Need some advice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2005
Need some advice.
37
Sun, 07-02-2006 - 11:32pm
Ok, I need some advice. My husband and I have been married for almost a year now. We couldn't afford much in terms of an engagement ring for me when we got married. Well, I would like a new one now and he is upset because he thinks that I think the first one "isn't good enough". That is honestly not the case. I thought we had an agreement that we would get me something a little nicer when we could afford to do so (and I remember talking about it).Should I just give up on getting a new ring or should I persist on the topic? I really don't want to hurt his feelings and I don't want to sound selfish, but I don't think I should have to wear the same ring my whole life when we can afford to get something else. Any advice would be helpful.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-07-2006 - 4:04am

Absolutely I agree that people change their minds and that situations change. However, if he's changed his mind he should say so. Along the same vein, does declaring lack of memory mean that whatever has been agreed upon is null and void any time the claim is made?


My feeling (based on assumption -- bad, I know) is that his lack of memory is an excuse to avoid the subject and the agreement and if my feeling is correct, I think is unfair. Not trying to pigeonhole men into one category (with apologies to Orangecuse and in acknowledgement that many men do not do this) the memory loss excuse is an old stand by with many members of that gender. We really didn't ask any questions about his personality or traits, we were focused on her question, which was whether she should give up on the subject or persist. I have no idea if her husband is prone to convenient memory loss or using the guilt of "it's not good enough for you" to get out of an agreed upon purchase.


As far as time line goes, "He promised that one day she could get a bigger ring, he didn't promise she would get it 12 months after the wedding.", I do think that they should both be in agreement that their financial situation is such that purchasing a ring can be afforded before any purchase is considered.







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-07-2006 - 4:17am

I'm with Jen on thinking more along the lines of finances regarding ring size rather than how much someone cares. I agree with Kim that since it's something the wife will be wearing for her lifetime it deserves some investment and should be something she's happy/proud to wear.


You know, before we feel all guilty and snobby about this, I feel the same way about any kind of stone, not just diamonds. I love garnets (and citrine and iolite and....) but wouldn't consider a ring with a stone that's a sliver. It's not about status, it just doesn't look good to me. If I want a ring with a stone, I want a stone that's the size that pleases me -- there are plenty that have stones that are way too big IMO, so it's not like I'm all about the biggest I can get. It's not about status, it's about personal preference.







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-07-2006 - 4:22am

Aw Butterfly, that response was directed at me -- based on my statements, it wasn't a judgement on you at all. No one was suggesting how you were going to handle it, the questions and scenarios were generic, not specific to you.








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-07-2006 - 4:34am

You know, that's what my husband says, "Honey, I'm not laughing at you, I'm laughing with you." To which I respond, "But, Honey? I'm not laughing.?!?!?!" LOL ~ (just kidding)


As far as blow jobs and TVs go, I remember wedding/engagement rings as having symbolic meaning, but for the life of me, I can't recall ever having heard of the bride and groom exchanging big screens or uh...acts "as a symbol of my vow". I'm having a hard time envisioning Grandma tearing up as the bride and groom do a live sex act at the alter, for symbolic purposes only, of course. I can't envision the priest blessing the act, though I have known a few men who were truly blessed, if you get my drift.


If you can find a way to transfer this over to big screen TV's (or uh...other things)and have your s/o buy it, I say go for it!







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Fri, 07-07-2006 - 7:11am

Totally agree!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Fri, 07-07-2006 - 7:15am

>>>Absolutely I agree that people change their minds and that situations change. However, if he's changed his mind he should say so. Along the same vein, does declaring lack of memory mean that whatever has been agreed upon is null and void any time the claim is made?<<<


I don't think it should be he wins or she wins.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2006
Fri, 07-07-2006 - 8:33am

I am still waiting for my first invitation to the ENGAGEMENT ring upgrade ceremony at the church where the priest will bless it and grandma will undoubtedly tear up.

In fact I am still wating for the first wedding where the priest blesses the ENGAGEMENT ring. WEDDING rings are the symbolic part of the wedding where grandma is once again crying.

It is the tieing of an upgrade to the state of the relationship that caused me to pause.....the using of this type of logic on the poor reluctant and conveniently forgetful husband....

<<>>

This might sound good to the woman, but I guarantee that now the man is not only worried that she thinks he is not good enough and concerned that she would so easily upgrade the thing that he is proud of cause he worked so hard to save for at a time when he did not have much, but also....now she can whip out this logic anytime she wants and what is he going to say....sorry honey, our love hasn't grown so no upgrade this time!

;>) P.

 

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