Need some advice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2005
Need some advice.
37
Sun, 07-02-2006 - 11:32pm
Ok, I need some advice. My husband and I have been married for almost a year now. We couldn't afford much in terms of an engagement ring for me when we got married. Well, I would like a new one now and he is upset because he thinks that I think the first one "isn't good enough". That is honestly not the case. I thought we had an agreement that we would get me something a little nicer when we could afford to do so (and I remember talking about it).Should I just give up on getting a new ring or should I persist on the topic? I really don't want to hurt his feelings and I don't want to sound selfish, but I don't think I should have to wear the same ring my whole life when we can afford to get something else. Any advice would be helpful.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 07-03-2006 - 12:17am

Ooooh, I'm betting you're going to get a lot of very different responses to this one!


Ten years ago I would have told you that it's not about the ring, it's about the marriage, the relationship, etc. I probably would have told you that I thought you should be happy with what you have. But, I don't feel that way any more. When I married my first husband my ring was very small and I always really wished it were more than it was. We divorced (a good thing) and years later I remarried. Being divorced himself, my then-fiance, now-husband wasn't in a position to pay for a big ring. We agreed at the time to get something small and buy something bigger when we could afford it. When his mother heard he was planning to propose she asked him to use her mother's wedding set, which he did, so buying anything was no longer an issue. So here I sit with Grandma's ring, which is even smaller than my first one - lol! I felt guilty for even wanting to replace it, after all, it was his Grandmother's, but we agreed that it would be replaced by something of our choosing when we could afford it. My daughter will be college-bound in a few years, so it will be some time before spending money on something like that is doable, but when the time comes, it'll be done. I know the ring is a symbol of your marriage and in that respect size and looks don't matter. I know that some choose a simple band and that's fine for them. However, it's also something you'll wear every day of your life and, as a symbol of your relationship should be something you love and are proud of (assuming you're not looking for the Hope Diamond ~ lol). It's about what you're happy with (again, within reason) that matters.


In your situation you don't "think you agreed" you did agree, you remember conversations about it. Your husband's playing the "bad memory" game and that's not okay. You know what was agreed on and so does he. If you can afford it, he should make good on his agreement and you shouldn't feel guilty for still wanting what you've already agreed on.







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2005
Mon, 07-03-2006 - 9:42am
Thanks for the advice. I'm definitely not looking for the Hope Diamond! lol Just something a little bigger than what I have because I will wear it the rest of my life. Thanks again for replying. I'll just have to wait and see what happens I guess.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Mon, 07-03-2006 - 10:13am

I think most men don't understand a woman's desire for nice jewelry and maybe that's what you're running up against?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2005
Mon, 07-03-2006 - 11:41am
That's a good idea! I'll tell him that when other people see my ring, he can declare bragging rights about it! lol Thanks for the advice. Hopefully he'll come around.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2006
Mon, 07-03-2006 - 11:46am

I would think the sentimental value of this being THE ring that he gave you to signify his love and desire to share his life with you would override whatever other reason you would have for wanting a new ring. If your dying mother or grandmother had given you a their ring on their death bed would you trade that one for a bewtter one too? Why exactly do you want a new one??? Why not ask for some other special piece of jewelery to signify his continuing/growing love for you (diamond earrings, or bracelet) vs. replacing this one thing that signifies the beginning of your lifelong commitment together?

Assuming that you are resolved to get a new one, I think you should make it clear that it is something you want someday and then let it go.....give him the chance to make this happen, even if it is not in the timeframe you want.

If you persist on making this an issue you will no doubt send the message that "he" was not good enough for you when you married and your love and acceptance comes with material conditions.

If this is your biggest problem in life you are not doing too badly, P.

BTW I read something one time that said that a woman who is willing to replace her engagement ring has a much higher probablility of divorce, cause if she will trade-up on something this sentimental, then she will more easily trade-up for a more successful husband as well.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2005
Mon, 07-03-2006 - 12:49pm

I appreciate you replying to give your advice. I would like to say in my defense though that he did not pick out the ring by himself. We went together and picked it out(when he proposed he didn't have a ring). During the time that we were looking it was HIM not ME that brought up the idea that we could pick out something we could afford now and down the road we could get me something better if I wanted. Well, like I said we can afford something a little nicer now. I'm not implying that I'm going to throw my other ring away. I would never do that. I'm just upset now because we agreed on something and now all of a sudden he's upset when HE brought it up to start with!
Anyway, I knew I would get two different opinions on this topic and I'll take each opinion into consideration.

Oh, and BTW... I would never divorce my husband just because he wouldn't buy me a new ring. I'm not that materialistic!! I don't know where you read your information from, but I don't think that that applies in this case. I'll just chalk it up to not knowing all the info beforehand. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2006
Mon, 07-03-2006 - 1:54pm

butterfly80e,

Is there anyway that instead of "replacing" the whole thing, maybe adding a different diamond to the exhisting ring you have, or adding new diamond bands to the sides. That way you still retain your old ring, but have something that is a bit more what you want flash wise. If it were me, I would rather add to the one I got married with then to get something completely new and put the old one in a box somewhere.

Best of luck,
Defleppardgal

Defleppardgal

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2006
Mon, 07-03-2006 - 2:44pm

Sorry didn't mean to make you feel defensive. In re-reading my post though it is a bit harsh. I guess my point, not said very well, was I am much more worried with him feeling that he is not loved and accepted by you....he may be hearing....she thinks I am not a good husband cause I can't afford a nicer ring, or it was good enough for he when we got engaged, but now it (meaning I) is not good enough, than your feeling of its not fair cause he promised an upgrade someday and you want someday to be today. You have a ring, its just not as nice as you like (I have the same problem with my car...I drive a Honda, but I really would rather have a Mercedes like one of my friends....c'est la vie, the Honda is the right choice for me for a number of reasons). By the way did the upgrade promise have a specific timeframe associated with it or can you let it go for awhile and try and approach a little further down the road when he might be more receptive.

One other idea is.... can you put it in the context of also getting something that he is primarily excited about....like a new big screen TV? It may make the whole conversation a little more light hearted for him....I can see him telling his friends.....yeah it is a real beauty and the only way I wold get the wife to agree was to get her that bigger diamond I promised her when we were younger....it costs me, but she is sure worth it (which "she" he is referring to will depend on if he is talking to you or the guys ;>)

Good luck, I truly hope you both ger what you want. P.

Oh yeah and the article I read was a long time ago and I don't remember where, but it's point was not that a woman would divorce to get a bigger ring, but rather that this upgrade mentality often correlated to the husband.....i.e. if she meets someone that is intererested in her that is more successful financially she would be more susceptible to divorce. I have no idea if this is true but I remembered it cause I thought it was an interesting twist on the whole ring upgrade issue which comes up a lot.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2005
Mon, 07-03-2006 - 4:22pm
Apology accepted orangecuse44. And I'm sorry if I sounded harsh too. I guess I was a bit on the defensive side. Well, I think that the best thing for me to do now is leave it up to him. I've already brought it up, so he knows how I feel. I really don't want to nag him about it. At the end of the day, it's not my biggest problem you know? I love him very much and I don't want him upset or for him to think I think any less of him. Thank you all for your advice. I really do appreciate it! :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Mon, 07-03-2006 - 9:46pm
What if he wants to 'surprise you' with a new ring at a date of his choosing?


Carrie

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