Need some advice.
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Need some advice.
| Sun, 07-02-2006 - 11:32pm |
Ok, I need some advice. My husband and I have been married for almost a year now. We couldn't afford much in terms of an engagement ring for me when we got married. Well, I would like a new one now and he is upset because he thinks that I think the first one "isn't good enough". That is honestly not the case. I thought we had an agreement that we would get me something a little nicer when we could afford to do so (and I remember talking about it).Should I just give up on getting a new ring or should I persist on the topic? I really don't want to hurt his feelings and I don't want to sound selfish, but I don't think I should have to wear the same ring my whole life when we can afford to get something else. Any advice would be helpful.

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That was priceless, I literally laughed out loud. I think we could do one of those "her diary/his diary" ones on this subject. That is about as female of a perspective and rationalization as you can have on this subject. How can he possibly argue with that logic.....bettter start saving his pennies....would not want to love a woman a lot and have her walking around with a ring that shows you only love her a little. Wow talk about mars and venus! P.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Hopefully laughing "with" and not "at"
I feel really empowered with this "new" thinking and am contemplating how it applies for the men....hmmmm...."Since you love me more now than when we were first married, you should give me more oral sex to reflect that increased love" ....hmmm..... or how about....."since our relationship has grown and we spend a lot of time watching TV and movies together, out TV size should also grow to properly symbolize the growth in our relationship."
After 20 plus messages on the "ring upgrade" question we are entitled to have a little fun with the post topic right?
P.
pssssttt....
can I chime in here and say, guiltily I might add, that I *do* somehow equate the size of the ring to the size of the commitment...
Awww Kim....."et tu brutus" Hey if that is important to you, and you don't make your husband feel bad or resentful about it, then more power to you...I will not judge you. See a lot of big rings in Hollywood though and that sure doesn't correlate to a high level of love or commitment. All these years later I wish my wedding china had been from wal-mart....for what I ever got out of it....maybe one or two meals and something for the lawyers to discuss and bill me $200/hr for during the divorce process.
Truth is if a man is mature and self confident, and his wife wants a new ring then it is no big deal, he buys her a new ring...cause that is what she wants and that is what makes her happy, and he enjoys giving her that happiness, and he knows she loves him even if she does want a nicer ring. The whole focus on the ring though by either party as some sort of all defining symbol is really what is frightening and I think causes the potential problem. Initially I thought OP was too focused on this after less than a year of marriage, but seems like OP has a good perspective at this point, I hope she doesn't now read this and use it to hit him over the head with ;>)
C'est la vie, when I have gotten engaged....let's see three times now (although I had the good sense to call the 2nd one off before marrying)....I have always asked what they like....size, shape, style etc and then bought them what they wanted....figuring this was something she should really love since she will wear it everyday. Fortunately money was not an issue in terms of getting them what they wanted, so I don't have the same issue as OP's husband.
P.
I always figured that the size and quality of the ring had more to do with how much money could be spent at the time it was purchased.... Or the ignorance of the person buying it.
I worked in a jewelry store and I would cringe when the cheap-o sets were bought. But then again, it was because they were so cheap-o and I hated people spending ANY money on what I term "frozen spit." So when H bought my ring, I got good quality. But I compromised on size and cut. He told me what he could spend and I picked out the stone and band for it. With him of course. While I would have preferred a different cut or a larger stone, I went with a really well graded one instead. All about priorities. Had he only been able to afford the crappy ones, I would have told him to buy me a nice band and get me an "engagement" ring when he could afford it. Seriously.
Jen
>>>It wouldn't be right or fair for you to be "sensitive to his feelings" and give up an upgraded ring when it's something the two of you agreed on before hand. Unless, of course, you put a gun to his head to get the agreement in the first place, which I'm assuming you didn't.<<<
I don't understand, are you saying his feelings are unimportant?
*This is not directed at any one person*
Ok, these are the facts: He said we could get me a new ring as soon as we could afford to do so. Well, we're not exactly rolling in cash, but we're not in the poor house either. Our one year anniversary is approaching, so I thought now could be a good time to mention that I would like a new ring. I only mentioned it, and he got upset saying that the first one wasn't "good enough". I never said it wasn't a pretty ring. It is. But I'll be honest, if we would have had more money at the time, it's not the one I would have picked out. It's not like it's a family heirloom or something he picked out all by himself. If it was, I wouldn't have even started this topic to begin with. I'm not pushing him into doing anything. It's not like I'm going to keep nagging at him until I get my way. My world is not going to fall apart if I don't get ring now! lol
I felt the need to write in and try and set a few things straight. Some people seem to think I'm either going to nag or push him until I get my way. That's not correct. I've brought the subject up once, the first time I mentioned it. The other times, he's brought it up himself.
I'll admit, I'm feeling defensive and a little hurt right now. I realized I was going to get very different opinions on the matter, but I honestly didn't think people were going to try and analyze my relationship with my husband!
I'm not trying to sound harsh or make anyone else defensive. I just had to write in and say how I felt since I'm the one that started this topic.
Butterfly,
We're all a bunch of armchair psychologists who like to disect relationships. Don't take it personal, it's what we do! :)
FWIW, I think that the vast majority of us think you are handling all this just fine.
Jen
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