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| Mon, 06-05-2006 - 2:42pm |
Many of you posted in my thread "I want that loving feeling again" and after many replies (thank you for those that posted) I have decided I'm going to make an effort.
My hubby and I had a talk last night and we both know we are distant (we've only been married a few months) He told me that he's tired of always giving (For those that don't know, please read my other thread)
As you may have read in my other thread, I am not the most affectionate person and my hubby knows that I don't initiate it, therefore, I really don't know how to start showing affection.
Can you give me suggestions on
(1) How can I show affection
(2) How can I show my appreciation
Thank in advance.

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Casey, could you please elaborate on all the problems you've been having (other than affection)? It's so hard to comment when we've only heard half the story.
Please make the post as long as you like.
Casey, I just had some thoughts which I believe it's important for you to know - especially if you're going to start initiating affection:
Nobody is 100% in the mood to receive affection 100% of the time. It's not a reason to be hurt or upset - it's just the way it is.
I mentioned initiating sex. When I initiate sex, I probably get a "yes" reply only 50% of the time. It's not about me or how much he loves me - it's simply about whether or not he's in the mood. Likewise, our summers are very humid. And on about half our summer nights, it's simply too hot to cuddle in bed. One of us will say "hey, feel like a cuddle?" and the other will say "nah, it's too hot". Some nights - even cold ones - one of us is simply too tired to cuddle. And at the mention of snuggling up, we just say "I'm sorry - I'm so tired and want to go straight to sleep".
It's just that based on your previous posts I get the feeling that if he ever says "no" to physical affection that you initiate, you will be hurt. But don't be - because it's totally normal.
Hi Casey-
I tihnk there are two things you might want to consider when showing affection:
1) Can he tell you what types of things he would interpret as showing affection or appreciation? He might just want you to remember to buy his favorite food, or acknowledge that he is trying to listen to you, or intitate sex. It's hard to know what is meaningful to him without asking him.
2)What do feel most comoftable doing and what do you feel least comfortable doing? Is it easier for you to give a hug, leave a note, say something very sincere?
Then see how they intersect. For example, if he say that he needs to hear words of appreciaton from you, and you have trouble speaking openly about your feelings, then you could leave him little notes or emails to start off and work up to telling him how you feel.
Harville Hendricks has some great books on relationships and sustaining them. One of the sweetest things he recommends is each night before you go to sleep, telling your partner 3 things you really appreaciated about them that day. It's a great exercise and helps to keep you focused on the good things about your partner.
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My apology for the delay. Usually I get an email stating that someone has posted in my thread, however, I never received it, therefore my delay.
iv_aisha2004 - One of the problems that I had was posted in my first thread called "I want that loving feeling again". Its about where I was being wishy-washy about things.
One of the other fights we had was when I told him that I got free golf lessons while I was at the driving range. I was really excited and told my hubby about it. He said "when we go golfing tomorrow you will have to PROVE to me what you learned. I didn't like the way that he chose the word "PROVE". It would have been better to hear the word "show". I remembered we were watching something (I forgot what show) and my hubby said "I don't believe that guy can do that. He would have to PROVE it to me for me to believe it. I guess I remembered when he said that about that guy and then he tells me to PROVE it (Like as if he was telling me he didn't believe me). Well, that's the way I took it. Therefore, it caused us to have a fight and again, he left for a few hours. When he got back, I was furious because he left and we started a yelling/screaming fight. He was about to leave again but decided against it.
So, my routine has been to follow him from room to room to figure out what the hell just went wrong and why the hell he left for a few hours. But all he could say is "its over with and just leave it at that. Can you at least respect me for that? But I guess I couldn't. So, I kept coming back to the room because I wanted to know what I did and he said "He didn't want to do because he would feel like he is changing me". So, I said, "ok, then I guess we will just keep having these same types of fight. He then replied "I do not want to change you".
Well, I still wasn't satisfied and then he yelled at the top of his lungs (his face was red) and said "Stop harassing me". I was stunned. I associate the word "harass" like in a work place. And then he said "we are not co-workers". He proceeds to tell me that "harass" means to badger or annoy. So, needless to say I stop "harassing" him.
So, there's another one of our fights that I've explained. Hopefully, this will help with what I have elaborated on.
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He doesn't like telling me what types of affection or what things to show appreciation. He wants those to come "naturally". He says if he tells me what he wants, then he thinks he's changing me and that is one thing he will not do is change me.
My hubby has been out of town and we had a talk a couple of days ago. He says I don't want to be close because I don't initiate any affection. He said he doesn't even know if I am attracted to him. I asked him "how do you know I don't want to be close" and he says "Because you never initiate anything". He also told me he is hurt and feels rejected.
Maybe I'm wrong, but just because I don't initiate affection doesn't mean I don't want to be close because I DO!! What do you guys think?
Oh Casey, the word "prove" is not worth getting upset over. You made a mountain out of a molehill. Sure, he could have used a nicer word such as "show", but getting angry at him over it was unreasonable.
I think I told you in an earlier post that I'm often too blunt and am working on improving it. Part of my bluntness can involve using a word that is slightly wrong for the situation - just like your husband did. My husband if in the same situation would have said to me "well, I don't know about proving it to you, but I'll certainly show you". It tells me that I've said the wrong thing without having an arguement.
I can also see why he didn't explain the reason he walked out. If he had told you that he believed you over-reacted, I bet you would have defended your actions. And the fight would have continued.
And yes, your husband is right about you following him from room to room as being harrasment. At the very least, it would be extremely annoying and not likely to solve any problems.
Regarding all his words about him not wanting to change you....it's interesting that he's echoing the same wording as you. That is; You not feeling accepted for who you are. I'm wondering how often you've said this to him. Perhaps he's at a point where he feels that if he mentions something he's not happy with, you throw back that he's trying to change you. He may feel that it's not worth trying to resolve anything because you'll say he's wanting to change you.
I'm sorry to have to side with your husband on all of this, but there are far better ways to deal with these issues than anger.
Where are you at with marriage conselling?
>>I asked him "how do you know I don't want to be close" and he says "Because you never initiate anything"<<
I would make the same assumption as your husband. If a man did not ever initiate affection with me, I'd assume that he wasn't into affection and stop bothering with it. Even if he stressed that he did want affection, I would not believe him. I'd figure that if he wanted it enough, he'd seek it equally.
>>He doesn't like telling me what types of affection or what things to show appreciation. He wants those to come "naturally"<<
At this point in time, I'd imagine that ANY type of affection you could show would be good!
Last night I hugged my husband when he was at the PC. He was reading something interesting and took about 10 seconds to respond. This delay made me think of you. You do realise that not all affection needs to be returned immediately? His delay was not a rejection of me.
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That's fine. Maybe I can learn from this.
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Huh? When did I say this?
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Ok, here's the big question. Why would he marry me knowing that I don't initiate affection.
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I thought that was funny. I'm just someone on a message board.
All kidding aside, I guess he's at a point when he doesn't want to give anymore. And I guess I'm at a point where I don't know if I want to try. I did at first, but now I'm not really sure. You see, he's been out of town for about a week. I mentioned to him on the 2nd day that if he's too busy to call, he can always send me a text message to say "he misses me". Well, needless to say, he NEVER sent me a text message. That hurt. Maybe he really didn't miss me nor maybe he doesn't really love me anymore.
The other day, I did ask him if he still loves me and he said yes. I also asked him if he misses me he said yes but he's been real busy. Sorry, I just don't buy it. No matter how busy you are, I would think you still would miss your spouse.
Seems like I've missed him more than he misses me and that makes me sad. Which maybe its telling me something....that not matter how much appreciation or affection I show, it still won't help our marriage.
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>Huh? When did I say this?<
You haven't said it. But I figured that with all the problems going on that the two of you would have discussed attending marriage counselling. When I ask where you're at, I'm wondering if the two of you are planning on going...or are already going...or not intending to do it at all.
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>Ok, here's the big question. Why would he marry me knowing that I don't initiate affection<
For the same reason you married him despite him needing you to initate affection. In short, the answer is neither of you knew this about the other. You had a whirlwind courtship and quick marriage, yes? The flipside to this is that you don't really know your partner when you marry. One is so caught up with infatuation that they don't see the warning signs that start appearing after a year or so together. He probably didn't even notice that you were not initiating affection until you were married.
>All kidding aside, I guess he's at a point when he doesn't want to give anymore. And I guess I'm at a point where I don't know if I want to try. I did at first, but now I'm not really sure<
I agree. I think he's all gived out. Good reasons for marriage conselling. To try and figure out where you're both at.
>The other day, I did ask him if he still loves me and he said yes. I also asked him if he misses me he said yes but he's been real busy. Sorry, I just don't buy it. No matter how busy you are, I would think you still would miss your spouse. Seems like I've missed him more than he misses me and that makes me sad. Which maybe its telling me something....that not matter how much appreciation or affection I show, it still won't help our marriage.<
Perhaps he's not missing the arguements? From what you write of the tension and that he feels unloved by you, perhaps he IS enjoying being away.
But this doesn't mean things can't be fixed. If he starts to feel loved and appreciated and then in turn starts to give affection again..... And if the two of you were able to resolve differences without arguing - perhaps he would miss being at home with you.
To be honest, trying to analyse and fix things while he's absent is very difficult. When he returns, I suggest that you cook a nice meal and buy a bottle of wine. Over dinner, say something to the effect of "I realise that I've been unaffectionate and as a result you feel neglected. I really want to do my bit in making this marriage work. Are you 100% in there with me? How can we work together to make this great again?"
I agree with just about everything that has been posted by iv_aisha2004 including siding with your DH on most of this.
Him walking out while arguing about his use of the word prove seems to be just his way of calming down so he DOESN'T say something he will regret. Following him around the house just makes that worse. In the future, you should ask him (in a non-confrontational manner) what he means by a certain word or phrase. Maybe it means what you think or maybe it was a poor choice of words on his part. If the latter is the case, then it's simply a miscommunication and not worth a knock-down, drag-out fight.
"Ok, here's the big question. Why would he marry me knowing that I don't initiate affection."
Maybe he didn't even know how much he needed it. I posted this before to you - it IS draining and exhausting to be the one that initiates ALL OF THE TIME. On top of that, it makes you feel very undesirable. Even if that's how you've always been - marriage is a give and take and IMHO this is something that you need to work on changing about yourself if you want this marriage to survive.
"All kidding aside, I guess he's at a point when he doesn't want to give anymore. And I guess I'm at a point where I don't know if I want to try. I did at first, but now I'm not really sure. You see, he's been out of town for about a week. I mentioned to him on the 2nd day that if he's too busy to call, he can always send me a text message to say "he misses me". Well, needless to say, he NEVER sent me a text message. That hurt. Maybe he really didn't miss me nor maybe he doesn't really love me anymore."
Did you text him that you miss him? But it sounds as if you are now starting to feel EXACTLY how he has been feeling for some time. You don't "know if he really misses you" because he didn't initiate a message to you. Sound familiar? Something I wrote in my last post to you - not initiating is a form of rejection even if you don't want to admit it. And SAYING you want/desire/need him is not the same as giving him a hug or holding his hand or initiating romance. It appears as if you are now getting a small taste of that. The question is what are you going to do about it now that you have a better understanding of how he feels?
"The other day, I did ask him if he still loves me and he said yes. I also asked him if he misses me he said yes but he's been real busy. Sorry, I just don't buy it. No matter how busy you are, I would think you still would miss your spouse."
EXACTLY!!! And no matter how much it's not something you are not comfortable with, I would think that you would still initiate things with your spouse. Saying you don't do it because "it's not who you are" is something that I don't buy.
It seems to me as if your marriage is not in as bad of shape as you may think. But it IS going to take work and effort and doing things that may be out of your comfort zone. You said you are not in marriage counselling - maybe it's time for both of you to look at that option. I also recommended the book "The 5 Love Languages" previously. I hope you get a chance to check it out. It appears as if you are having difficulting speaking each other's language.
Jeff
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