my soon to be with all of my heart. But like tonight on the way home from pre-material counseling he said “if your f***** attitude doesn’t stop then I am not marrying you”! How can you say that to somebody that you love with all of your heart or somebody that you say that you love? I just don’t get it. Yes I get so mad at him sometimes but I would never say something like that to him. I think that a lot of my doubts come because of our fights yes. In couseling last week he couldn’t even think of one good quality that he liked about me. When I asked him about it he said because he is shy and doesn't like being put on the spot. (We are doing couseling with total strangers and that was our 1st night) The other couple had a hard time choosing one for each other. And here he is not even being able to pick out one. I don’t know listening to the other couple and seeing the love they have for each other just makes me jealous. My soon to be is like a big kid.
We fight about money all the time. But no means do I want to say that we are poor but there are times when we do have to live paycheck to paycheck. Not the best thing and I know that. But he has a lot of bills. ($1900 a month just himself) He likes to hang out with his friends and spend money and I get pissed becasue I know that we don't have it. I broke down every house bill last night and showed him where our money goes. And then tonight he asks for more money. Its like it just went in one ear and out the other. I know money problems are the biggest cause of fights for newlyweeds.
I guess that I just want to know if I am taking our problems to the extreme. I am also dealing with a lot of personal issues right now so its possible that I am just making things harder on myself
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Wed, 02-22-2006 - 10:59pm

message deleted by me.

I read cl 2nd life's advice and think that it makes a lot of sense.




Edited 2/23/2006 12:00 am ET by iv_aisha2004
Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 02-22-2006 - 11:42pm

Oh Stylishgurl, you are so right to have doubts -- DO NOT marry this man! Every one of your concerns is major and very, very valid. What you may not realize is that what you're living today is the best your relationship is going to get, when you get married there are more concerns and more pressures and anything that's a problem now will be incredibly amplified -- they will be sooo much worse. You think he's awful and ugly to you now? Just wait, he'll be worse. You think he can't think of anything to like about you now? Just wait, he won't be able to think of reasons he likes you, but he'll be able to give you a million reasons he hates and despises you. You think he's careless with money and causes you lots of bills? It won't end, it'll only get worse. You don't like that he hangs out with his friends? That's not going to change, he'll be out more. I'd tell you he's acting immature and isn't ready for marriage, but the truth is it's much worse than that. Marrying this guy would result in you being miserable for the rest of your life. Seriously. It would be the biggest mistake of your life. You've identified very real and valid reasons to seriously think that this is not the right relationship for you and your feelings are right, this is not the right place for you. You want to be an adult with a child? Do you want to be sitting at home with a child and a husband who screams at you, spends the money, hates, despises you, and is never home? Is that the kind of life you want to raise a child in? Is this your picture of a good, happy, healthy marriage or relationship? Is this what you see when you picture your ideal relationship?


Pre-marriage counseling is designed to help you see whether this is the right decision for you to make, and it seems to be helping you see clearly what needs to happen. Please don't marry this guy, you will regret it. Honestly, from what you've described I am seriously concerned that this relationship will be come abusive, if it isn't already; he shows all the signs. This is serious, please, please leave him. You know your gut is telling you that's the right thing to do, listen to it; your gut will not steer you wrong.

Do yourself a favor and respost your post on the Dealing With Domestic Abuse board to see what they think. I have a feeling they'll see a lot of danger and a lot of reasons for you to step away from this relationship. Check it out for your sake and for the sake of your future, Stylish. I'm truly concerned.








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown



Edited 2/22/2006 11:45 pm ET by cl-2nd_life








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"