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| Mon, 06-05-2006 - 2:42pm |
Many of you posted in my thread "I want that loving feeling again" and after many replies (thank you for those that posted) I have decided I'm going to make an effort.
My hubby and I had a talk last night and we both know we are distant (we've only been married a few months) He told me that he's tired of always giving (For those that don't know, please read my other thread)
As you may have read in my other thread, I am not the most affectionate person and my hubby knows that I don't initiate it, therefore, I really don't know how to start showing affection.
Can you give me suggestions on
(1) How can I show affection
(2) How can I show my appreciation
Thank in advance.

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For those who aren't familiar, Casey's previous post can be found here:
I want that loving feeling again
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
casey0201,
Here's some things that I do around the house.
*Make lunch and dinner for your husband everyday. Lenght of time your choice, I started along time ago, I think it was the beginning of February, but you could do it just for a week and then take a few days off and start again. It is hard at first because I work full time and take care of alot around the house, but you get used to it and it becomes apart of your daily routine.
*Leave love notes in his lunches for him to find later in the day. Or if you leave the house before him, someplace he'll find them after you have left.
*When he get's home at night and walks through the door, no matter what you are doing or how busy you are make yourself walk over and atleast give him a hug.
*Pack a pic-nic and go to a park. Make yourself hold his hand while you take a walk after lunch.
*Make yourself hold his hand during a movie.
*If you go out to eat, pick two dishes that you and him could like to have. Say you guys decide that each of you would like to have X or Y, have him get X and you get Y. Give eahother bites. Course it only works if you guys choose the same thing. My DH will eat anything, I am picky so only sometimes does this even work.
*Just grab his arm sometimes.
If I were you, considering your reluctance to show affection and initate it I would start very slow. Don't go for the big guns of starting for kisses or sex or something fun like a shower or quicky. :) Start slow and rather then starting by doing things "to" him, start with doing things "for" him and have him do the same. Once you have established the security of eachother being there for one another and show love by doing things for one another you can work on the big stuff.
You have to remember though that no matter how many suggestions we give you if you don't put forth the effort in "making" yourself do things none of them are going to work.
Best of luck,
Defleppardgal
Defleppardgal
Thank You for the suggestions.
By the way, I'm not good with the abbreviation....but what does "DH" stand for?
Here's a handy link that shows commonly used board abbreviations:
common abbreviations
I hope it helps!
(By the way - dh = dear husband)!
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
Edited 6/5/2006 3:52 pm ET by cl-2nd_life
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Hi Casey,
Well, one way I show affection for my fiance is by sending him a text message every day telling him that I love him. I will also put a little note in his lunch from time to time, or a romantic card in his car so that he gets it when he leaves for work. As he leaves for work every day, I give him a big hug. I told him he's not allowed to leave in the morning without that hug. :-) They are just little things but I think they let him know I'm thinking of him.
I agree with examples in earlier posts. One other thought...
You might try reading the book "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Laura Schlesinger. She talks a lot about some of the basic wiring men have and the things that women can do to play to men's natural tendencies that makes them feel loved and appreciated. The beauty is that done right these things can get that love and appreciation returned to you. Not huge things... day-top-day stuff, that you can try and see if your husband responds.
Good luck, glad to see your resolve in making an effort --- this is 90% of it. P.
Showing affection:
initiating sex
touching his back when I squeeze past (we've got a small house)
massage his shoulders when he's on the PC
Ruffle his hair and kiss his head when he's on the PC
giving a long hug before he leaves for work.
Ditto when he gets home
lift up the centre arm of the chair in the cinema and snuggle into him
openly perv on him when he's naked in the shower
watching 'Lost' and 'Desperate Housewives' with him even though they're not my favourite shows.
Snuggling into him in bed before sleep and after we wake up.
Showing appreciation:
I mainly do this verbally. I acknowledge the stuff that he does for me and the family. This morning I was talking about having to go and buy some red paint for my scrapbooking. He suggested that I use the wall paint from my son's new room. The colour is perfect and I simply told him what a great idea is was and how much time it would save me. I think we all like a bit of praise when we do something good.
Washing and polishing his car (you mentioned in your other thread) are excellent ideas, but there are also ways that involve far less time and effort. How about making him a coffee or tea when he's relaxing. Buy him a six pack of his favourite beer. Make his lunch. Cook his favourite meal. Suggest eating out at his favourite restaurant.
I make a point of telling him how happy I am in the relationship and that I'm very content. (Of course, you can't make it up if you're currently feeling 'tension', but work towards it)
And last but not least, I try to tell DH that I love him every day. Sometimes I forget, but I do it often enough that he has no doubt.
iv_aisha2004 - thanks for all the suggestions. It is very much appreciated. Since I'm all new to showing/initiating affection, probably the best thing for me to do is take baby steps. Its hard for me to give a hug to my hubby -- now don't get me wrong, its not that I don't want to hug my hubby because I do, its just going up and hugging him is still very hard for me (I know its sad, but at least I'm trying to make an effort). Therefore, I think I'll start slow and just try and wrap my arms around him while he's on the pc (I've done this before) and start giving him hugs more often.
I must admit as we were about to leave before I dropped him off the airport, he was by the door and had his carry on bag over one shoulder, I went over and just gave him a hug, but it took what seemed like forever (eventhough it was just a few seconds) for him to put his other arm around me. I gotta admit, that hurt.
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I used to make him coffee in the morning before he left for work, however, he didn't seem to appreciate it because I never got a "thank you", therefore, I don't make coffee anymore.
But I will see what his reactions are about me washing/waxing his car. Hopefully, he will thank me.
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This is good advice. If/when we ever get to this point, I'll tell him that. Thanks.
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He does tell me he loves me very often and I just say it back. However, I hardly ever tell him first...but lately I have (at least its a start)
Just another thought about initiating sex. You don't need to initiate it by being affectionate.
When I initiate it, I'm just as likely to say "hey, d'you feel like a root?" (Root being Australian slang for sex). I know those romantic souls will shudder at my approach - but hey, it works for us. Of course, I wouldn't suggest that you initiate sex until you feel he's going to be receptive.
>>I must admit as we were about to leave before I dropped him off the airport, he was by the door and had his carry on bag over one shoulder, I went over and just gave him a hug, but it took what seemed like forever (eventhough it was just a few seconds) for him to put his other arm around me. I gotta admit, that hurt<<
I'm thinking you're finding hurt where none was intended. And I'm suspecting that you're over-analysing his responses. If anyone has a carry bag on their shoulder, it would naturally take a few extra seconds to get mentally organised enough to return the hug. He would also have been surprised at your hug - another reason to be slightly delayed in response. Be hurt if the hug's not returned at all - but there's absolutely no reason to be hurt if it's a couple of seconds delayed.
I just got done talking with the hubby. I asked him if he misses me and he says he does, however, it really doesn't sound sincere. I know he's tired and he's been real busy, but it just doesn't sound like he really does miss me. I really miss him. However, I don't hink he misses me as much as I miss him.
Because we've been having soooooo many problems, I asked him if he still loves me and he says yes...but I don't believe him. I think he's just saying that because I put him on the spot.
I'm really thinking about not picking up the phone tomorrow when he calls. Maybe he might miss me if I don't.
What do you guys think...am I really overly analyzing things? Because we are having soooo many problems, I analyze things probably more than I should.
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