Need Some Advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2009
Need Some Advice
11
Fri, 05-27-2011 - 1:41am

I'm 22 years old and so is my husband. We have been married for almost two years and have an 18 month old daughter. He is a Cook at a nursing home type place two days a week and I work as a nanny. My hours vary weekly, but I'm part time as well. I go to school full time online, take care of our home, and our daughter.

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Community Leader
Registered: 05-14-2001
Fri, 05-27-2011 - 1:51am

Welcome to the board, Nutmeg4189 ~

You may not like what I have to say because my first thought is why would you want to stay married to him?

Let me see...he works two days a week, does NOTHING around the house, doesn't look for jobs when he's not employed, takes classes that don't help him then fails because he doesn't do homework or tests and had a cyber affair.


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2009
Fri, 05-27-2011 - 2:11am
I don't mind you being straight forward! Please do. I really need advice.

We had the talk last Saturday night. So, a week tomorrow. Sunday his sister took us to a baseball game we'd been planning and then he worked Monday and Tuesday. So far I've seen barely any improvement. I just yelled at him again because he hasn't done anything today. I feel like such a horrible nag all the time. We were supposed to have a counseling session last night but it got cancelled due to the weather. We live near the tornado weather. I was so looking forward to it and ever since she called I've just had this huge disappointed and defeated feeling. I know we will have an appointment next week but I really needed to see her and try to get her to knock some sense into him.

As far as the relationship he had ... He doesn't think it's an affair because he didn't ever talk to her about sex. I told him it's still an emotional affair whether they talked about them having sex or not. He told her about our sex life and intimate details of our lives and she did the same with him. He said he was eternally sorry and he downs know what he was thinking and blah blah blah. I really just don't trust him at all. Again I feel like the bad guy because now I check our phone history ever couple days to make sure he isnt doing anything. This is the big issue that got us into counseling, because all of my trust is gone.

You asked why I want to be married to him and the answer is a couple things. He is my best friend. I'm angry and hurt and betrayed right now, but my husband truly is my best friend. He is the person I want by my side for everything, so it's hard to walk away from that. Secondly I am the hold of a divorced family that was very ugly and I wan to know that if my husband I do end up divorced I did everything possible to prevent my daughter from having divorced parents.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Fri, 05-27-2011 - 2:31am

I agree with 2nd life. He says "he can't change overnite"

Community Leader
Registered: 05-14-2001
Fri, 05-27-2011 - 2:39am

So this infidelity is another thing he doesn't take responsibility for (therefore you have no reason to think he won't repeat it) and you've seen no improvement.


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Fri, 05-27-2011 - 9:31am

To put it bluntly, because I know of no other way, you simply married the wrong person.

He will always be the father of your daughter and maybe at some point you can be friends in that context, but he's not a good partner for you. He's cheating after only two years of marriage.

Divorce doesn't have to be ugly. Sometimes it can be the best thing. You're only 22, this is a lot to commit to for the next what, sixty or seventy years of your life? Marriages like this don't get better.

Sadly, you knew about a lot of this before you married him. Not the cheating of course... But the fact that he has no ambition was not a surprise to you. Honestly, that is a HUGE incompatibility... 20 years old is very young to marry. You weren't even fully into adulthood yet, and at 20, you have so much to learn about yourself and what you want from a partner.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 05-27-2011 - 12:05pm

I am guessing from your time line that you got married when you did because you were pregnant?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Fri, 05-27-2011 - 12:06pm
I am sorry you are so stressed and going through this mess.

I am sorry to say that I also don't have a very happy outlook for you.

A lot of us have been where you are to some degree. I also had a man-child of an ex. Yet somehow I overlooked that he never made over $10k/yr all the years I've known him, his apartment was a mess and didn't know how to cook diddly. He was my best friend too. However, he doesn't make a good life partner. This continued well until he was 33 (when I divorced him). Man-children don't really grow up, not even when they have to.

Most 20 year old don't know what they want to do in life, which direction. Yes, some of us go with the flow and go to college like we think we're supposed to because at least we're doing something for our future. Sure college is not for everyone, but he's not even trying to be an adult in any way.

I say go to your mom's house, get counseling alone without him. You're so young, I don't see him changing for the better - at least enough to be a real partner for you.

I read a tone of books on marriages and how to make marriage work. I tried tons of stuff in the books, positive reinforcement, nothing really ever stuck. We were just incompatible at the very core.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2009
Fri, 05-27-2011 - 1:38pm

We got engaged in December of 2008 and I got pregnant in March of 2009. We were already planning our wedding, and the pregnancy was an accident, but not the end of the world because we were already getting married. I would never have gotten married just because I was pregnant.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Fri, 05-27-2011 - 3:08pm

It's all good that he is cleaning the house today, BUT the thing is, is he doing it to pacify you, or do you think he realizes he needs to make a genuine change?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Fri, 05-27-2011 - 3:11pm

"I feel like some of you are just telling me to cut my losses and leave? Maybe I'm being naive or childish but I think that I owe it to myself and my daughter to give my husband the chance to work through his problems with me and this professional we have started going to."

I think that is because we have already been where you are, tried the counseling, the different techniques, positive reinforcement all that jazz, and got no where.

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