Need Some Advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2005
Need Some Advice
5
Wed, 02-01-2006 - 7:10pm

My husband and I have been married nearly 2 years and I would say that we have a very good marriage. We get along really well and we are both pretty easy-going. We don't argue very often. We both were married before and we had really bad marriages.

The problem: My husband gets stressed out sometimes and he talks to me about it. I will listen to him complain about people at work. I see him get mad about certain things going on at work. I see him pace the floor and get in a bad mood. I know that it's not me and I understand. But when I get stressed out, he is not supportive. He doesn't try to understand me at all. He just says, "You worry too much". And that makes me really mad. I listen to his grief, but he doesn't listen to mine. I have grown tired of the one-sidedness.

He also told me the other night that "there are a lot of things I do that he overlooks". I have always told him that if there is something I do that bothers him, he needs to tell me so I can try to change it. I asked him what the things were that bother him and he said that I don't turn off lights around the house when I am finished in a room AND he doesn't like the stopper in the drain, because when he washes his hands in the sink, the sink starts filling up with water and he has to unplug it. So leave the stopper out of the drain. I couldn't believe he was complaining about such petty things. Believe me, I have PLENTY to complain about, but I don't because it's really no big deal. Like, when he eats, he gets crumbs all over the coffee table, the couch and the floor, just like a little kid. He doesn't cover up food in the microwave and it splatters all over the place. He is always in a bad mood when he wakes up. He tells me to turn down the radio, but when he listens to the radio, he turns it up really loud. (Double standard). He is a pack rat and saves everything and I hate that. He keeps stacking his unopened mail on the table and never opens it, and we can't even use the table. I could go on and on. The reason I don't complain about these things is because it doesn't do any good. He won't make changes for me. I make changes for him, but he won't make changes for me.

He is not supportive of me AND he has started criticizing little things that don't amount to a hill of beans. What's up with that? Do I need to start worrying that his feelings have changed completely? I have gotten to the point where I don't want to talk to him anymore about anything because he doesn't care. I also have gotten to the point where I don't want to listen to his problems because he doesn't deserve my attention. I am very hurt about this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 02-01-2006 - 8:49pm

Okay....

Well, I think you need a friend. Men do NOT like getting complained at. They don't handle it well if there isn't a problem that they can solve. If you are just venting, call a girlfriend or something. You want help fixing a problem, talk to your H.

You TOLD him that if there was something bothering him to tell you and now you are complaining when he does. If you don't want to hear it then don't tell him to tell you. And obviously neither of you are letting things go. If you were letting things go, truly, then you wouldn't be able to come up with a huge list of things that bother you.

About the mail, have you thought about getting a basket that he can keep his mail in? then if he stacks it on the table, move it to the basket. That way he has a home for it AND the table can get used.

And the stopper, he can just as easily take the stopper out as you can not leave it there.

But the issue really is that you two aren't communicating well at all. You avoid talking about certain things under the guise of "letting it go" but you are really just avoiding dealing with things. I would suggest that you sit down and decide what is "really not a big deal" to you and LET IT GO. Don't think about it, don't bring it up, etc. And what matters to you, talk to him about.

Good luck.

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-1999
Wed, 02-01-2006 - 11:35pm
If I'm understanding correctly, he wasn't going to go into the little things you do that bother him, but you asked what they were so he answered the question. Then, it sounds like you are getting mad at him for mentioning those things, but he is only mentioning them because you asked him to. If you didn't want to hear the answer to the question, then you shouldn't have asked the question. And if you asked the question, then it's really not fair to complain when he answers it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 02-02-2006 - 1:59am

Quick question first, have you read, " Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus " by Dr. John Gray ? I'm thinking if you haven't it will explain a lot, if you have but it's been a while, a reread might help.








~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Thu, 02-02-2006 - 5:16am

If I am understanding you correctly, you only worked up to your actual complaint in the last couple of sentences: "I change for him, but he won't change for me. I am supportive of him, but he's not supportive of me." Is that right?

In other words. you feel that you try to curb irritating behavior, and will curb it further if it's pointed out to you, but he ignores your requests to avoid doing things that irritate you. You feel disregarded. You feel that you give him attention and solace when he is unhappy, but he brushes off your concerns when you are upset. You feel that he considers your feelings unimportant.

I think you both may be carrying baggage from your previous marriages, trying to solve problems that no longer exist in ways that didn't work in the first place. It sounds like you two need an objective ear to help you sort the past from the present and establish good communication again. Maybe you could consider short-term counseling, or a marriage encounter workshop.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2005
Thu, 02-02-2006 - 12:47pm

Okay, here's the first thing:

Men are problem solvers...and women are soother-cluckers.

So when you're sitting there in what you consider "patient attention" listening to his complaints and gripes......you're giving him what you'd love to have from him. You want him to listen, to appear to care, to soothe and comfort you and say "all will work out".

But you're offering no practical advice regarding problem solving, and you might not even be asking what the specific problem is, or what result he's trying to achieve.

So what you perceive is you being patient, kind, long-suffering, and supportive - he sees not quite in the same way MAYBE. That said, plenty of men do not want women at all helping them solve problems, and so he might easily be venting/gripping and wanting no input of a practical nature at all from you.

But you're giving him - what you'd like to get out of him that's pretty typical of people in general. That is how people tuned to the art of "seduction" - know how to lure you in. They watch whatyou give, do, and allow - mirror it at you and you think "oh, we're soul mates".

When you however haev a "vent" session about your feelings about a situation that has no resolution/change possible - he tells you "you worry too much". Indicating that he is either into problem solving, or not wasting time on elements outside of his control - other people's actions, etc.......

So review some of those conversations in your mind....he is talking when he talks more about specifics and details - or he is talking about "how the specifics and details make him feel, perceive himself", etc.

Because quite likely most of your situations are discussed from the "there is nothing to be done about this but it makes me feel X"....and he's saying "you worry too much" - or you're spending time talking about things that can't be changed and have to be dealt within and with - not "reviewed" as if change is possible.

That's one major type of miscommunication among men and women.

and then the little details about specific actions or activities.....this is how things build up to the point of a postal explosion over the tooth paste tube.

And this really long to explain in print, quicker in verbal......and having lived it it "happens" in microsecond time.

When you two first met - the attention and adoration from one another had you each being "high on being me, as a result of your attention".

That period of time is 3-9 months of infatuation and it's like a formal english tea party. compliments, considerations, impressing and pleasing is the agnda of both people - to keep the adoration coming at you - because it makes you feel so good about yourself.

So infatuation is a wonderful time of feelings - so much so that objectivity regarding character is clouded as a result. So infatuation is a terrible time to make commitments, or intertwine your lives - because there's very little "real life" in play.

Dating is about spending a period of time specifically together where "nothing else much really matters" - and it's succinctly put by saying "dating is about staring into the eyes of the beloved to the exclusion of all else in that moment in time"....so dating is about both of you reserving blocks of time simply to devote to interaction with each other as is mutually desired" - and the resuming your life obligations, goals, requirements and interests wen the other isn't around.

A relationship is more like a job -if you think of dating as an interview - in that it requires you both to be who you are at all times, while working together well with one another - to go where you were both already going before you met. So it's less about staring into the eyes of he beloved - than staring outwards together towards the challenge of life with someone to talk to along he path you were already once on, alone. And have never really left.

the interaction dynamic between two people is what has someone wanting a relationship with you - a relationship is just a shroud to wrap around yourselves and it allows and requires to and of you what YOU think it should - tehre is no one universal definition of "relationship".

So feelings are a result of the following equation at all times:

self esteem + perception of life in general + need/want/expectation in light of sistuation at hand.

Happiness, success, security, and identity are NOT feelings - they're emotional status quos and have to be defined by each person outside of possessions, positions, status, wealth, relationship, or situation. So you're happy being the person you are or you're not, and you're successful and secure because you're the person you are or you're not, and that is your "identity".

All that is happening here is that the rose colored glasses are fading. You're finding out thre is negotiation and compromise (and that is more true the older we are and more used we are to doing our thing - our way) to live with someone else - than there was the first time around.

and you're doing the intelligent thing...you're saying the small insignificant things such as his not puting a cover on the dish in the microwave aren't worth making a spat over. And you'e enjoyed his conversation, companionship, sex, and intelligence - while cleaning up the microwave.

I think it's very possible however, since you don't give details and timelines......here is what has happened.

There's a common assumption that everything a person is doing when they're around you is designed"with you in mind" -that is a very common presumption when you're the type of person always trying to facilitate, please, and consider the needs, thoughts, or feelings of another person at all times, no matter what.

So in the beginning of the relationship what were you thinking (after some period of time where infatuation had faded and you two were making commitments and plans): Did you think everything he was doing and how he was being was 'because YOU were so important to him"....or did you think "it's because this is how he is with everybody"........

It makes a difference. Because your statement in the last paragraph indicates that you thought how he was being then - is different than now....and that how he was being then as you perceived it was becuase he "cared about you as a person, had your well-being and best interests in mind".

Now that time has passed, the high of infatuation has faded, real life has resumed, and a regular schedule of obligations and requires is reinsttituted for awhile - he's figured out that you being in his life isn't "changing" his life to the positive. Nor he is being in your life making you a "happier" person than you are as an individual.

That's how it's supposed to work. You don't get into relatonships for salvation from your lifestyle, or yourself...not that you did.

Because now you don't perceive he's being as considerate and caring and intrested - you're now not being as "interested and involved" with him to the same percentage either.

He's responding to that - with less consideration in terms of listening........but not to "pay you back".....whichi s the common assumption.

In an equality based, mutual beneficial, respect of character and shared values and goals and definitions of great life and how to achieve it type of relationship each individual prioritizes their individuality over all else, and they choose a partner that compliments that individual and is not compromised either.

In a relationship based on "feelings".....you tend to believe that becuase of htem around you're more "content or happy" than you were, so you want them around all the time. There isn't much of an assessment how much negotiation and compromise is going to be required to fit someone else's "agenda" into your schedule, your life, your priorities. and so after awhile, there is friction.

So here's a suggestion.......don't put on an act, but stand back and assess objectively.

There's the old joke about the groom telling his best man in the hallway "she's a great girl and man she loves giving BJ's and she's good at it" - while simultaneously in her dressing room with her maid of honor she's saying "well, now that I'm getting the ring, I've given my last BJ, I hate doing that".

So when they meet at the altar, one is saying "I do" to what has been...and one is saying "I do" to what will be.

But he's not aware that she has decided there is a major shift because of MY actions coming in this relationship.

If you were, again not an act, paying attention to what he says when hs talks - rather than hearing 'feelings" - perhaps you listened more for facts nad goals - would you two be able to have discussions? Would there be more "shared" involvement and thus more union and harmony as a perception on both your parts?

If you did that.....and it worked in making you feel more connected to him and vice versa, is it possible he'd "listen" more t you - as he did in the past? Or....did he in the past? Or did he not, and you didn't ealize it so delighted to be in a relationship that you were doing everything of the giving, conceding, offering and conveniencing from the get go - and getting very little back except "being allowed to serve"?

But as a rule, although it's thought to be the reverse, most people don't "put on an act". How they are is available for you to see - even in the throes of infatuation. How they treat someone NOT benefitting and easing thier lfie - that's how they'll eventually treat you.

People do what they do because they want to do it. Thier values, standards, and principles justify and entitle their actions, feelings, thoughts, decisions, words, ideas, and desires. Those same values in all situations determine character, conscience, integrity and honor.

So situations are actually sought so that the values people hold can be displayed in the character they reveal - with the actions, decisions and words they take.

Sitautions don't "cause" people to do things - they allow it.

You say he waks up in a bad mood every morning. I'm not sure if you mean he wakes up immediately gripping and complaining aout having to wake up and go to work, or having his life as it is....or if you mean he's "silent" and you equat that with moody - and you think that's a "bad mood".

But if truly he waks up in the morning talking about how terrible it is in life to be him..........think about that for a second. This guy is saying 'I hate my life" - from the second he opens his eyes and his brain is in cognizant reality he's saying "I hate my life' - and he's vocalizing the fact. His actions hten reflect it all day, every day -and people respond to that everywhere he goes.

If he's one of these people that i "brilliant" or creative or whatever and everybodys at a loss as to why he's nothigher up the professional food chain...that's why. He hates his life...he thinks should be easier for him. And he goes around treating people dismissively or abrasively when "his way" is not being attended to by others, so that his path is clear and only has rose petals for his feet.

Ther's only so far up the social, personal and professional ladder you can get dismissing and utilizing people's offers as if they're service providers and are there for your best interests and needs.

So stand back and objectively assess the situation - before taking any rash action. Realize nothing youo've indicated here would say one way or the other that things have the guarantee of going up or downhill. It could go either way.

So don't throw the baby out with the bathwater...and when you'e doing your assessment, and determining your actions....don't think with feelings. We tend to create our own realities by wanting to avoid something - staring at it - and as a result heading straight for it while terrified and doing nothing proactively, intelligently and responsibly.

Don't settle, don't compromise your integrity or self-esteem......but don't think with or act on "feelings" either. and don't assume he is......you can't have a feeilng without a thought....access the thoughts!

Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com